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AIBU?

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Original poster

to have lied to ds1

132 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 20/07/2009 21:15

Ok bit of background but keeping it brief as poss as I am trying to settle ds2.

Basically he is forever telling silly lies to me over everything. He has been totally ignorant uncooperative, rude, bolshy and naughty for 3 days solid. Last night screaming at me "If i had some decent family member to go to I would and would leave this home as I hate you and you are nothing to me" I tried to ignore it and put him in his bedroom before i said anything in return iyswim?

ANYWAY he was meant to be going to cinema tomorrow with a friend. I phoned friends mum and told her he would not be going because of his behaviour, as far as I was concerned that was the end of it. However today he has been just the same, my mum bought the HP film on dvd today as she knows I will never get to the cinema as ds2 won't stay with anyone. Well ds1 has been a brat so and so all day and I happened to ask him to load the dishwasher so he asked to watch the HP dvd. I said yes and once he had done dishwasher i told him he was not watching it. Cue him telling me i was evil....but i wasn't being, not really, i just wanted him to understand what it is like to be lied to when you are asking someone to do something and they promise you they will.

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Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/07/2009 00:39

LMAO deffo not an aging hippy, or rockstar, or serviceman. he was working in admin until he was made redundant and now is a bus driver.

Lewis that is what I was doing up until i was ill, but have gone back to it since. Am going to sit down with him tomorrow when devilchild ds2 goes to sleep and see if we can do yet another list and if he can stick to his side of it this time (8th time)

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filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 21/07/2009 00:40

i think the point for me would be that he is a child and having your ears pierced is something you do as an adult really.

so by saying 'he wants his ears pierced so i don't mind' not another example of letting him behave as an adult not as a child?

i would be saying 'no-when you are over 16 you canmake that decision yourself but until then, no'

treat him as the child he is

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/07/2009 00:40

LOL Forty "i'm guilty" not worried about earrings or peircings as only wear 1 pair of earrings now and peircings cannot be seen mind you nor can my tatts most of the time

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fortyplus · 21/07/2009 00:41

I'm just being factual about the people I know

Alambil · 21/07/2009 00:41

goodness, really does seem like you've tried a lot

what about going in big guns then - no electronics other than mobile for emergencies, no pocket money, no freedom other than planned in advance (like mates parties) ... really harsh, but seeing as nothing else has worked...?

Give him the chance to do the list / contract, spell this out as "last chance before X Y Z" ?

fortyplus · 21/07/2009 00:42

so go on - was I right about dp or not?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/07/2009 00:42

Filch, I am treating him like a child but he has been asking for 8 years and i have promised when he is 11 he can have it done, i don't break promises as a rule.

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filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 21/07/2009 00:44

well its too late then i guess but you should never have promised.

i wouldn't do a list for the 8th time -it hasn't worked so why bother?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/07/2009 00:44

Forty, you tell me he is not any of the things you listed lol but as i said he was in admin until he was made redundant and now is a bus driver.

lewis, he doesn't have a mobile, i was getting him one for his b'day as he starts secondary in september. I am going to do list tomoz with him.

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Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/07/2009 00:45

because i am his mum and am always looking to find a way to deal with things with him rather than it spiralling more out of control iyswim?

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fortyplus · 21/07/2009 00:45

Can you turn the whole thing round and offer small rewards for good behaviour rather than punishing the bad?
If he behaves badly just tell him why his behaviour is unacceptable. What's he like at school? I always found 'You wouldn't speak to Miss X(teacher) like that so please don't do it to me'. A bit of getting him to think about his behaviour rather than diving in with a punishment?

fortyplus · 21/07/2009 00:47

Did Reg Varney have tattoos? lol I'm sure he did! Don't think straight men tended to have piercings back in the 60s though!

RumourOfAHurricane · 21/07/2009 00:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Alambil · 21/07/2009 00:47

does he NEED one for secondary, or could that be a long-term goal to earn (ie for one term he's got to be whatever level of "good" you determine?)

filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 21/07/2009 00:47

i'm not saying don't deal with the behaviour-i agree that the behaviour needs to be dealt with but that tactic obviously isn't working.

what does you dp do/say when he is so rude to you?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/07/2009 00:48

Forty ok, now i have to tell all
DS1 has ODD oppositional defiance disorder, I see this as a naught child rather than a sn iyswim hence the reason i don't mention it. At school he is fine but at home he is not. I will try the reverse and reward the good rather than punishing the bad.

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tinkerbell1982 · 21/07/2009 00:49

hey chick
i really dont know what to say,i have all this to come with ds1 i just hope these next few days goes quickly for you and your ds1 calms down or finds something to settle himself iykwim till his appiontment

well HV coming on the 5th august and hopefully she has ds1 in for yet another assesment appiontment and this time they will put it on his records we had a letter come though saying there is counselling for ds1 if we wanted and i think it will be good for him as he blames alot of stuff on batman or his bad brain

even our HV said to us she only knew what ODD was a few days ago only cos she read a newspaper, it isnt widely known about and i do think it should be taught to all HV,doctors and teachers and i think the public should be told more about this disorder the looks we get when ds1 kicks off in the middle of asda's well you know what it is like
hugs hun xxx

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/07/2009 00:50

Lewis as i said i WAS buying him one I am not now.

Filch, he explains time and again how hurtful it is, and in return ds1 hugs him and says sorry dad, i will stop. and he does until dp goes to work.

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Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/07/2009 00:51

Hi Tinks, and you will also know why I don't broadcast it then xxx

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Alambil · 21/07/2009 00:51

so, excuse my extreme ignorance .... does that mean you say "don't do that" (ie trampoline) and he kicks off major-style because he's defying you?

what about something like "if you faint, I'll make sure you're safe, but that is all... it is your choice now" - would he handle that approach?

fortyplus · 21/07/2009 00:53

That makes a lot of sense now
Something I used to have to remind myself was to praise even small periods of good behaviour. Thank him for holding a door open. Ask him to carry a bag and then say how helpful it was - that sort of thing. Do you do that already?
It's easy to pounce on naughtiness and punish it immediately, but doesn't usually achieve good results. Better if you can say that if the beghaviour continues there will be a specified punishment. Give him a chance to earn back what has been taken away.

HolyScrotum · 21/07/2009 00:54

god no, dont break the earring promise - a bit of meatal in his ear (if that is something you are comfortable with) changes nothing, a broken, long held promise at this stage is just going to muddy the waters further.

filchthemildmanneredjanitor · 21/07/2009 00:54

so there is lots of explaining and discussions and list aming and talk talk talk talk?

do you think he behaves at school because there are firm boundaries consistently applied?

i have to be honest-if my son spoke to me like that my dh would be really angry with him! there would be no explanations.

your son is a bright boy -he knows he is being a little so and so and he knows that you will allow him to do so.

i think you need to be laying down the law a lot more firmly.

tinkerbell1982 · 21/07/2009 00:55

with ODD they crave praise the more u give them the more they want it, and there isnt anything you can do otherwise they become more and more defiant towards you
ds1 is a star pupil great at nanas house but in his own home and when he is with us its a different story

we are going to have a support worker working very closey with us and she is coming out to our home and 'be part of the funrtiure ' she says so ds1 gets use to her and then she can see what he is really like then we can get support for me and hubby

i have asked about the webster stratton parenting course but since your ds1 is older i dont think it will be worth it but see what they say at his appiontment they may say go on it but they may say the same as me he is too old
xxx

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/07/2009 00:56

Lewis it is not ignorance ODD is not widely known according to child psych. Basically yes thats what it means.
Children with ODD blame others for the mistakes, can self harm, dislike rules, have an agressive side which frequently is directed at one person.

he would not handle that approach either because then if he did faint it would be my fault because i did not stop him, hope you understand lol cos it confuses the fcuk outta me.

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