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Original poster

Son does not bring his girlfriend to visit because I don't let them sleep together

150 replies

apn1179 · 14/11/2016 21:21

I have old fashioned values and I have always said that my children's boy/girlfriends were welcome to stay over but they would have to sleep in the guest bedroom.

My son has been going out with his girlfriend for about 9 months. He was 'seeing her' for about three months before that she was 18 in July he is 21. I met her once for about 5 minutes months ago.

When he lived here he refused to pay me anything towards his keep because he worked away all week and did not eat here very much. He stays at her mothers house every weekend only comes home to do his washing and take a shower (what's that about?). She lives about three miles away btw

He is always very pleasant but most of the time is too busy to help me with jobs around the house which I cannot do.

I had the feeling that he was not bringing her here because I would not let her sleep here but did not know for certain till this morning. I asked him if he was ashamed of our house he said 'no why do you say that?' so I said well you never bring your girlfriend around so he said 'well you won't let her stay over with me'.

Is it me? There is no way that I will change my mind it goes against the grain. My daughter brought her boyfriend home and he stayed in the guest room.

My house my rules I have a younger daughter to consider also.

OP posts:
Bumplovin · 15/11/2016 10:22

My mum was the same when I was at university and had been dating my boyfriend for 3 years from 18-21. She had the same rule as you so I used to spend the university holidays 3 hours away at his parents who were welcoming and treated us like the adults . If you decided to not have sex before marriage then that's great and absolutely your choice but he's 21 and the legal age of consent is much lower and he is in a committed relationship. He sounds like he is respecting your wishes by not staying with you (like I did with my mum) you can't have it both ways and be offended by this

Bumplovin · 15/11/2016 10:27

Blimy missed the bit a about casual sex! What on earth is casual about a 12 month relationship im surprised they are speaking to you if that's what you value their relationship as!

SarcasmMode · 15/11/2016 10:36

I think the real problem is you have issues around sex.

Sex to you is probably dirty unless making children.

Neither of them are doing any harm to you by sharing a bed.

I don't expect you to change your mind but I imagine if you have these... Restrictive beliefs you have other such beliefs and your son is embarrassed to bring his girlfriend into that.

He's probably worried you'll say something awkward and make her feel uncomfortable.

My grandparents in their late 70s have no problem with long term boyfriends staying overnight and they are in their late 70s so it's not an age thing.

msrisotto · 15/11/2016 10:43

The rent and staying over are two separate issues but of course he's not going to stay over when his adulthood is denied. Honestly, you sound judgemental and sour...who would choose to pay to be around that?

brodchengretchen · 15/11/2016 10:43

So, let me get this right, OP. If DS would agree to give you more money and/or agree to do odd jobs you might come round to the idea of GF pernoctating in the same bed? Because that's the implication to me behind the rather sniffy attitude you're giving. It must be a laugh a minute round yours. Sad

Do you fear that if you allowed GF to stay over and actually share a room with this poor young man then your younger daughter might demand the same for herself and her young man/woman?

TwitterQueen1 · 15/11/2016 10:51

OP, your son has not 'purposefully kept his girlfriend at a distance from you' - YOU HAVE!

You're not treating either of them as adults and you are not respecting their relationship.

I wouldn't want to come round your house either I'm afraid. Your age is irrelevant btw, and your values are not 'old-fashioned', they are cold and heartless.

claraschu · 15/11/2016 12:30

What harm is it going to do to a younger child of any age to know that adults in a loving relationship share a room (and might have sex)? I don't understand how this knowledge can possibly be harmful to anyone of any age.

QuackDuckQuack · 15/11/2016 12:55

Perhaps he should pay his own mobile bill.

heron98 · 15/11/2016 14:35

You sound a bit old fashioned.

They are both adults, don't infantilise them.

andsoherewego · 15/11/2016 15:57

Just for clarification - casual sex is what he was having when he was 'seeing' his present girlfriend and any other that he chose. He then decided that she was his 'girlfriend' which meant that he was only going out with her.

If I allowed him to bring his girlfriends here to sleep I could have been having any number of stranger wandering around which would be totally unacceptable.

Ragwort · 15/11/2016 16:25

I disagree with most of the other posters (perhaps because I am your age with a teenage son Grin). I do think your DS is being disrespectful if he can't at least introduce you properly to his girlfriend and bring her to meet you for a meal or something. Or why can't he meet you in town for a coffee or something? Presumably he and his girlfriend aren't having sex 24/7 so there must be some time available when they could just have a social visit?

They are not a 'committed couple' in the sense that they have set up home together, it sounds as though they are just dossing down together at the girl friend's mother's house - I can understand why the OP is not particularly happy about the arrangement.

I have no intention of letting my DS share his bedroom with a girlfriend, if that makes me old fashioned and means I see less of him so be it.

SuburbanRhonda · 15/11/2016 16:32

They are not a 'committed couple' in the sense that they have set up home together,

If you choose to make setting up home together your personal definition of commitment, you may have to accept that your adult children will be driven away by such an arbitrary definition.

Though in the OP's and yours, ragwort, you don't seem concerned about that.

QuintessentialShadow · 15/11/2016 16:35

I have asked him to invite her to family occasions but he always says no. Sunday dinner no.

She probably does not want to come, and your son cant force her. He respects her wishes, like he respect yours.

Even if you were to change your attitude and convince your son you have changed, you only had one chance of a first impression with HER!

Make sure you think twice about how you welcome (or refuse to accept) the next partner your children have.

You dont say what age your daughter is, but when she is older, or her boyfriends family welcome HER into their family, she may be off like a shot too.

user1471534185 · 15/11/2016 16:47

can I ask how you would be if they were living together full time, then visited you would you still expect them to have separate rooms?

FizzBombBathTime · 15/11/2016 16:53

Casual sex? What are you on about? Confused

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2016 16:58

Jeez, an committed relationship isn't setting up home together, the definition is below. And no it's not old fashioned, I think a lot of people have proven that, it's simply lacking respect for ones adult children and the choices they make.

Committed relationship definition :

A committed relationship is an interpersonal relationship based upon a mutually agreed-upon commitment to one another involving exclusivity, love, trust, honesty, openness, or some other agreed-upon behavior. ... Terms related to committed relationship include: monogamy: having a single long-term sexual partner.

Nope, nothing to do with living together in there.

wowbutter · 15/11/2016 17:05

I am fairly young, and will have this rule when I am in this situation. (Am not, as of yet)
I was never allowed to share a room with my significant other until we were married, even the night before the wedding, after two years of living together my parents wouldn't let him upstairs for long periods just in case!
Their house, their rules. It's respect.
Your son needs to respect your rules. Until he marries her, or you feel comfortable, they don't share. End of.

TheNaze73 · 15/11/2016 17:13

I think there's a couple of things going on here. You have your principles & admire you for having & maintaining them, however what you are effectively saying to them, is I disapprove of your relationship. They sound "committed" (hate that word however it'll do) so when will you approve? What's your line in the sand?
Secondly, it's an old saying & it may sound a bit archaic but, there's still a degree of truth in it that "a son is a son until he gets a wife, a daughter is a daughter, all of her life" You're going to have to accept that this is true in a lot of cases, regardless of your stance.
I don't actually think you're doing anything wrong other than judging them that if they stayed with you, they'd be having sex. What has given you that would be the case?

brodchengretchen · 15/11/2016 17:23

Their house, their rules. It's respect.

Respect, wowbutter, involving revenge?

QueenOfTheNaps · 15/11/2016 17:25

It's not an age thing because I'm in my 30s and I won't have my DC sleeping with their partners in my house (when time comes). It's your home, your rules and you're entitled to this. I only stayed with DH in my mums house once we were married, separate rooms before that.
It's a shame that he won't bring her round during the day, that seems spiteful if it really is only because you won't let them stay together... maybe there's another reason OP. Flowers

QuiltedAloeVera · 15/11/2016 17:26

Bad news, OP: you can't make your son do anything. He isn't a little boy anymore, sounds like he's on decent money, he's got places he can go.

The more you try to control him and insist he obeys you, the more you will push him away. This is already happening.

At some point, on some level, you will have to decide whether your rules or your son are more important to you. Because you obviously can't have both. Unbend a little.

Do ask on Gransnet as well. You might be surprised by the answers.

QuiltedAloeVera · 15/11/2016 17:30

wowbutter

He does respect her rules. That is why OP doesn't see him much.

laurzj82 · 15/11/2016 17:38

I think of course it's up to you if you don't want them sleeping in the same room but it's equally up to him to therefore prefer to stay with his gf.

Are you quite opinionated on other issues too OP? I wonder if your son is worried about potential arguments so is keeping GF away.

Can you perhaps try to discuss it with him and explain you would like to get to know her, find out the reason why? I'd fear you're the one missing out on a relationship with your son over this

Mrskeats · 15/11/2016 17:39

How is it casual sex?
My daughter is 20 and has been with her bf for 3 years
They share a room when they are back from uni.
I don't really understand your attitude. I'm not all surprised your son wants to keep his GF away from you though.

SirChenjin · 15/11/2016 17:47

I'm on the fence with this one. I don't have any problems with my son sharing a bed with his GF (both 19) but her parents do. Fair dos - their house etc. If he refused to go to theirs for dinner etc on that basis I would be less than impressed with him - seems v petty.