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Bereavement

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Original poster

My mum died suddenly

199 replies

Ruthie71 · 13/10/2008 14:00

I lost my mum recently. I wondered if there was anybody else going through something similar. It's been 8 weeks. I still can't believe she's gone and I miss her terribly.

OP posts:
Sexonlegs · 11/01/2011 20:43

It is so hard isn't it trying to explain to the dc.

My dd1 is 7, so she totally understands and has been truly amazing with me.
DD2 is 3. She just keeps saying a man has taken Gran and they have gone to the angels.

It was Mum's funeral today. Since she died, I think I have been in denial. Today was very real, and I have gone to pieces.

claireb64 · 11/01/2011 22:20

oh that day is so difficult to bear. unreal i thought. i felt guilty as i looked at the coffin and it meant nothing to me in a wierd way - all about denial i suppose. it was after that day ( i HATE the word funeral) that everyone else seemed to 'get back to normal', except me. my thoughts are with you as its such a tough time.
re the little ones - mine are 6 and 4. they both know nanny has died and gone to be with grandad and the angels. they talk about her (they didnt know grandad) when they want to, we go to her house and we have lots of photos up. we talk about her a lot. xx

Sexonlegs · 12/01/2011 11:47

Claire, Ikwym re that F word. I cannot stand it. Your dc sound lovely :)

I feel awful today. DD1 is off school with a temperature, and her and dd2 are bickering. Dh sadly has had to fly off as his Uncle died on Sunday and is attending the F word tomorrow. He won't be back until late Friday. Feel so wiped out and unable to deal with much.

How is everyone else doing?

LadyMacca · 12/01/2011 16:39

My Mums 'f word' was in October but it feels like a month ago. Me and my sister arranged most of it as my dad was in pieces. Its such an emotional day as I could not get my head around the fact my mum was in the coffin even though I went and saw her in the chapel many times it all seemed unreal, even now we have her ashes at my dads house deciding what to do with them in the spring as we want it to be special and somewhere we can visit. Her ' F' word was an amaxing day wiht over 150 people there, My mum would have been so proud and have loved what we did for her but the fact is she has gone and if she was still here then that day would clearly have never happenned.
Do you find that people say there soul and spirit is still here there body is just a vessel! What hurts is its the vessel we look at and speak to each day and we remeber for laughing and talking, so not seeing that ' vessell' everyday hurts so so much xxxx

Ness70 · 14/01/2011 10:42

Thanks for the comments re: little ones. I feel like I've done it wrong because I didn't say anything straight away as he was only 21 months. He must be missing this great influence who was in his life so much.
Sorry to everybody going through the f day recently or feeling low. My mums was in Sept and like LadyMacca it feels like yesterday. I've been thinking about counselling. Has anybody else been? X

Sexonlegs · 14/01/2011 12:32

Afternoon all.

No counselling here.

Really struggling atm. This week has just been the worst. DD1 off sick Mon-Wed, Mum's F on Tuesday, dh away since Wednesday a.m. to attend his uncles F abroad, and dd2 poorly since yesterday. Both dd's home today, as there is an inset day.

And to top it all off, one of my cats weed all over my bed which soaked in to the duvet and through to the electric blanket, last night GRRRRRR

I feel wiped out :(
Sorry for rant. Hope all is well.

monkeyflippers · 14/01/2011 13:01

This thread made me cry as there are so many people who have gone through the same as me.

I lost my mum when I was 8 months pregnant with my first. She never got to meet her grandchildren which is so unfair. She would have loved them and they would have loved her. I explain to my oldest who is nearly 5 now all about my mum but it's not the same as them knowing her. It's changed me for life I think.

I feel grateful though that they baby inside me survived, as the grief and stress affected her to the point where she stopped developing and needed to be born.

I still want her back very day and feel so sad and guilty that she suffered.

claireb64 · 14/01/2011 18:19

god its so raw isnt it. i feel for everyone so much. i am very lucky that mum and my kids had each other for 6 and 4 years. and all that that meant to me. unreasonably i now feel cross with people when they talk about what'the grandparents' have been doing with their kids - i feel jealous and thats not nice i know. my kids havent got any grandparents now and i just think its such a shame. but then theyve had the best.
ive felt ok for the last few days which is odd - then i wonder why i feel ok??!!! not cried for a few days (well apart from one brief outburst this morning when someone at school said they were sorry theyd only just heard....
love to allxx

Sexonlegs · 14/01/2011 19:50

Claire, ikwym. My mil came over last Saturday and was clucking over the girls and saying "ah, my lovely grand-daughters". I just wanted to punch her.

Ness70 · 15/01/2011 23:47

I know it's not funny but it did make me laugh. I just wanted to punch her... I know exactly what you mean. Some people feel like they're being so insensitive with the things they say. When somebody says stuff about their mum I just think how can you talk to me about your mum when my mum isn't here and my world has fallen apart. They don't mean to be insensitive or I'm just far too sensitive about stuff like that at the moment. Thinking of you all. X

Sexonlegs · 16/01/2011 09:03

I did though! She is a counsellor and you would have thought she would have been more sensitive. She also said something along the lines of " oh you know us grandma's".

Silly cow. Relations with mil have always been someone strained....

How is everyone else?

Ness70 · 16/01/2011 09:36

That is insensitive! A counseller too... How are your little ones now? So much illness about...

Sexonlegs · 16/01/2011 12:50

Hi Ness, dd2 is still poorly; day 4 of high temp, and dh is ill too. Dd1 is on the mend. I am just waiting for it to knock me sideways!

How is everyone doing?

I had another moment today in Waitrose of all places!

I know it sounds naff, but after mum's funeral, as it was just Dad, me and my db, we went to waitrose for a coffee ( not the same branch to where I was today), but made me sad all the same.

claireb64 · 16/01/2011 21:06

yeah i cant go to some places that me and my mum used to go when she visited me. i just stay away now.
missing her like mad. x

LadyMacca · 17/01/2011 13:30

Ah I feel for your problems with your mil. I have the same with mine, she has no heart and no soul. My mum was the most loving, kind hearted happy person ever and my mil well she is miserable, cannot do anything for anyone and when she invited herself to mums funeral she moaned that she did not have the right directions....LIKE I REALLY CARE is what I felt like saying!!!!!! She has never asked how I am feeling or coping with my loss, heartless is the only word to describe her!!!.

I had a terrible moment yesterday, I downloaded the 2 songs we had at my mums funeral onto my phone yesterday, I tired to listen to one of them and lasted 3 seconds before I burst into tears, such beautiful songs like I have never heard before but hurt so much to listen to. Mum passed away 4 weeks today so not a good day :-( xxx

Sexonlegs · 17/01/2011 15:59

LadyMacca :( My heart goes out to you.

The music we had coming in to Mum's funeral was Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven. I play this on the piano, and used to play it for Mum (hence why we chose it). Just looking at the sheet music makes me well up.

Your mil sounds horrendous. My mil is kind and well meaning, but she has no common sense, and doesn't think before she opens her mouth.

How is everyone doing?

LadyMacca · 17/01/2011 16:40

Ah I have not heard that music but will have to find it now on line. We had ' To where you are' and 'You raise me up' by Josh Groban as Mum loved him....beautiful songs and meaningfull words xxxx

claireb64 · 17/01/2011 16:46

what lovely songs. so much thought goes into it. we had 'moonlight serenade' as mum used to love wartime glenn miller music.
MILs eh?? ive got one i dont even call a MIL. shes vile. not worthy of the title grandma. kids barely know her.
love to all x

Sexonlegs · 17/01/2011 17:03

Oh I love Josh Groban too; what beautiful choices. We just had 3 classical pieces of music.

Megatron · 23/01/2011 16:31

Hi everyone I'm so sorry for all of us who have lost loved ones. My Mum died last April and my Dad 5 months later in September. I don't feel I'm coping very well I just miss them so much. I just want to talk to them. Sad

Ness70 · 24/01/2011 20:07

Hi Megatron I'm sorry for your losses. So close together..... Were they ill? My mum died in Sept and I still find it hard to believe. It was so sudden. There we were making plans for tomorrow, next week, next month and then she's gone. Not sure I'll ever get my head around it. I know it's going on everywhere and I'm sorry for everybody else too.

Bizzylizzylou · 01/02/2011 23:27

Hi there

My lovely mum died on New Years Eve too, unexpectedly, she'd had the flu for a few days. I live 150 miles away from her so couldn't tell how poorly she was over the phone - she kept saying she didn't want us to call a doctor (my brother & sister lived close to her) so we waited, the worst mistake of our lives, she died alone at home and we were too late. It's over 4 weeks ago & I'm scared at how raw & powerful my grief & sadness are, it's not going away. I have so much guilt about not helping her, I never got to see her before she went, her Xmas presents for me were still under her tree, wrapped up when my poor sister found her. my heart is breaking & I feel I have nothing to live for. I just stare at her photo's a sob my heart out, how can I help myself? sorry to rant but I dont think anyone around me can feel my pain.

Sexonlegs · 02/02/2011 17:21

Bizzylizzy, I am so sorry for your loss. How truly terrible.

I know it is easy to say this, but please please try not to feel guilty. Your Mum could have passed at any time. I was in the house when Mum died (also on NYE) but I wasn't with her iyswim. I too felt dreadful that I hadn't been with her when she went, but it is impossible to know.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

Bizzylizzylou · 02/02/2011 17:56

Thankyou so much for your kind message - I feel like you've thrown me a lifeline, I just didn't know who to turn to. It's terrible to lose anyone but NYE is such a big date in the calender it will be etched on our memories for ever.
I can't believe you're going through exactly the same as me, our timings etc, life can be so cruel. I know I should ease up on myself with the guilt because it doensn't help, I'm hoping it's just part of the process. Had to take today off work as I cried so much last night my eyes were swollen & I hadn't slept but Ive picked up again this afternoon, thanks for the contact & support.
I will think of you as I go through my journey & know I'm not alone, as much as I wish you weren't going through it too.
take good care

Sexonlegs · 02/02/2011 20:22

Ikwym re a lifeline.

Mumsnet has been amazing. It is so lovely to be able to "talk" to others who are in a similar situation and know where I am coming from. I can also sit and cry when I am typing about silly things!!

I hope you keep on posting.

Hope everyone else is doing ok. x