Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Original poster

Son does not bring his girlfriend to visit because I don't let them sleep together

150 replies

apn1179 · 14/11/2016 21:21

I have old fashioned values and I have always said that my children's boy/girlfriends were welcome to stay over but they would have to sleep in the guest bedroom.

My son has been going out with his girlfriend for about 9 months. He was 'seeing her' for about three months before that she was 18 in July he is 21. I met her once for about 5 minutes months ago.

When he lived here he refused to pay me anything towards his keep because he worked away all week and did not eat here very much. He stays at her mothers house every weekend only comes home to do his washing and take a shower (what's that about?). She lives about three miles away btw

He is always very pleasant but most of the time is too busy to help me with jobs around the house which I cannot do.

I had the feeling that he was not bringing her here because I would not let her sleep here but did not know for certain till this morning. I asked him if he was ashamed of our house he said 'no why do you say that?' so I said well you never bring your girlfriend around so he said 'well you won't let her stay over with me'.

Is it me? There is no way that I will change my mind it goes against the grain. My daughter brought her boyfriend home and he stayed in the guest room.

My house my rules I have a younger daughter to consider also.

OP posts:
OohhThatsMe · 14/11/2016 21:23

Is it that he sees you as not being welcoming to her? He's been with her for nine months and he's 21 - what would it take for you to let her stay with him in his room? Marriage? Engagement?

Hercules12 · 14/11/2016 21:24

As long as you live a sinless life.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 14/11/2016 21:25

Well, you don't have to change your rules. Your DS has told you where he stands and he knows where you stand.

But you can't have those rules and then whinge when your DS doesn't want to bring his girlfriend to see you because of them!

But you seem to be holding something of a grudge against him for more than this...

OohhThatsMe · 14/11/2016 21:26

I wouldn't put up with bad behaviour off my children, but if they were nice to me and nice to their girlfriends, I would pick my battles and let her stay. Having a good relationship with them would mean everything to me and while I wouldn't be a walkover, I would welcome a girlfriend into my house and accept she would want to stay in his room if they were already sleeping together.

madcapped · 14/11/2016 21:26

I don't blame him really. You don't make him, or his girlfriend, feel particularly welcome.

LBOCS2 · 14/11/2016 21:26

Well... he's an adult. He can choose where he wants to stay, being an adult. You haven't made your house very hospitable to him so he's choosing to be elsewhere.

FWIW, I wouldn't be paying rent to live in a house where my partner couldn't stay over. Either I'm an adult and able to make my own choices and pay my own way, or I'm a child and my parents make the rules and I have to toe the line. You can't have it both ways.

roundandroundthehouses · 14/11/2016 21:28

If you aren't going to change her mind, and neither is he, then there doesn't seem to be much of a solution. Is your issue that you'd like to see more of your son, and/or see more of his girlfriend as well? If so, possibly meeting for lunch somewhere away from home might be the best. You are of course entitled to have your own rules in your own house. But two adults are also entitled to go wherever they want, and if he is prioritising time with his girlfriend over time with you, then maybe you just have to accept that. It's sad, but plenty of young people do the same. It does sound like he doesn't really see your house as his home any more.

Meadows76 · 14/11/2016 21:28

well yeah if they can cosy up at night at hers then obviously they are going to choose to stay there over separate rooms at yours.

Soubriquet · 14/11/2016 21:28

What they've all said ^^

You can't moan about your ds not bringing his gf round if you're not prepared to bend the rules.

He's 21, an adult and had been dating his gf for 9 months.

Lorelei76 · 14/11/2016 21:30

Presume the money question is separate to this

then not sure what you want from the thread
Your house, your rules, fair enough I guess

Not a rule id ever have but if you're happy with it then keep going.

titchy · 14/11/2016 21:30

Well you know why he doesn't stay over don't you so not sure what you're asking. You've made a choice and he's made one based on that. Fair enough isn't it?

He's polite and pleasant to you, pops in regularly and lives away, which is pretty normal for a 21 year old. That's all good isn't it?

Lorelei76 · 14/11/2016 21:31

You could invite her for lunch if you want to get to know her.

Mymothersdaughter · 14/11/2016 21:31

My mum has same rule. Never bothered me, we just sleep in separate rooms. I respect her rule

Pollyanna9 · 14/11/2016 21:32

I thought this was going to be about someone about 17 years old or something.

They're obviously sleeping together at hers - your rule means effectively your home has become out of bounds to him.

Obviously it's your house your rules but it sounds a tad extreme when you know he's sleeping with her anyway and because of his age.

Makes me think there's possibly other stuff going on not just this.

DragonRojo · 14/11/2016 21:33

He's not asking you to change the rules. He's just showing you respect while doing what's best for him and his girlfriend. I did the same before I was married. I was not going to stay at my parent's house and make my future husband put up with such nonsense

MycatsaPirate · 14/11/2016 21:34

You can't treat him like a child (by saying he can't have his gf over) and then expect him to pop home and do house chores for you.

Your house, your rules?

Fine. But don't expect your son to live there.

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/11/2016 21:35

He's 21 Shock

What on earth are you hoping to achieve. I'd not bother visiting either of I was going to be treated like a child. You do realise they have had sex yes? And that they are ADULTS!!!

Haffdonga · 14/11/2016 21:37

Depends on these old-fashioned values of yours.

Which do you really value? Having a close family relationship with your son and the person he loves as adults or having a house where extra marital sex doesn't happen.

Each to their own but I know which I'd value more.

SailingThroughTime · 14/11/2016 21:41

You can't have your cake and eat it.

midcenturymodern · 14/11/2016 21:41

I wouldn't stay their either if I could go 3 miles and share a bed. I'm not a nymphomaniac, I just couldn't be arsed. I like falling asleep next to DP and I wouldn't go out of my way to sleep apart.

You can either let him sleep with her at your house or accept that he will stay at hers.

Soubriquet · 14/11/2016 21:42

What help around the house should he do anyway? Sounds like he's barely there

user1471548375 · 14/11/2016 21:42

What would it take for you to change your mind?

Would they need to be married? Is there an arbitrary age?

What if they had a child but weren't married? Would it make a difference?

What specifically worries you about your younger daughter witnessing them sharing a room?

Like you say, your house, your rules. He's not arguing them down, he's just choosing not to put himself in a situation he doesn't want to be in.

Original poster
apn1179 · 14/11/2016 21:55

Perhaps I should have put this on Gransnet as I am in my late 50's and it would appear that my morals and values are outdated.

I have asked him to invite her to family occasions but he always says no. Sunday dinner no. I sent her a birthday card and gift she sent my a thank you note which was very nice.

Basically if he cannot have sex with her here he will not allow us to get to know each other.

OP posts:
Lorelei76 · 14/11/2016 22:02

OP my mum and dad were late 50s when I had my boyfriend stay over, I was 18. I'm now 40. I don't think age is a factor.

They wanted him to feel welcome. Mostly I stayed at his, he was older and had a flat, but sometimes he stayed at mine. The olds liked his cooking too!

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2016 22:05

Oh dear, sharing a room doesn't mean they wil, have sex. In fact it's probably odds on they would rather eat their own liver than have sex in your house, it's simply about recognition of their relationship. Sharing a bed doesn't mean sex. I don't know how your marriage is, but jeez if you think that.

You've made your position clear, you will not recognise they are adults and in a serious relationship, you will assume the seedy and offensive. No wonder he doesn't bring her round.

Don't dress it up as morals,because it's offensive to the young adults involved and their sense of responsibility.

In fact assuming they will have sex is well out of line, and that's the nicest I can say.