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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My Sister took her life last night

160 replies

Clevererthanyou · 15/05/2020 14:07

Afternoon anyone who reads this,

An anonymous Internet forum seems like an odd place to bare my soul but I can’t do it in real life because I have to keep my Game Face on for my husband and son.
Last night, my beautiful 35 year old sister took an overdose and ended her life. She was the life and soul of ... well, life. She had three children who lived with their dad. She had a dog that she adored and called her baby. Our mum died last year of an accidental overdose and our dad died the year before that. The last time we spoke she told me she didn’t want to be here and I screamed at her that she had to stay because of me, my husband and son, her kids and her dog. I didn’t say “I’m here and I’m listening” like I should have. We had a private joke that she was my baby sister even though she was older because I would tell her off for doing dangerous things. We didn’t always get on but we always got over it. I don’t know if she left a note as I’m waiting for the police to come and see me to tell me what happened.
I’ve had what me and my sister called “bad nerves” for longer than I can remember and she did too, I should have seen the signs and helped but I didn’t. I’ve never lost somebody to suicide before so I don’t know how to process the thoughts I’m having or the feelings.

Has anyone else experienced this and knows what to do, how to behave, etc? Help me, please x

OP posts:

Lynda07 · 15/05/2020 15:01

I am so sad for you and her children, op.

HangryChip · 15/05/2020 15:03

I am so very sorry.
It is not your fault and my heart goes out to you and her children. Please look after yourself for you and for her children too.

RaskolnikovsGarret · 15/05/2020 15:04

Having had a couple of suicide attempts myself, please please please don’t blame yourself at all, it is nothing to do with what you said or did. You are not to blame. And secondly if someone wants to kill themselves, they will. You cannot stop them. For me every day is a battle to stay alive. Your sister will be at peace now. You will of course be hurting in an indescribable way at the moment, and I am so so sorry for you, but I hope you reach peace soon. You have suffered an awful lot and deserve some happiness.

starfish4 · 15/05/2020 15:07

So sorry to her this. I know it's easier said that done, but don't kick yourself for something you didn't say - the chances are it wouldn't have made a difference.

Is there any reason you need to keep your game face on for your husband? If he's half decent, he'll be expecting you to be upset, need to chat - if he hasn't picked up on this, ask him if you can have a hug, chat whatever. If you don't feel you can do this, do contact one of the organisations mentioned - or you can do it as well as talking to DH. It's only natural to be upset, tearful, need someone to speak to, especially as we're in lockdown and can't meet up easily with a friend/work colleague.

nocoolnamesleft · 15/05/2020 15:08

Now it must be too raw a loss for thought, or words, or to do anything. But in time you will have the most precious gift to give those bereaved children. You have memories of their mother, your amazing sister, that no one else shares. When you are ready, write down some of those memories. For you, it may be a catharsis, or it may be like the sharing of memories at a wake. For them, when they are old enough, it will be a chance to know another side of the mother they lost.

Iamagree · 15/05/2020 15:09

How awful for you and for her children. I am so so sorry

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 15/05/2020 15:13

I saved my DH from an attempted suicide attempt, i wasn't aware he was that bad, please do not blame yourself.

Wife2b · 15/05/2020 15:15

There is no right or wrong way to deal with things op, you just have to muddle through and it will get easier. My Mum died of overdose just over 2 years ago, we weren’t on the best of terms and I’ll forever regret it. But we can’t change the past so as much as you might want to, try and resist going down the path of it being your fault. Your sister made a decision, the only thing you can do now is have patience with yourself and understood you will feel all emotions and probably feel irrational at times but it’s all part of grief. I’ll forever have a pain in my heart, sometimes it just hits me out of nowhere and I’ll be in tears again. Just have faith that you will get through this and take each day one day at a time. I’m sorry for your loss xx

SRS29 · 15/05/2020 15:17

I am so sorry for your loss OP. There are some great people on here with excellent advice so I hope that helps...

HelpFlattenTheCurve · 15/05/2020 15:18

I am so sorry this happened.

It was not your fault.

LemmysAceCard · 15/05/2020 15:18

I am so sorry for your loss x

HyacynthBucket · 15/05/2020 15:20

This is terrible for you, and you must be in absolute shock. Be kind to yourself, and please do not beat yourself up in any way. .

LovePoppy · 15/05/2020 15:20

Im so very sorry for your loss x

jessycake · 15/05/2020 15:21

Please don't blame yourself , its the last thing your sister would want . Her feelings just became too overwhelming even though she loved you all very much . You will just have to take each day as it comes as your feelings will swing about all over the place , there is no right way to behave or feel, you might feel numb with shock or angry at her ,alongside the sadness. My condolences to you xx

Ssmiler · 15/05/2020 15:21

I’m so very sorry for your loss OP
My only sibling attempted suicide many many times. While some were cries for help most were serious attempts where she was left dangerously ill in hospital afterwards. She and I lived apart from our parents from late teens and I tried so hard to prop her up and prevent these attempts.
I tried the supportive “I’m here for you” approach as well as the stern approach and the “think of me I love you” approach you took - and many others in between. None worked.
As others have said you must try not to over estimate the impact your words could have had on her actions - it will be very minimal or in my experience probably zero
The other thing that I wanted to say was that my sisters last attempt was at age 42. She didn’t die but cpr was performed for a prolonged period. The impact of this was a catastrophic brain injury that has resulted in her needing 24 hour care in a facility. She was beautiful and clever and lost everything.

I wish so much that your sister had survived and recovered but I’m also glad that she is not suffering like mine - please take that in the supportive way it is intended

My heart goes out to you and your family as well as your sisters kids of course. I know that you will realise the Importance of trying to take care of your own mental health during this terrible time - for yourself as well as your family
Please take care of yourself

AygoHomeNow · 15/05/2020 15:21

I'm so sorry - you must feel like you're in a nightmare. Sending you strength x

Willitneverend · 15/05/2020 15:22

I lost my sister recently too. It's a horrible time right now as you can't have a proper funeral or meet anyone outside your own household. I also had someone asking me if I was sure she hadn't died of covid, like she was disappointed!

I also remember very well that feeling of having to put a brave face on it as you're all mostly stuck in the house.

Feel free to PM me if you want a chat .

ScrimpshawTheSecond · 15/05/2020 15:33

I am so sorry, OP.

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 15/05/2020 15:34

I'm so very sorry OP.

Please dont blame yourself - suicide is such a complex issue and people that are determined to do it often wont be persuaded otherwise. This isnt your fault.

I think you just have to be kind to yourself and process this in whatever way makes you feel most comfortable. There are lots of books on amazon about this topic so seek advice there and get as much support from your social network as you can. Your GP can probably refer you to counselling if you feel you need it.

With suicide, often people dont want to die, they just cant face living any more. Take comfort from the fact your sister knew you loved her and that you will be there for her children. I am deeply sorry for your loss.

viques · 15/05/2020 15:36

I am so sorry, it is hard enough grieving for a sibling and the loss of all those shared memories and reminiscences without the added pain of a suicide. Please don't feel guilty, she was clearly very unhappy, even if in your last conversation you had persuaded her to talk to you about her feelings it is clear that her unhappiness was too much for her to bear.

It's too soon now, but at some point try to write down some of the stories and memories you shared so that you can tell them to her children one day. Even writing a caption for a photograph will mean something, when it was taken, who was there. You are her memory keeper and historian now, remember the good times.

Take care of yourself.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 15/05/2020 15:39

I am so, so sorry .

It is normal to think over and over about what you could have done differently-, what you should have said or not said. But this is not your fault. It is not anyone's fault.

Petronius16 · 15/05/2020 15:40

OP, I am so sorry. 65 years ago my Mum committed suicide. I was eighteen and the one who found her.

I’ll echo Redwine,

You'll never forget, but time lets you function again and when the worst has happened the only way is up.

It wouldn’t have mattered one jot what you said. I buttoned everything up, did the brave face thing, unwise, very. Be open with your OH, not so much with you son, depending on age.

Plenty of advice on here, I shall think of you often.

With love.

Sarah510 · 15/05/2020 15:41

So sorry, I could read and not post. I don't have any direct experience, but as someone who has felt suicidal in the past, please believe it's nothing you said or did. Your sister was in pain, and tragically she chose a 'final solution' to relieve that pain. It's so hard to understand, and so hard for those left behind. I hope you have some 'listening ears', whoever they are, whether friends, helplines or threads on here. Xxxx

Original poster

Clevererthanyou · 15/05/2020 15:42

Thanks to the posters who posted after my update. The kindness of strangers is overwhelming, especially when placed next to the words/actions of those who should know better. My former brother (because that’s what he is, long before this) actually responded to the news with “aww is she” and I’m so angry I could happily take a golf club to his cars. Instead I phoned my gp, he was patient and understanding and now I have a prescription for sleeping tablets and a six week sick note plus a list of resources to contact for support. I’ve taken a knitting magazine to a local care home and dropped it off with the receptionist who’s going to plonk it in the sitting room for when they’re open again, I feel like if I do nice random acts of kindness for strangers it can combat the bile in my mouth.
Please forgive me if I don’t reply to individual people, my head is absolutely slamming and I’m exhausted. I’m comforted by so many messages on here and I think not trying to unpick the whys/what’s/how’s for at least six months is brilliant advice. It hasn’t been a year since my mum died yet and I’m not ‘over’ that. I still break my heart over losing my dad because we were so close, the day before his funeral I miscarried and I’m wondering right now how deeply unfair it is for one small family to be hit with so much grief. Thank you everyone x

OP posts:

onegirlandherdog · 15/05/2020 15:46

I am so so sorry. I hope you have someone to lean on right now.

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