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Original poster

Son does not bring his girlfriend to visit because I don't let them sleep together

150 replies

apn1179 · 14/11/2016 21:21

I have old fashioned values and I have always said that my children's boy/girlfriends were welcome to stay over but they would have to sleep in the guest bedroom.

My son has been going out with his girlfriend for about 9 months. He was 'seeing her' for about three months before that she was 18 in July he is 21. I met her once for about 5 minutes months ago.

When he lived here he refused to pay me anything towards his keep because he worked away all week and did not eat here very much. He stays at her mothers house every weekend only comes home to do his washing and take a shower (what's that about?). She lives about three miles away btw

He is always very pleasant but most of the time is too busy to help me with jobs around the house which I cannot do.

I had the feeling that he was not bringing her here because I would not let her sleep here but did not know for certain till this morning. I asked him if he was ashamed of our house he said 'no why do you say that?' so I said well you never bring your girlfriend around so he said 'well you won't let her stay over with me'.

Is it me? There is no way that I will change my mind it goes against the grain. My daughter brought her boyfriend home and he stayed in the guest room.

My house my rules I have a younger daughter to consider also.

OP posts:
LBOCS2 · 14/11/2016 22:05
Hmm

My DM was 67 when she died two years ago. I'm in my 30s now. She never made my boyfriends feel anything but welcome in her home. She also treated me like an adult.

This is not an age thing.

Haffdonga · 14/11/2016 22:06

Sorry but these views are not that common among people in their late fifties at all. Regardless of age and 'values' I think that most people these days would find your house rules unusually strict.

My parents are in their eighties and as tradional, old- fashioned and conservative as they are, they would still expect an adult to share a room with their nine month standing partner (as they did nearly thirty years ago when I brought home my then dp, now dh).

katand2kits · 14/11/2016 22:07

They probably wouldn't have sex. They just want to sleep in the same bed, like adults in a relationship normally do.

Haffdonga · 14/11/2016 22:10

I'm in my fifties. Nearly all my friends are in their fifties or sixties. Most of these friends have dcs in their twenties. I do not know and don't think I have ever met a single parent who would not expect their adult offspring to share a room with their long term partner and that includes several who are strongly religious.

Soubriquet · 14/11/2016 22:12

This younger daughter who you want to "protect", how old is she?

Blu · 14/11/2016 22:12

It isn't an age thing. Your parents generation were young people at the beginning of the swinging sixties!

The problem with 'my house, my rules ' is that it is an ultimatum. And your DS seems to have respected your rules.... by avoiding your house. You aren't going to change, you say, and he doesn't need to, because he has found a welcome at his gf's house.

They are both adults. You are not treating them as adults who can make their own independent decisions. How does it actually affect you if they sleep together in your house? You know they are doing so elsewhere!

You seem to think she is a nice young woman, pay her the compliment of respecting the choices she makes.

You will be the greatest loser in this if you drive your son away. How will your principles be for comfort and company as you grow older?

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/11/2016 22:12

Why so obsessed with them having sex? Your views aren't just dated they are prehistoric.

This has to be the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Old enough to marry or join the army and drive and drink and have a frickin orgy if he wanted one.

But he can't sleep in a bed with his girlfriend...

PenguinsandPebbles · 14/11/2016 22:13

My mums late 60's and have been staying with long term boyfriends, these days partners and children for the past twenty years. DP and I stay at his parents house (late 70's) no issues at all

I've never had sex in my mother or mil's house - I can keep my hands to myself for one night :)

PenguinsandPebbles · 14/11/2016 22:14

Partner and partners children that should say... not multiple partners one man is most definitely enough for me

BipBippadotta · 14/11/2016 22:14

You could always suggest meeting up for lunch or tea or something, on neutral ground, if you genuinely do want to get to know her. No need to make this a battle of wills.

It could also be that he doesn't really feel they're at 'meeting the family' stage, complete with obligatory attendance at family occasions and Sunday lunches.

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2016 22:15

Basically if he cannot have sex with her here he will not allow us to get to know each other.

TealGiraffe · 14/11/2016 22:16

Its not an age thing, my parents are nearly 60 and both me and my brother had partners stay over when we lived at home. The only rule was when in a relationship, no one night stands in the house unless they were on holiday

My parents lived together unmarried in the 70s, so its not a modern thing!

Of course your son is going to choose sharing with his gf if thats an option! I think you really need to decide whats actually important to you here. Fair enough its 'your rules your house' but its not like hes 16 with a different girl every weekend. Hes an adult in a relationship!

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 14/11/2016 22:17

I don't let my adult children sleep with their boy/girlfriends here either. So they go to their boyfriends house where they are allowed to sleep together it's brilliant they hardly ever come homeGrin

fabulous01 · 14/11/2016 22:18

Your house your rules
But might become lonely. There are wordy things in life but boys don't visit mothers a lot so worth getting girl on side now and enjoy being part of their future

QuintessentialShadow · 14/11/2016 22:19

You are making it to be a sex issue, where in fact it probably is more of an intimacy and acceptance issue. She is not a fling! They have seen eachother 9 months!

Keep him and his girlfriends at an arms length now, and they will STAY at an arms length! Dont expect your son and his partner (this or future ones) to suddenly become close with you when they get married, have children, or lo and behold you grow old! Distance yourself, and you better hope your YOUNGER child will want to visit you and perhaps care for you when you grow older.

It is not about values, and morals, but distancing yourself. Dont alienate your son just because you are making a point about sex or rather NO sex!

SailingThroughTime · 14/11/2016 22:20

I think there may be other reasons why he will not allow you to get to know her tbh.
And you're very wrong about it being an age thing.
If you have certain values, you have certain values. Your son and his partner don't share them and they are taking themselves elsewhere to where their values can operate. It's as simple as that. Like it, lump it or compromise.

SaltyRock · 14/11/2016 22:22

Late 50s is irrelevant. My parents are much older then you and wouldn't behave this way.

If you want to charge him to stay at yours, who would he do jobs for free? I've never really understood the thing about charging family to stay with you, especially your children, but I realise many people do.

You're free to make any rules you like, but your son is an adult and will of course do what he needs to do to be happy. You can't make him like you to want to spend time with you. Do what you can to be welcoming and kind and maybe he will choose to see you more.

QuackDuckQuack · 14/11/2016 22:26

Your choice, their choice. That's it. You don't need to get to know her.

QuintessentialShadow · 14/11/2016 22:26

I should add, I am now mid forties, and my parents 82 and 90.

My boyfriend was allowed to stay over when we were 16, but then he slept in the guest room. When I turned 18 my mum (around your age now) did not care where he slept, or whether we had sex or not. I was always very close with my mum. I felt respected.

Try not think about what people do in bed, but focus on welcoming your childrens partner into your life and home!

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/11/2016 22:27

Would you let unmarried friends and their LTPs stay?

Or is the sex ban/bed ban limited to "children" only?

Trulymadlymotherly · 14/11/2016 22:28

'It would appear that my morals and values are outdated'.
Are you this patronising towards your son too? I don't blame him for wanting to stay with his girlfriend. As PPs have said you can have house rules but you can't force your adult son to stay at home to abide by them.
You also sound pretty proud of these morals. Having a desire to control when other people have sex doesn't make you morally superior.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 14/11/2016 22:30

God, my sister is only a couple of years younger than you but you sound about a generation apart!

Fortunately, she values her close, loving, honest relationship with her adult DS over some spurious abstract notion of morality. He visits her a lot.

Actually, more than a generation apart. My parents (in their 70s and 80s) have no problem with my unmarried sister sharing a room with her partner under their roof. Mind you, she and her partner have two kids and have been together for about 15 years - or would you still make them sleep apart? Confused

Haffdonga · 14/11/2016 22:31

Are you real, OP?

Blu · 14/11/2016 22:36

If you create so much distance now, there will be a lot of ground to be made up if this young woman becomes the mother of your grandchildren.

SquirrelPaws · 14/11/2016 22:36

The same rules applied to his older sister. He knows the score. It sounds as though he's punishing you by avoiding bringing her to family occasions. You're perfectly entitled to make whatever rules you are comfortable with in your home. He's an adult, he doesn't have to live there. I see that I'm out of step with most other contributors, but it was quite normal among my friends not to be allowed to sleep with a partner at our parents' homes until the relationship was very serious - cohabiting/engaged/married - and I'm mid-30s. I don't think I'll be as strict with DD when she grows up, but that's a long way off. Just because I wouldn't do it doesn't mean you shouldn't. I think he's being petty and immature. Hopefully he'll grow out of it.