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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My Sister took her life last night

160 replies

Clevererthanyou · 15/05/2020 14:07

Afternoon anyone who reads this,

An anonymous Internet forum seems like an odd place to bare my soul but I can’t do it in real life because I have to keep my Game Face on for my husband and son.
Last night, my beautiful 35 year old sister took an overdose and ended her life. She was the life and soul of ... well, life. She had three children who lived with their dad. She had a dog that she adored and called her baby. Our mum died last year of an accidental overdose and our dad died the year before that. The last time we spoke she told me she didn’t want to be here and I screamed at her that she had to stay because of me, my husband and son, her kids and her dog. I didn’t say “I’m here and I’m listening” like I should have. We had a private joke that she was my baby sister even though she was older because I would tell her off for doing dangerous things. We didn’t always get on but we always got over it. I don’t know if she left a note as I’m waiting for the police to come and see me to tell me what happened.
I’ve had what me and my sister called “bad nerves” for longer than I can remember and she did too, I should have seen the signs and helped but I didn’t. I’ve never lost somebody to suicide before so I don’t know how to process the thoughts I’m having or the feelings.

Has anyone else experienced this and knows what to do, how to behave, etc? Help me, please x

OP posts:

unlikelytobe · 15/05/2020 16:51

Tragic for all concerned. Be kind to yourself. Take care.

TARSCOUT · 15/05/2020 16:51

There are no words that will help just now but this anonymous internet forum is here for you. When you need to rant, when you want to say all the things you can't say to those left behind, we're all here for you. Take care OP and know you couldn't have changed the outcome, her.mind was already made up to do this. Sending virtual hugs to you wherever you are.

WheresMyAlex · 15/05/2020 16:52

I’m so, so sorry for your loss. With time, you’ll be able to look back on the fond memories with your sister. The last thing she would want is for you to blame yourself, I’m sure.
Talk to your husband, get some support.
Wishing you all the very best.

Notapheasantplucker · 15/05/2020 16:58

So sorry OP, such sad news

yorkshirecountrylass · 15/05/2020 16:59

I'm so sorry OP. There are no words that will make any difference right now and we can all say don't blame yourself but you will, what I can tell you is that is normal. Whatever you're feeling, now and in the coming days, weeks and months is absolutely okay to feel. Anger, sadness, guilt, frustration - I work with an awful lot of people who are affected by suicide and they are all different, all individual. One thing I do consistently see is that in time - some will take more than others and that's fine too - in time you'll find as well as feeling pain and sadness and hurt when you think of her you'll find yourself smiling at a memory, over time those smiles become more frequent. Sadly, once someone has made that decision there is very, very little that anyone can do to stop them completing suicide. In time you will come to terms with that but that will be in your own time. For now please use this space to say what you feel you can't anywhere else, there's no judgement from anyone here, but please do share with your family too xx

IHateCoronavirus · 15/05/2020 16:59

dottiedodah · 15/05/2020 17:04

I am so so sorry . Just dont have any words right now.Lots of hugs to you .Try not to bottle it up though and confide in DH ,Cry if you need to .

Bellringer · 15/05/2020 17:09

So sorry. Sometimes it takes a while to sink in, don't be brave, cry and scream if you want to.
Are you next of kin or her ex, someone else, did she leave a will or note of her wishes about her funeral. Of course her children will and should be be at the centre of everyone's concern. Winstone wish is a fabulous charity for bereaved children (your child included). A real support, please use them.

MrsHound · 15/05/2020 17:14

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Please look after yourself, this must be such a shock and horrible for all of those who love her

HawthornLantern · 15/05/2020 17:15

I am so, so sorry

This was not your fault. Please don't ever think that.

Very touched to read of your random acts of kindness. I hope it brings some comfort and respite.

Salome61 · 15/05/2020 17:16

So terribly sorry.

dicksplash · 15/05/2020 17:17

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I haven't any experience of this but I did go through a few counselling sessions earlier this year as my husband suffers with depression and one if my worries is he will do the same as your sister. One thing the counsellor told me is we can't blame ourself for not seeing the signs as the signs are rarely there. People feeling this way often go to a lot of effort to make sure the signs are not there so please don't blame yourself.

For anyone who might be in a similar situation as me (ie living with someone who has mental health issues) some other advise I was given is to ask the person if they have made or thinking of making any plans (to end it). Its hard to lie about a direct question and maybe what they need to start talking.

Op, this is a terrible time to be going through this with limited interaction with others especially your sisters children. I'm sure taking about the situation, your sister, your grief, your anger will all help. Don't bottle it up. Whatever feelings you are having are the right feelings so don't feel you have to think or act or feel a certain way.

Runnerduck34 · 15/05/2020 17:22

I couldn't read and run. I am so so sorry for your loss, please please dont blame yourself, feeling guilty is a normal reaction but IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
You sound like a wonderful sister. Cry as much as you need to don't bottle it up. Do you have someone you can talk to in real life? Take it one moment at a time and be kind to yourself. Talk to your GP it maybe a bit soon for counselling but get what help you can including short term medication if needed. This forum can offer wonderful support so feel free to vent in a safe place💐

mooching · 15/05/2020 17:40

I am really sorry this has happened.

You absolutely don't have to have your game face on for anyone, unless you are about to smash in your brothers car with a gold club and then need to look innocent.

I hope you don't feel this way because you don't actually say this in your initial post but you do talk about your last conversation. Whatever your last conversation was you can't feel guilty. It wasn't because of you that she did this. If you had said 'the right' things it wouldn't have stopped her.

You have done the right thing going to your GP, the strongest people ask for help and show their vulnerability.

incognitomum · 15/05/2020 17:43

God that's awful. Really sorry to hear what you've been through

Frenchfancy · 15/05/2020 17:56

So sorry for your loss. We lost my BIL over 10 years ago but I remember the raw feeling.

The main piece of advice is breath in, breath out, repeat. Nothing else matters right now.

MH is an illness just like cancer. No-one should be held responsible.

Sweetiepye · 15/05/2020 22:32

Oh Cleverer, my heart goes out to you. This is so sad for you and the rest of your beloved sister’s family, especially when you are still grieving over the loss of your dm and before that your df. I have no advice, other than don’t put a brave face on for your dh. Please tell him how you are feeling and let him help and support you through this.
Just so sorry...💐

Holothane · 15/05/2020 22:39

You poor thing hugs 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

echt · 16/05/2020 10:58

So very sorry for your loss. Cleverer.

I cannot begin to imagine this very particular loss.

Many

Lardlizard · 16/05/2020 11:58

I’m so sorry for your loss, i know this is a loss like no other, so much more complicated
Please look at sobs website when You have the time,

sashh · 16/05/2020 12:09

I'm so sorry, what a shock.

I hope the advise and help numbers given here can help.

I'm sure she stayed as long as she could. Please keep checking MN there is always a comforting word or a virtual hand hold.

JessicaDay · 16/05/2020 12:16

Original poster

Clevererthanyou · 16/05/2020 13:23

Good afternoon (I slept until gone 11am but I’m not ashamed). I wanted to thank every single poster who commented here for support on one of the worst days of my life so I wrote down all the names on paper and photographed it as it was quicker than trying to copy and paste names, so from the bottom of my broken heart, thank you all. I’ve written a list of all the phone numbers and support groups listed and ie managed two coffees and to put my bra on. Classy.
I’m going to hop over the the bereavement by suicides thread now to see if I can relate and garner some comfort from it - thank you all

OP posts:

incognitomum · 16/05/2020 13:57

I hope you find some comfort. Suicide is such a horrendous way to lose someone. So many questions and those left always wonder if they could have stopped it. Very doubtful but it's a normal way to feel. ❤

ScrimpshawTheSecond · 16/05/2020 14:13

Well done on the coffee & bra front, OP.

Keep checking in, we're all here for you if you need anything. Take your time, be excessively gentle with yourself.

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