Miss my son so much

[LilyTheSavage]

My beautiful middle son died on 10th August in a tragic and needless accident. It's three months today and I feel just as bereft and weighted with grief and sorrow as I did the day he died. It's very hard to bear. There must surely be others who have had this happen too.

Thanks Mojito. All needed and gratefully received.

Monday has passed quietly. I just felt a terrible weight of sadness which hasn't dimmed or changed in the two and a half years since Paddy died. Writing it like that and naming the time makes it seem such a long time ago, but it feels like last week. Everything around the time of his death and his funeral is recalled in startling clarity, but things that happened last week fade into the background. Nothing else seems so important.

I just want everything to be quiet and dark and calm. I just want my boy back. But I know it's not happening. Ever. I miss his voice. His sounds. His smell. His presence. His silly jokes. His big tight squeeze hugs. I just miss the very essence of my Paddy.

My DS1 shared a short film clip of the two of them messing around in the garden on a water slide that I hadn't seen before. It just crucifies me to hear and see him. It ought to bring comfort. But it doesn't.

This is never going to change.

There is nothing I can say, Lily.

I can just send the love from a stranger from the internet & say that this is your place where you can come & cry/rage/scream whenever you want & one of us will always be here for you.

Which isn't much but I hope it is a tiny crumb. I think of you often & Paddy as well.

Much love, from a stranger (((xxx)))

I am so sorry for your loss. There is a group called ; grieving mothers.co.uk who give each other mutually support. No one can really understand unless they have been through this horrendous experience. The loss of a child regardless of age is something you cannot "get over". Please take care

Checking in. The dark storm clouds never disappear but I do hope some small Ray's of sunshine are managing to peak through.

Thank you for your kind messages.

The dark clouds have been temporarily banished by the arrival of bright spring sunshine and me being able to work my socks off in the garden at last. My DH is home for a couple of weeks which is always lovely. I've had quite a few sad moments but feel more under control than this time a week ago.

I just know that I have to ride out the blackness and keep breathing. Doesn't make that aching loss ever go away though.

So pleased to hear you can get out into the garden.

And so bloody . I have thick clay soil & mine is like a fucking swamp atm & I dare not touch it - if I do the compaction will be even worse this summer.

Why did I ever moan about sandy soil (which I once had)?

Gardening is a great healer -

Sending you my love, Lily. XXX

Thanks Magi. That made me smile. My garden is actually a place of solace and reflection. I keep saying to my DH (and he's extremely D) that whatever I spend on the garden is cheaper than a psychiatrist. He believes me!

it helps me to visit my son in the cemetery. I feel closer to him there.

I don't know where I feel closer to my darling boy. France, UK, woods, kitchen where the beautiful beam he made for me is installed over the fireplace. I just don'e know. All I know is that I don't know.

I have been feeling terribly fragile this week but it's interspersed with moments of lightness of spirit. It's all just so unpredictable. Exhausting and scary. I sometimes think I am losing my grip of reality and losing my mind.

You are close to him where ever you are, Lily, because he will always be in your heart.

The 'lightness of spirit' must be quite scary but I don't think you are losing it - it sounds to me (& what do I know?) like a very normal part of grief.

Much love.

Just 'popping by' to say that I think of you often.

And my garden is till waterlogged

still

Missing you lily at the moment. I feel like we haven't touched base properly for awhile. It's been a trying time for you over the last few months. You are on my mind and in my heart as I write this now.

Take care of yourself and enjoy what sunshine you get and time in the garden you have.

Thank you magi and Mojito

I've had a few very low days feeling utterly bereft and pointless and just sat on the floor weeping. You know how it goes sometimes. I just get beyond the mask. It won't stick. Then out of nowhere I dreamt of Paddy. I have dreamed of him three times since he died and even a dream is better than nothing. I awake feeling a bit calmer.

I need to link in properly with you too dear Mojito. I think of you often.

Sending love to you both.

Missing you. Thinking of you. Sending all my love and thoughts.

Trying to get a balance between allowing yourself to grieve and keeping going for the sake of the others is exhausting. I sometimes feel that I really need a good sob but it just doesn't come, and then other times it's overwhelming.

I don't like being broken.

I just raised my coffee cup to you dear Mojito

I agree completely with what you have said. I'm in the same boat at the moment.

Sending my love to both of you.

And was pleased to 'hear' from you again, Lily.

I have nothing to offer, but I do pop by to see how you are.

Love from a stranger on the internet. (((xxx)))

Thank you Magi

Mojito - it's good (if that's the right word) to know that I'm not going mad and that we feel is the same as other BPs.

Sending love to you both.

Just seen something on my FB timeline. This time three years ago I was varnishing the snug floor and had no idea at all that in less than two weeks our lives were going to be turned completely upside down.

The pain and grief doesn't go away. I am just better at pretending and keeping my mask firmly in place. I miss my darling boy so much. I can't bear to think that he was on his own when he died. Did he have even the smallest moment of fear or of knowing? I will never know. It tears me to pieces.

Lily.

There is nothing I can say that can help you. But I do look in here & look out for you & think of you often. That's the only, very,very small thing I can give to you.

Thanks magi

It's coming up to my darling Paddy's third anniversary and I"m really struggling. Everything is just so overwhelming and the sadness is constantly here, even more so. I feel that he's so far away and sometimes it's as if he's never even existed but I'm surrounded by memories. Even the happy memories just reinforce that he's gone. How can such a vibrant life just be stopped? I'm busy getting the garden ready for my DS1's wedding in three weeks and this should be a happy and joyful time but it just underlines Paddy's absence even more so. Two days ago was the last time that I saw my lovely boy. How can this be.

I miss my treasured boy so much.

Thinking of you & Paddy today.

Oh Lily, I hope DS1's wedding went well. I totally understand your feelings about life being great one minute and then being turned upside down the next. I guess we just have to go one for our DCs who are still here. Lots of love to you and your darling Paddy. Btw I really think the name tag was a sign for him to you

Lily, may the memory of your son be eternal, worthy of blessedness and ever to be remembered. May Christ give rest to Paddy's soul, where sickness and sorrow are no more, neither sighing, but life everlasting.