to have lied to ds1

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Ok bit of background but keeping it brief as poss as I am trying to settle ds2.

Basically he is forever telling silly lies to me over everything. He has been totally ignorant uncooperative, rude, bolshy and naughty for 3 days solid. Last night screaming at me "If i had some decent family member to go to I would and would leave this home as I hate you and you are nothing to me" I tried to ignore it and put him in his bedroom before i said anything in return iyswim?

ANYWAY he was meant to be going to cinema tomorrow with a friend. I phoned friends mum and told her he would not be going because of his behaviour, as far as I was concerned that was the end of it. However today he has been just the same, my mum bought the HP film on dvd today as she knows I will never get to the cinema as ds2 won't stay with anyone. Well ds1 has been a brat so and so all day and I happened to ask him to load the dishwasher so he asked to watch the HP dvd. I said yes and once he had done dishwasher i told him he was not watching it. Cue him telling me i was evil....but i wasn't being, not really, i just wanted him to understand what it is like to be lied to when you are asking someone to do something and they promise you they will.

Moon, its ok, you gave me a giggle. I don't hold grudges. I just wish when people bring up something i have posted in the past they added all the details and not just snippets that make it seem things were done and said with malice.

Nobody will ever realise how i wish I had not had to tell ds1 what had happened to me...trust me nobody will ever know....

Ta TLES, thing is with posting like this is that people can take things the wrong way or you don't get the whole picture and somehow, through the thread, things get a bit out of hand, iykwim.

TLES the part I posted about the rape is not a criticism of you- you couldn't really possibly shield him from it all (I certainly don't think it is abuse ) but it IS a lot for a youngster to cope with and ,along with the death of his grandad, the bad stuff that has happened at school ,his behaviour is understandable.It is good that he is so articulate and can express his thoughts.I really think talking to your DS and understanding why he gets mad is teh way forward rather than punishing.Is he having counselling, I really think he would benefit a lot from talking in depth to an outsider.

Katie, he has had counselling, and they have said there is not much they can do because he is aware of what he is doing, he knows how to stop and has stated he will do when he is ready/bored.

The appt we have coming up is for the ODD, which I do not see as a SN it is in basic terms a naughty child.

Be back in a minute urchin DS2 is being an sod angel

Poor lad - no wonder he is upset and confused. What a dreadful thing for him to have to know at such a young age. No wonder he is difficult. Sounds like your best advice will be to continue to get professional help.

Haven't read the whole thread but from what I have he sounds like he is resentful, whether he knows it or not, of having had to grow up a bit quicker than may have been healthy for him, perhaps through the combined effect of circumstances and your parenting style and he sounds like he consequently doesn't see you as the figure of authority that he otherwise might. He has received earlier than usual lessons in the reality of parents powerlessness to keep bad things at bay. Some of us don't realise that until much later. Perhaps he can't help associating you with all the bad news - not your fault. On a basic childish irrational level he is probably just angry that you "let" all these bad things happen.

He also sounds precocious, clever and a little bit attention seeking but not that badly behaved. He is angry with you and is pushing you. Therapy would be the thing, or perhaps family therapy between you and he?

I don't have experience of ODD so may be way off base here and feel free to tell me to bog off, but it seems as if there are a lot of different punishments and rules in your house, all with the result of building resentment in any child, even more so with one with ODD E.g. coming off the trampoline, removal of laptop, mp3 player, ps2, trip to cinema, trip swimming and watching HP dvd - wow, that's a lot! Since these are things that presumably give him pleasure and he's reasonably well behaved when doing them, removing them means there is no incentive to behave well, so in his mind what's there to look forward to?

Also think Katiestar makes a good point about him being forced to grow up too quickly and face big harsh realities that would batter an adult emotionally, never mind a child. And his anger is directed at you because you've bought them into his life rather than shielded him from them (his view). But he also loves you the most = confusion. You've also mentioned potential genetic factors from his bio-father's side of the family too. Put that into the swirling cauldron of emotions and that's a lot for a little boy to cope with.

Fwiw, I think you simplify your approach. Use a straight forward system for bad behaviour that cuts through the rage, like Magic 1,2,3 - it has a section on ODD in the book about it. Essentially, it's calm but authoritative counting to 3, with an all important long pause in between, for him to think whether he wants to continue with whatever it is you want him to stop doing, and if you get to 3 the consequence takes place, eg bedroom for 11 minutes. No recriminations, no withdrawl of toys, a quiet explanation given if needed, and then move on. After the 8th visit to his bedroom, ds might start modifying his own behaviour rather than have wade in to attempt to do it for him.