My Sister took her life last night

[Clevererthanyou]

Afternoon anyone who reads this,

An anonymous Internet forum seems like an odd place to bare my soul but I can’t do it in real life because I have to keep my Game Face on for my husband and son.
Last night, my beautiful 35 year old sister took an overdose and ended her life. She was the life and soul of ... well, life. She had three children who lived with their dad. She had a dog that she adored and called her baby. Our mum died last year of an accidental overdose and our dad died the year before that. The last time we spoke she told me she didn’t want to be here and I screamed at her that she had to stay because of me, my husband and son, her kids and her dog. I didn’t say “I’m here and I’m listening” like I should have. We had a private joke that she was my baby sister even though she was older because I would tell her off for doing dangerous things. We didn’t always get on but we always got over it. I don’t know if she left a note as I’m waiting for the police to come and see me to tell me what happened.
I’ve had what me and my sister called “bad nerves” for longer than I can remember and she did too, I should have seen the signs and helped but I didn’t. I’ve never lost somebody to suicide before so I don’t know how to process the thoughts I’m having or the feelings.

Has anyone else experienced this and knows what to do, how to behave, etc? Help me, please x

I'm so sorry. What a shocking thing to happen. And for you to lose her so quickly after your parents, too - that's really awful. Her poor children, too.

Just wanted to send you my sincere condolences OP, I have no advice other than to say you, and your sisters children are in my thoughts.

I’m so sorry to read this, you poor thing.

You don’t need a game face and there is no right way to deal with this.

I’m so so sorry for your loss, your poor sister. I hope she is at peace now

So sorry for your loss. Hope she's at peace now x

I am so sorry for your losses. I have not gone through this and hope I never do so cannot give first hand advice. You could call CRUSE on 0808 808 1677 or website cruse.org.uk for support and advice. Thoughts are with you

I'm so sorry for your loss.

This wasn't your fault, in any way. x

Please don't blame yourself. Often when people are depressed they do say things that they don't necessarily mean so you weren't to know. It will feel very raw at the moment. I am so sorry for your loss and what it is doing to you too. Hang on in there.

I am so sorry. You must be in shock! Please call SOBS 0300 111 5065. They are survivors of breavement of suicide.

So sorry for your heartbreaking loss. I think when your faced with a sudden death your body goes into shock. I would imagine there will be an inquest. The police will be able to tell you more when you meet them.
Take care of yourself.

I'm sorry for your loss. If you were my DW I wouldn't want you to have your 'game face' on. I would want to share that grief.

Don't blame yourself, none of it is your fault and you couldn't have done anything to change things.

You don't need a game face, particularly in front of your husband. Don't bottle it up.

It's something you never quite get over IME and feels so different to other deaths. I'm so sorry, you'll be ok. Be prepared for some stupid but well meaning comments from others (not on here, IRL) they don't mean it x

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have lost 2 people close to me over the years to suicide. It is agony. I would echo the pp who says hopefully your poor sister is at peace now. Be kind to yourself. This is a huge trauma, you will need time and support, give yourself permission to grieve.

I’m so sorry. I don’t have helpful words but just want you to know someone is listening.

I'm so sorry, how awful.

I am so sorry for your loss.

No you didn't say the exact words that you might say now if it happened again...but you did say a version of them.

You said "I am here, with you, and you are here too, you are important to me, we are here together for each other, and others need you, because you are worth needing, you deserve us needing and loving you, that's how much we think of you, because that's the place you have in our lives".

I think she knew that you could see her, and understood her, and that's why she felt able to tell you how she was feeling. She trusted you and confided in you and your response was to show your love for her in the way you knew how, which was to try to explain the importance of her in all of your lives and what she represented.

So sorry for your loss. I am what they call a 'suicide survivor' (someone who has lost somebody close to suicide). You need to know this is not in any way your fault. My boyfriend killed himself. I didn't think I would get over it but you will be amazed at how strong you are when there's no other choice. You'll never forget, but time lets you function again and when the worst has happened the only way is up. Do get in touch with others who have been through similar op. There's loads of groups now and do get counselling. It massively helped me. If only to be able to continue talking about her when friends start to not mention her for fear of upsetting you. There is no right way to behave in grief - just be kind to yourself

Thank you all so very much for this support, it’s comforting. The phone numbers I will write down on card and keep with me, the schools are already involved so her children will have support in place not just in school but at home too.
I’ve already had one thoughtless eejit come out and ask “how did she do it?” - I didn’t bother answering.

Take each day at a time. Forget the game face. Just be whatever you need to be.

Hi OP my gorgeous son committed suicide on 1st April. The shock is overwhelming. There is a good Facebook group called The Red Lipstick foundation who support people bereaved by suicide. You can rant, ask silly questions or just post what's in your head and be supported by people who understand what you are going through. Big hugs to you and your family.x

I don't have anything helpful to write but wanted to offer my condolences. I'm so sorry to hear about your sister.

I’m sorry Clever

Sorry pennow

Ignore the thoughtless/nosy comments and questions.

I'm so sorry

I’m so sorry for your loss OP, this is absolutely devastating as a PP has said, you don’t need to put a game face on, you’re allowed and entitled to grieve and feel everything that comes with that.

Your actions played absolutely no part in this so try not to beat yourself up too much. When losing someone to suicide it’s natural to play your last conversations with them over and over and imagine how things could have panned out differently if you had ‘said the right things’. But sadly suicide is rarely a sudden action- your sister is likely to have been struggling for sometime and this is incredibly complex, which is why there are specially trained mental health professionals to try and help those with suicidal thought processes. It’s very rare that conversations with family and friends are enough to help with such deep rooted struggles.

There are some good resources for helping to process your grief online. I’ve listed a few below as you might find them helpful to read-

Cruise bereavement care have a list of specific suicide bereavement charities on their website-

www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/traumatic-bereavement/suicide

I sadly lost one of my closest friends to suicide a few years ago. At one stage during my grief process I was in a really dark place and used their helpline to speak to an incredible volunteer which bought me great comfort (although I know helplines aren’t for everyone). They were also able to put me in touch with a counsellor who was fantastic and counselling really helped me to process my grief.

And some others I found helpful-

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Suicide/Documents/Help%20is%20at%20Hand.pdf

www.rethink.org/advice-and-information/carers-hub/suicide-coping-with-loss/

Sending my love and condolences to you OP x