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Original poster

Son does not bring his girlfriend to visit because I don't let them sleep together

150 replies

apn1179 · 14/11/2016 21:21

I have old fashioned values and I have always said that my children's boy/girlfriends were welcome to stay over but they would have to sleep in the guest bedroom.

My son has been going out with his girlfriend for about 9 months. He was 'seeing her' for about three months before that she was 18 in July he is 21. I met her once for about 5 minutes months ago.

When he lived here he refused to pay me anything towards his keep because he worked away all week and did not eat here very much. He stays at her mothers house every weekend only comes home to do his washing and take a shower (what's that about?). She lives about three miles away btw

He is always very pleasant but most of the time is too busy to help me with jobs around the house which I cannot do.

I had the feeling that he was not bringing her here because I would not let her sleep here but did not know for certain till this morning. I asked him if he was ashamed of our house he said 'no why do you say that?' so I said well you never bring your girlfriend around so he said 'well you won't let her stay over with me'.

Is it me? There is no way that I will change my mind it goes against the grain. My daughter brought her boyfriend home and he stayed in the guest room.

My house my rules I have a younger daughter to consider also.

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 14/11/2016 22:40

Outdated?

You sound like my nan who died age 89... 20 years ago.

Is this taking "ur bubba, ur rulz hun" to its logical conclusion?

AlmaMartyr · 14/11/2016 22:41

My parents weren't comfortable with me having my boyfriend sleeping in my bed with me when I was a teenager, which we respected. After we went away to uni together, they gave me a double bed and allowed us to sleep together because they respected our relationship. They were in their 60s at that point.

This is nothing to do with morals. You are entitled to have your house rule, but your son is entitled to choose not to bring her home. I married my boyfriend eventually so I'm glad my parents were so supportive!

Lorelei76 · 14/11/2016 22:44

Also bit surprised this has been posted in this category as I thought it was about children....

Beebeeeight · 14/11/2016 22:50

So you are against sex before marriage?

But he is having sex before marriage, so what does it matter now?

If they have a baby will they still have to stay in separate rooms?

Or will you not let a bastard child in your house either?

m0therofdragons · 14/11/2016 22:55

You wanted to charge rent even though he was away most of the time? You expect him to visit and do jobs you cannot do (what kind of jobs?)

Your relationship seems very odd to me tbh. A 21 yo wanting independence is hardly shocking and he doesn't think you value his relationship so is pushing you out.

Propertyquandry · 14/11/2016 22:56

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Gileswithachainsaw · 14/11/2016 23:02

Anyone else picturing op sat on the landing with a in the dark waiting and watching to make sure there's no sofa action...

Really not healthy to be so invested in your adult child's sex life

FrancisCrawford · 14/11/2016 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuackDuckQuack · 14/11/2016 23:22

I wasn't allowed to share a room with my boyfriend until I had graduated. Same/similar at his parents house. I don't think it was that long ago. I don't think it's that unusual, though perhaps choosing graduation as the end point was a bit weird. Obviously there was a certain amount of creeping about and we didn't actually go back home in the holidays that much. At 18-21 I wasn't that interested in getting to know my boyfriend's mother. She's going out with him, not you.

stonecircle · 14/11/2016 23:36

57 here and ds1 (22) is currently tucked up with his girlfriend across the landing. She's also 22 and has been staying over since they were 17. The sky hasn't fallen in and they haven't corrupted his younger siblings.

crje · 14/11/2016 23:42

My MIL made us sleep In Separate rooms even when I was pregnant & also after ds was born.
Only marriage was acceptable,
I hated going there.

BackforGood · 14/11/2016 23:42

I know everyone is focusing on the fact that they (as do I) understand why he stays at his girlfriends rather than at OPs,
but am I the only one who thinks it odd he won't pass on (or she won't accept??) invitations to dinner, invitations to family occasions, etc?
Tbf to OP, that, to me is a normal part of getting to know your OH's family.

midcenturymodern · 15/11/2016 00:02

I don't think I would be giving up my Sundays at 18 to have dinner with a woman who thought my relationship was so juvenile we couldn't share a bed.

it;s either a serious relationship involving roast beef and bed, or it's not.

Original poster
apn1179 · 15/11/2016 09:21

OK so I have read and digested all your replies thank you for taking the time. So all of a sudden I am expected to welcome his girlfriend who he has purposely kept at a distance (because I don't believe in casual sex) into my home because he has been going out with her for 9 months. Well maybe if I had got to know her I might feel differently. His GF's mum made him welcome I did not have the opportunity
My son earns more than my monthly income and therefore could afford to rent but he chooses not to which I understand because his job involves working away.
He has been financially supported through an apprenticeship. When he started earning a better wage the resposibilty for car insuranace tax and purchase of car was turned over to him he has no outgoings apart from those which he borrows from me and pays back monthly he has run up debts with his bank with nothing to show. I still pay his mobile phone bill. I think that a little help here and there is not too much to ask

OP posts:
MuseumOfCurry · 15/11/2016 09:29

OP, I agree with you in theory but I'm not there yet (my children are younger) so my views are untested.

This is the norm in the US, where adult children tend not to bring their boyfriends/girlfriends home to sleep until they're married or at least engaged - it's how I was raised and ideally, how I envisage things working out with my own children.

I don't want to be extremely involved with girlfriends when my sons are younger, because I think it artificially accelerates the course of a relationship and makes it more difficult to end when its run its course. I'd prefer for them to not even broach the subject of girlfriends spending the night until they're engaged.

Lorelei76 · 15/11/2016 09:31

OP don't conflate issues
You feel he still Iives with you and doesn't pay rent therefore could help out a bit, totally separate issue

But your definition of casual sex is definitely off!

If he officially moves out, gird yourself, I wouldn't have a relationship with a parent who made such a judgement on my life.

OhBollocksFuck · 15/11/2016 09:35

He's not having casual sex. He's having sex with an adult woman that he's been in a relationship with for the best part of a year.

That's not casual sex.

If I was his partner, I'd be pretty happy that I didn't have to come to your house and be treated like an eight year old child or a sexual predator.

When is this going to change? What if they opt never to get married? What if they have a child before they marry? Will you still have this rule when they're in their late 30s if they're not married?

You're going to be very lonely if you keep treating your son and the person he loves like this.

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2016 09:38

I'm sorry. But uou do seem to have a very unhealthy obsession with sex. It's really really not normal. Sex in a relationship,of nine months is not casual sex. Casual sex is one night stands, or sex with a friend and no romantic relationship. Casual sex is not sleeping with ones long term adult partner.

I'm not sure you can get past whatever is causing this obsession and I think it will ultimately cost you dearly in the long term.

DinosaursRoar · 15/11/2016 09:41

Op - your son "works away" in the week, stays with his gf at her house at the weekends, just visits your house now and then, of course he's not going to pay rent or do chores - he's moved out but hasn't taken all his stuff with him!

I think you have got caught out missing the point when you could keep putting down rules that had to be obeyed in the way you want (ie you won't allow unmarried couples to share a bed so thought the outcome of that would be they wouldn't share a bed, not that your DS would effectively just move out).

Start again, treating them as adults, not children. Invite them over for Sunday lunch, assume they will leave afterwards. Tell your DS you like to get to know his girlfriend. Apologise if you didn't make her feel welcome to start with.

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/11/2016 09:49

Well you are not going to get to know her if you so openly disapprove of the relationship.

And don't say you don't. So strict and warped are your ideals even after nine months the she's nothing more than a "casual fling" ...

I'm. Not married nor do I want to get married. Piss off telling him me I can't share a bed.

It's a bit of paper for heavens sake

claraschu · 15/11/2016 09:54

Museum I am American,and this certainly doesn't apply to me or any of my friends. Our parents wanted to get to know our friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc, and always made them welcome.

Do you come from a Trumpy area?

NerrSnerr · 15/11/2016 09:59

It's not really casual sex is it? They're in a long term relationship. If you don't want them sleeping in the same room then fine, don't let it but don't get annoyed when they go elsewhere. I can imagine it's not about sex, more about being together. (And my parents and inlaws were older than you when husband and I got together and were allowed to sleep in each other's rooms).

I really think you need to stop focussing on sex.

The money is a different issue. If you want rent from him then ask for it, if you want him to move out and rent then tell him he can't continue to live at home.

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/11/2016 10:02

And do you usually expect people who don't live in your house to pay rent and bills?

You can't have it both ways. You can't have him Stay and pay rent and dictate where he and his girlfriend sleep. Why would he pay fir a room he can't sodding use.

Or would you charge him twice to cover the girlfriends bed...

PerspicaciaTick · 15/11/2016 10:02

You get to set your rules, but you also have to accept how your adult son reacts to those rules. He has chosen to be polite but detached. I think his reaction is quite reasonable really.

SuburbanRhonda · 15/11/2016 10:06

His GF's mum made him welcome I did not have the opportunity

I'm sure most young men would prefer not to live in a house where their relationship was described in such grubby terms.