My Sister took her life last night

[Clevererthanyou]

Afternoon anyone who reads this,

An anonymous Internet forum seems like an odd place to bare my soul but I can’t do it in real life because I have to keep my Game Face on for my husband and son.
Last night, my beautiful 35 year old sister took an overdose and ended her life. She was the life and soul of ... well, life. She had three children who lived with their dad. She had a dog that she adored and called her baby. Our mum died last year of an accidental overdose and our dad died the year before that. The last time we spoke she told me she didn’t want to be here and I screamed at her that she had to stay because of me, my husband and son, her kids and her dog. I didn’t say “I’m here and I’m listening” like I should have. We had a private joke that she was my baby sister even though she was older because I would tell her off for doing dangerous things. We didn’t always get on but we always got over it. I don’t know if she left a note as I’m waiting for the police to come and see me to tell me what happened.
I’ve had what me and my sister called “bad nerves” for longer than I can remember and she did too, I should have seen the signs and helped but I didn’t. I’ve never lost somebody to suicide before so I don’t know how to process the thoughts I’m having or the feelings.

Has anyone else experienced this and knows what to do, how to behave, etc? Help me, please x

*@Straycatstrut please reach out for help and support .

Clevererthanyou That’s a fab idea to write down all the websites and support groups, very sweet of you to thank us all like that, but honestly no need, I hope you managed to get some sleep last night, I would also agree with other please don’t worry about having to put a game face on, or if you do, don’t try n do it too much, as idontvwantvyou to over bottle it all up, find people you can trust to talk freely and openly too, and every small step is a huge achievement
Thinking about you

I'm so sorry to hear. Maybe call the samaritans? They could give you more specialised advice on who to call.

How are you doing @Clevererthanyou?

Good afternoon Lou, unfortunately each passing day feels worse than the one before. I think it’s because unlike with my mum and Dad, I knew my sister was fit and healthy and this was avoidable. There’s still no contact from the police so I don’t know what happened. The person they contacted was her biological father who hasn’t seen us since we were small children, he identified her body and then went straight to her house to completely empty it of belongings. He has been telling my family and friends, my sisters friends etc that I won’t be allowed to go to her funeral because I changed my name to my adopted fathers name and therefore I’ve opted out of my sisters life. I was her next of kin. This awful-anyway situation is being made worse. The father of my sisters children is trying to gather evidence that he was NOK in hospital forms so that her children can then decide how the funeral will be, I hope for this outcome. My gp has given me tranquilisers for the day and sleeping pills for the night so I feel robotic which isn’t awful. Ty for asking

Omg what a shit that sperm donor is!! So sorry to hear this.

Oh, Cleverer. That sounds unimaginably difficult. I hope your sister's children's father can sort things out for the outcome you hope for.

Take everything a day at a time, an hour at a time. Have you people around you that can look after you?

Oh, @Clevererthanyou, I'm so very sorry to hear about your sister. What a tragedy. It is NOT your fault, though... You have nothing to reproach yourself for.

And I;m sorry to see your update about your sister's birth father. You really don't need this kind of thing now. Do you have anyone who can advocate for you, help to deal with the admin?

I am so sorry OP, please if you feel comfortable use us and this thread.
Each hour, each day at a time.

I'm so sorry. I lost my sister to suicide in 2013 when she was 41 so I know how this feels. It does get easier, I promise. I'm just so sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

I lost my brother to suicide last year and it is all consuming, draining, and just so so fucking sad.

It was not your fault x

That is all you need. Just remember that you know the truth and so did your sister, you and her children can still remember her in other ways (plant a tree, or do something together that she loved).

I'm so sorry op, I totally understand the guilt you feel as I've felt it too, but none of this was your fault. My BF committed suicide last year, literally text me to tell me he was going to hang himself and then radio silence whilst I desperately tried to call him and then when no reply, calling the police, his mum etc. He was found but died a week later due to brain injuries from the attempt. I felt so guilty that I hadn't been able to stop him, say the right thing at that moment to make him rethink. But after nearly nine months I know it wasn't my fault. I miss him every day and my life completely fell apart for a while but it was a massive catalyst for me to change my life, quit my job and change what I wasn't happy with in life.

You don't need a game face right now, your husband wouldn't want that. Baby steps, I know it doesn't feel like it but it will get easier. You'll never forget or 'get over it' (hate that phrase), but it will become less raw and you are stronger than you think.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me, it’s breaking my heart that others have been through similar pain. I am now informed that a didn’t leave a note and TRIGGER WARNING DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF EASILY UPSET!!!

she took an overdose and seemed to panic and change her mind as she phoned the police and paramedics but they couldn’t save her. I’m haunted day and night by this as it feels that she didn’t want to go after all. I’ll never make her laugh again (it was wonderful to hear because she was helpless to a fit of laughter) and would tell me to stop because she was sure she’d have an accident. I used to send her rude GIFs and memes on messenger and she’d send them back. Despite being a good few years older I called her baby sister because it was my job to protect her, she told people it was because I used to tell her off. I miss her so bloody much, I’ll never see her recover from our childhood trauma and find happiness or her soul mate. She won’t see her children grow up and marry, it’s more than anyone can handle. I’m so sorry for the emotional dump on total strangers but it has been my comfort and solace. My husband has told me that I am strictly not to pretend that everything is ok ever and he is here for me, I thank God for him.
I hope everyone is as happy and healthy as they can be especially during this awful Covid business, lets cross our fingers that some specially clever person out there finds a cure/vaccine ASAP so we can be around each other again.

@Clevererthanyou

I'm so very sorry for your loss, and everything you have had to endure since.

Take your husband at his word and let him take care of you.

You have been through so much in this life. There is something about the way your write that makes me really admire your obvious strength.

Cleverer than you, I totally agree with your dh
No need for the game face
That will cause more harm in the long run
What a low life “dad” that is actually evil to ban you from the funeral
Can this be contested in some way?

Been thinking about you
Please update us all in here
Yes we don’t know you in rl but we all care and we are all here to listen try n comfort you and help no support
Sending you good wishes and strength
You will survive this
I’m sure you feel right now talkie you won’t but somehow you will

I'm so so sorry OP. I'm in tears reading your posts. She sounds like a wonderful lady. I am so sorry.

I have no words other than to send my thoughts to you at this tragic time x

That's horrific am so very sorry you found that out. You'll never get over this but hopefully the pain will ease ❤

Thank goodness you're opening up to your dh.

Oh, your poor sister. What a sad thing to find out. Sending you huge hugs.

I’m so sorry @Clevererthanyou 💐

It's nice to hear about your sister, she sounds vivid and wonderful. Feel free to share if it helps, I would hope this is a safe place to do that.

I'm glad your dh is being so supportive.

• by which I mean, it's nice to hear details of her life, of course, sorry OP if I phrased that clunkily.

How are you doing today ? Did you gets by sleep ?