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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have lied to ds1

132 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 20/07/2009 21:15

Ok bit of background but keeping it brief as poss as I am trying to settle ds2.

Basically he is forever telling silly lies to me over everything. He has been totally ignorant uncooperative, rude, bolshy and naughty for 3 days solid. Last night screaming at me "If i had some decent family member to go to I would and would leave this home as I hate you and you are nothing to me" I tried to ignore it and put him in his bedroom before i said anything in return iyswim?

ANYWAY he was meant to be going to cinema tomorrow with a friend. I phoned friends mum and told her he would not be going because of his behaviour, as far as I was concerned that was the end of it. However today he has been just the same, my mum bought the HP film on dvd today as she knows I will never get to the cinema as ds2 won't stay with anyone. Well ds1 has been a brat so and so all day and I happened to ask him to load the dishwasher so he asked to watch the HP dvd. I said yes and once he had done dishwasher i told him he was not watching it. Cue him telling me i was evil....but i wasn't being, not really, i just wanted him to understand what it is like to be lied to when you are asking someone to do something and they promise you they will.

OP posts:
Paolosgirl · 20/07/2009 21:23

I think you were B a bit U, tbh, but it sounds as if you were pushed to the absolute limit, and in those circumstances we all do these kind of things (don't we?! )

I'd follow it up by sitting him down, and explaining why what you did was wrong, why you did it and relate it back to what he did, and discuss how lying makes the other person feel. I'd also reiterate that there will always be consequences for bad behaviour, and that he has a choice - treat you, and behave with respect (and in return you will treat him with respect), or face some sort of punishment.

slowreadingprogress · 20/07/2009 21:23

YABU. He needs to be able to trust you more than anyone in the world. there are other ways of showing him that his behaviour is wrong. You did it yesterday with the not going to the cinema thing. If he's a brat again today then you imho just have to think of another consequence. Tricking/power tripping him is just not effective imo because it is nasty and breaks trust between you. As the parent, it is up to you to keep that trust between you even in the face of his challenging the boundaries, hard though that is.

hercules1 · 20/07/2009 21:25

You sound very reasonable. IT was a good idea.

parker1313 · 20/07/2009 21:40

I think this was fine too

Lifeinagoldfishbowl · 20/07/2009 21:47

Tbh not sure whether you were/nt right to do so in one way yes it shows him what you get but the flip side is he probably won't stop lying. What HP are you watching?

Momdeguerre · 20/07/2009 21:53

YABU - IMO it is a parents role to set the example - I don't think that this example will necessarily lead him to see the error of his ways - more likely to add to his antagonism with you - perhaps only shows him that it is ok for you to lie but not for him?

independiente · 20/07/2009 22:04

Hmm, probably ok, if you really stress to him that the only reason you did it was to show him how lousy it is to be lied to, as nothing else was getting through to him.
Horrible for you, you have my sympathies.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 20/07/2009 22:17

I am back have locked told him to go to his room and he has eventually gone with a lot of fuss. I eplained to him why i did what i did and how it hurts me when he constantly lies, one example was i asked him to go to the shop when i was ill (its round the corner) and he came back telling me he owed the man in the shop 60p so i gave it to him he went straight back and as far as i knew paid what he owed. A week later when i was well I went to the shop and the guy asked me to let ds1 know he had new sets of match attax cards in, so i replied oh he doesn't buy them...to be told that yes he came back 5 times last week and bought them.....so he had lied over what the money was for. I wouldn't mind if he went without!!!! or if he liked anything to do with footy lol.

Anyway, I have explained and I have also explained how his behaviour is affecting everyone - his answer?

"I know what I am doing and I can stop if I want to but I am not bored with being like this yet, I will let you know when I am"

Was I still so U especially when this is not the first time he has said it, along with "I wish I could learn to love and respect my mum" (said to dp when asked what 3 things he would like along with a tv and a trip to eurodisney this was the 3rd thing)

He is a lovely boy, I would say that he is my PFB but he is also very very naughty and nasty towards me.

OP posts:
independiente · 20/07/2009 22:22

I'm sorry, I have no experience with this sort of (very specific) behaviour.
Do you think you should get outside help (family counsellor type thing), or is that OTT?

independiente · 20/07/2009 22:24

How old is he?

PrincessToadstool · 20/07/2009 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigchris · 20/07/2009 22:25

do you mean your mum bought the latest Hp on dvd?

is it a pirate copy then?

ingles2 · 20/07/2009 22:31

How old is he TLE? He sounds very bright.....

cat64 · 20/07/2009 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Ninkynork · 20/07/2009 22:36

We're trying to catch up and watched Order of the Phoenix on DVD for the first time the other night.

It would have been ample punishment making him sit through that to be honest.

lilacpink · 20/07/2009 22:42

Can you bore him out of this phase?

For example, question everything he says, sit him down ask him to explain several times and look v. doubtful. Explain that he has lied so you will now need to take time to question him, that you really wish you didn't have to do this but he has put you in this position. Perhaps even do this around family/[his]friends. He sounds like he is (or is acting) like a teenager, he thinks this may be fun? - so make it dull

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 20/07/2009 22:43

He is 11 on the 29th of this month. He has been like this since he was 5, I have taken him to dr's, child psychologists, counsellors, play therapy and numerous other places. I have yet another appt on the 31st of this month.

Princess, he has always been told the truth about everything and this was a one off. I just wanted him to understand what it was like to be lied to.

BigChris
it is the new one and of course it is not a pirate it has not got an eye patch on or a parrot on its shoulder

Ninky LOL thats not a punishment he is HP mad having seen the first one when he was 3

OP posts:
ingles2 · 20/07/2009 22:51

What have the specialists said? Have they ever identified any SEN's?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 20/07/2009 22:54

Ingles, quite the opposite in fact. They have always said he is more than aware of what he is doing and is very clever, very smart, very aware, i think you get the idea lol. He seems to be constantly attention seeking. But his behaviour is all aimed at me...not dp, or anyone else

OP posts:
ingles2 · 20/07/2009 22:59

He does sound really bright from his responses TLE....
hmm difficult.
How old is ds2?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 20/07/2009 23:01

ds2 is 21m.

He is really bright and very knowledgable on a lot of things, has a brilliant reading age, and basically is very good at all subjects academically, he has a thirst for knowledge but has this nasty side to him which is more apparent on a daily basis than the sensible, caring side.

OP posts:
slowreadingprogress · 20/07/2009 23:02

I think the key is in his comment "I am not bored with being like this yet"

I think he is like this because he is able to be.

The whole situation of his life may need re-organising so as to give him as little opportunity to carry on as possible. for example a child who is prone to lying should not be trusted to go to the shop alone (know you were ill, but who said life was easy! ) You just can't trust him to that extent, or you are only giving himself enough rope to hang himself with and setting him up to fail.

I think he needs his opportunities severely limited (walking him to school and back, no playing unsupervised, family activities only - perhaps he can very slowly earn back some unsupervised time) and he needs a strong clear boundary when he does do things wrong/lies. He's clearly testing YOUR boundaries most; maybe if you look back you could have been more consistent, more clear? (couldn't we all?) Also I would say that your DP should back up your boundaries 100% as your DS needs to know that if he's testing you, he's testing the both of you and you are both going to impose the same sanction.

slowreadingprogress · 20/07/2009 23:06

It's like any crime

Means, motive, and opportunity, Holmes

Means (you give him the money to go to the shop alone and trust him to do so despite previous probs with lying)

Motive (you know him and your lives together; fill in as appropriate!)

Opportunity (basically - being an unsupervised 10 year old)

He's being handed it on a plate at present, perhaps? Just take means and opportunity away and you may go a long way to stopping some of this.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 20/07/2009 23:06

Slow, I would have gone myself but i had swine flu so did ds2 so i was really stuck.

You see i know a lot of the problem is the fact that when i was on my own with him i guess i indulged him. BUT by the same token he always helped it was only when he was 5 1/2 he changed.....

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 20/07/2009 23:10

also another part of problem..

this is a prime example.

Saturday we went to my cousins for a BBQ I allowed him to go out and play, go to the shop with his older cousin, and also he went on the trampoline. he made a comment which in turn made me remove him from the trampoline which was

"Don't knock me because if you do I am sure i will pass out"

He suffers from RAS, reflex anoxic seizures, a condition where pain along with other triggers can cause him to pass out.

Now i do not see I was being unfair but my mum jumped on my back telling me i was showing him up because he started stropping and crying as I said it was time to get off the trampoline.

OP posts: