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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have lied to ds1

132 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 20/07/2009 21:15

Ok bit of background but keeping it brief as poss as I am trying to settle ds2.

Basically he is forever telling silly lies to me over everything. He has been totally ignorant uncooperative, rude, bolshy and naughty for 3 days solid. Last night screaming at me "If i had some decent family member to go to I would and would leave this home as I hate you and you are nothing to me" I tried to ignore it and put him in his bedroom before i said anything in return iyswim?

ANYWAY he was meant to be going to cinema tomorrow with a friend. I phoned friends mum and told her he would not be going because of his behaviour, as far as I was concerned that was the end of it. However today he has been just the same, my mum bought the HP film on dvd today as she knows I will never get to the cinema as ds2 won't stay with anyone. Well ds1 has been a brat so and so all day and I happened to ask him to load the dishwasher so he asked to watch the HP dvd. I said yes and once he had done dishwasher i told him he was not watching it. Cue him telling me i was evil....but i wasn't being, not really, i just wanted him to understand what it is like to be lied to when you are asking someone to do something and they promise you they will.

OP posts:
fortyplus · 21/07/2009 00:58

Hang on... just seen 'Lewis as i said i WAS buying him one I am not now.' So you're telling him he is so bad he's not getting a phone - major undefined period of punishment.

That's entirely the wrong way to go about it imo.

I talked in general terms about them being able to have a mobile if I was satisfied that they would use it responsibly. I would never have slapped them down with - right, you don't deserve one now. It's too confrontational.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/07/2009 00:59

Filch i wish it was as easy as laying down the law but it really isn't. the more rule i put in place the worse he rebels and defies me. So i am having to take baby steps.

There i have finally admitted to one and all ds1 has ODD,and there is nothing i can do about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/07/2009 01:01

Forty, he has one i bought him 18m ago which he has never used so i am not buying another. he wanted one with a cam and mp3 on it. the one he has is basic and i mean basic.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/07/2009 01:01

the reason i said he doesn't have one is because he has never used it and it is still in as new condition. sitting on the kitchen work top.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/07/2009 01:05

anyway i am off to bed now as i am shattered.

OP posts:
tinkerbell1982 · 21/07/2009 01:06

my ds1 and anyone who has ODD will be good to anyone who he thinks is a threat for exapmle ~ staying at families houses he will be good or he misses out the next time and treats from them and school cos he cant have golden time or he (when older) will get detention

people with ODD do seem brighter i have spoken to alot of poeple with kids with odd and have found this

breaking promises to people with ODD is like a dream shattered i would let him get his ear done
xxx

HolyScrotum · 21/07/2009 01:07

TLES - In all honesty, I think that MN advice is all well and good but if this as a SN issue rather than a straight forward behavioural one (which I'm assuming you're in the process of finding out atm) then all the good advice on how to tackle his behaviour, or how you may be the root of it is probably not what you need right now, iyswim.
I think the advice you are being given is, in itself, very good, but possibly not actually relevant to you and ds, because ot sounds like this may well not be purely behavioural or something that you can solve by altering your parenting.
I'm pleased you have another appt this month and hope you can get to the bottom of the behaviour. Good luck.

fortyplus · 21/07/2009 01:11

Basic phones are all they need for secondary school if they need one at all, so I'm with you on that one!

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/07/2009 08:50

Forty, it is small it makes calls and recieves them the same as with text messages. I didn't think he needed more than that lol.

OP posts:
MoonchildNo6 · 21/07/2009 09:23

Have you ever read 'We need to talk about Kevin'? If not then I think you should!

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/07/2009 09:25

Moon no i have not even heard about it. Tell me more please! I am open to all suggestions and ideas.

OP posts:
MoonchildNo6 · 21/07/2009 09:28

Sorry I'm being a bit flippant.

It's a novel. It's quite hard work to get through but it's basically about a couple who have a son who is 'hard work' and treats his mother with disrespect. I don't want to tell you what happens in case you choose to read it. Suffice to say he actually has a lot of respect for his mum and not a lot for everyone else.

It was one of your earlier posts that made me think fo the book.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/07/2009 09:32

Moon, i shall look out for it. you have now got me curious!!!

he has been up 30 minutes and is already on one......1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13 and so on...not sure how high i can count in my head but i am going to find out lol

OP posts:
cory · 21/07/2009 09:51

maybe Lewisfan has the right idea about the trampoline

if he has some sort of disorder that makes him more vulnerable than other boys his age, then that is going to make him very angry and trigger any oppositional disorder he may have

not saying you should treat him as an adult in all other respects, but maybe he does need more control over this one aspect; I would discuss a plan with him about how you are to handle this situation before it happens; bearing in mind that boys of this age are incredibly sensitive of looking odd in front of others, so any situation like that will need very careful handling

and I think you have to accept his anger, as long as he expresses it in acceptable ways: I would not punish him for stropping and whingeing, only if he tries to hurt anyone or break anything

ds does not have od but he is just starting treatment for a disorder which does set him apart from his peers and interfers with his play and he is very angry and difficult at the moment

we had a tantrum last night that went on and off for several hours- I could see it coming when I picked him up at the childminders as he was hyper and quite cheeky- he had had a long hospital appointment in the morning which was specifically about him accepting help at school- very sensitive area

I try to keep some sort of balance between supporting him as much as I can and coming down like a ton of bricks on unacceptable behaviour

what helps me is trying as much as I can to find a punishment that doesn't extend over the next day; so that we can start afresh every day and he doesn't get into the habit of thinking of himself as bad, or of our relation as bad

but it's hard, and no doubt much harder in your case

ingles2 · 21/07/2009 10:05

morning... so sorry I disappeared last night. Ds2 came downstairs with a huge nosebleed.....
TLE, I asked you if DS1 had any special needs and you said no... I'm not sure any of the advice I gave you is relevant or suitable.
Maybe you should use the advice here until your appointment, but you must speak to the experts and get advice on how to handle him.
It really sounds like a very difficult situation. Good Luck.

pranma · 21/07/2009 10:51

Isnt this [op]like smacking a child for hitting?

edam · 21/07/2009 11:35

'We need to talk about Kevin' is a very tough, even horrifying story. Am concerned that it might make you fear people think your ds will end up the same way.

Have you read any research on ODD? Are there any charities who know about it and could help you come up with strategies that might work in the meantime while you wait for NHS or social services to sort stuff out?

Because all the very sensible advice might be great for the mass of children but not be appropriate for your son, given his specific needs.

If you do want some general stuff in the meantime, I'd sit down with him and draw up some family rules between you - what does he think should happen when he does something 'good' (list some specific examples) or when he does something not so good (with specific examples) and is there anything he'd like to change about the way your family works (have to keep it reasonable, obv.).

And where's dp in all this? Are you singing from the same hymn sheet - does he back you up? What's his relationship with ds like?

Given what you say about his father, did ds see rows or even violence between you when he was tiny? Could that be having a long-term effect?

MoonchildNo6 · 21/07/2009 11:51

Edam I did say i was being flippant and it is a tough book. Not suggesting for even a nanosecond that her DS1 will turn out like this and I hope TLES understands that. It is a novel not a factual account TLES.

HolyScrotum · 21/07/2009 11:58

TLES - Please dont read ...Kevin, or at least not with your DS in mind.
Personally I think TheMoon's original post was an attempt at making fun at someone elses expense.

katiestar · 21/07/2009 12:00

lady evenstar i have not read the whole thread, but I remember in an earlier thread you talked about telling your son about you being raped and having to keep the doors locked for fear of the said rapist coming back.That is too much for a young boy to have to cope with.
I think your DS has had to grow up too quickly and now is reliving his early childhood.
YABVU to promise him he coul;d watch a DVD if he helped and then reneging on the deal.How is that supposed to help him behave better.When the person to him closest in the world tricks him.He sounds like a little boy in a lot of pain.

MoonchildNo6 · 21/07/2009 12:05

Holy scrotum no it wasn't, as I said I was being flippant two different things, please don't put words in my mouth or start a row. LES don't read it if you don't want. Absolutley no offense meant so please don't take any.

slowreadingprogress · 21/07/2009 14:32

oh my god katiestar - if that's correct about what the op told her son, well that's abusive

and this is all way beyond a bit of advice on mumsnet

dittany · 21/07/2009 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 21/07/2009 16:01

Katie, please please don't put things on unless you are going to explain it properly.

I was raped in 1993 and the man was convicted in 1994, he escaped from Prestwich secure unit in 2006, which is when with the help of the police DS1 was told, the reason he was told is the man came back to London and the police feared for my saftey. He was shown a photo of the man so that he could tell staff at school if he saw him outside, etc. It was not ideal it was not perfect BUT then the situation was not perfect or ideal. As it so happened he went to Ireland where he raped a woman in her hotel room and was eventually sentenced on 10th June this year. But the police nor I could know whether he was coming back for me, they could only go by what the hospital reports said where he had mentioned me.

So yes he was told but it was not abuse, it was not something i just brought up over breakfast one day for no reason. He also read online the report of him being convicted in Ireland this year. His reaction was "Thank god mummy its over for us now"

On another note I have spoken to him today at length and we have discussed a lot of things, once again he has said that part of him still blames me for his dad leaving and that he wishes he could forget i was holding my dads hand as he took his last breath because when he looks at me he thinks of grandad.

He has also said he doesn't mean to defy me and also he understands why i did what i did yesterday because it made him think about the lies he tells me (his words).

I have to say since we spoke earlier he has been a lot better, ok it may not last and I am not expecting all to be solved overnight but I feel it is a step in the right direction.

OP posts:
MoonchildNo6 · 21/07/2009 16:22

You poor thing TLES. What a hideous thing to have to go through. You (as a family) have had a number of things happen that would affect behaviour. I hope you get things sorted with your son. I apologise again for earlier flippancy (made without reading the whole thread - I know I know!) and wish you all the best.