DH Lost Job

[Lostjobstuff]

Looking for some help/support/advice from people who have gone through similar.

DH lost job I March. Was high up in a finance organization. Spent the summer enjoying time with our three children (I supported this). But has now declared he doesn’t want to go back into finance and spends his time coming up increasingly far fetched ‘business ideas’.

I am trying to be supportive but it looks like my own dreams of taking sometime off or slowing down to be with our 3 children is completely unattainable now.

Has anyone been in my situation? How did it work out? I think it would be different if he had a concrete plan to retrain in another industry, but it just seems like he spends his time grasping at straws.

I think you need to be open with your husband that you still want to step back to spend more time with your kids too. Future plans have to allow for both of you to take a step back, not just one of you. How would that look? Do you need to cut expenses or downsize? If he can get a less stressful role/ any role, would you be able to drop a day? Look for realistic ways of both getting what you want. Setting up a business is not easy, especially at the moment.

OP, would he consider taking something like a delivery job for 6 months, so that he brings in some extra money?

I mean something like deliveries for a supermarket; they are so busy at the moment and new drivers are always required.

So, let's be kind and assume that your husband is having a 'demob happy' moment of self absorbed insanity. Or he's just revealed his willingness to throw the well-being of his entire family under the bus so that he gets to experience his thrilling fantasy of being one of the big boys/Masters of the Universe. Maybe it's hormonal or maybe he's always been like this but has hidden it well - who cares as the net result is the same. This is potentially marriage ending and he needs to hear that so that he might be shocked out of his self absorption and, if he isn't, then you can protect your children and your assets and divorce him before his obsession becomes meglomaniacal - see some buttock clenching episodes of Dragons Den for demonstrations of wives allowing self absorbed husbands full rein. I would drop the 'but you have unilaterally changed our plans' argument and start with the 'this is a marriage, the agreement is that both adults bring in regular income until another agreement is reached by BOTH adults or the marriage agreement has been broken' - by him. When in doubt, Protect The Children rather than Pander to the other Parent is the guideline, surely. Good luck and take charge of your family ship, you'll have to as he has just bailed.

I dont know how people like this can suddenly decide they dont want to work anymore when they have a family without even asking you.
You dont decide to just opt out when other people rely on you.

I think so, I watched a YouTube video yesterday about a woman overhauling her life in her 50s. She hated her job so she set up a YouTube channel and is offering life coaching...her second bit of advice was get a life coach, So basically, she is making a living telling people who are unhappy to use the services she is selling. I think people do this when they want an escape but don't actually have the ideas of a business to set up. See also people selling courses about property developing which don't include a time machine to go back and buy when prices were cheap, day trading courses instead of actually day trading, content creators setting up a business where they encourage people to set up businesses without any experience/prior wish to avoid the daily grind. There's a lot of money to be made in this type of content.

OP, pussy footing around his ego and not spelling out your concerns would be a huge mistake.

As would not dramatic slashing all spending wherever possible.

If he is deluded the worst thing you could do is humour him in this.

Your circumstances have dramatically changed and the way he is faffing about those savings are all you have.

I have heard of several women hugely regretful that didn't cut their cloth immediately and wasted a lot of money.

I think some men can be prone to denial and of sticking their head in the sand and can drag a whole family down.

He needs to pick up a job, any job to contribute whilst he explores his options.

This needs to be spelt out to him.

You have children to rear and he doesn't have the luxury of finding himself and a new career.
The potential for money to be frittered away is huge.

Before you know it, it will be Christmas and hiring can be very slow early in the year.

Don't allow time to slip away anymore than it has.

This, but there are a lot of people who either don’t understand how that feels, or do not care as it’s a man, so he needs to “man up”

So he’s been off 9 months
honestly the longer he is off the less chance he has going back into work at all

i think you are going to massively struggle to get him back into work

There's a shortage of male teachers in that there are more female teachers than male. But men are over represented at the senior leadership level, so the ones who do enter the profession are more likely to progress.

You need to sit him down and and ‘are you OK?’ And when he says yes say Ok, because you seem to have forgotten you’re a dad and husband and I shouldn’t be left to finance everything on my own.

It’s fine to be scared. It’s not OK to be so scared you let everything fall on your partner and selfishly want them to take over everything for you.

Im disabled myself not worked sin̈ce I got diagnosed.before that was a trainee chef

I think it's understandable that you're feeling anxious and frustrated. There's a big difference between taking some time out to reassess your career and having no clear direction, particularly when you have a family and financial commitments to consider.
I think it's important that your own aspirations don't get lost in all of this either. You supported him taking the summer to spend time with the children, which was lovely, but it's equally reasonable to want some clarity about what happens next and how your family's future is going to look.
Perhaps the conversation needs to move away from individual business ideas and towards a realistic plan, with some agreed milestones and a timeframe. He doesn't necessarily have to return to finance, but exploring alternatives needs to be balanced with the practical realities of supporting a family.
I hope you can find a way forward that gives you both the opportunity to pursue what you want, rather than one person's change of direction determining the future for everyone.

Good grief.

I don’t have exact experience in terms of life stage, but DH changed career in early ish stages of our relationship moving away from a job most people think is very good (his own grandma said ‘what a waste’ but didn’t quite mean it that way! He also has a business now.

If he is serious about a business then that could work out but it very much depends on what, what his attitude is, and the realities of the industry. I know people say ‘make sure he has a business plan’ but actually we have a friend who has spent about three years ‘developing the business plan’ and doing all sorts of nonsense that he thinks means ‘being a business man’ but in reality hasn’t brought in a penny and won’t any time soon. If he is serious about the business, he should be able to do some steps towards it alongside earning at least something through paid work (ideally related to the business)

what will make or break this is his attitude, both to the business and to you and his role as a family. You need to communicate and get a sense of where he sits in these respects andntake it from there

Handhold. My husband has done the same twice and I am now the main breadwinner and resent him massively. It’s a bit different because mine resigned without telling me but it has significantly changed our relationship.

My top tip - look at how you can protect yourself financially. He has choices, sure, about his career path but you have choices too - to protect your savings and your future. Maybe see an advisor and inform yourself. Handhold.

I had this problem. He only wanted to work two nights a week, whilst I work 40 hours. I couldn't do my hobbies because they clashed with his new job. We're now divorced.

In the end it's down to the wife/mother to ensure that the home is safe and functioning for the children. It always boils down to this.
So, make sure that YOU can pay the basic bills to keep the roof over your heads, etc.
He may get a job. He may not. Your job is to protect yourself and your children. Take it from there.

My dh had an exec level position he was made redundant from, ans spent a few months just enjoying his golden handshake.

He then decided he didn’t want another stressful position and took some of his redundancy money and took his HGV licence. Tbh I think it’s the best thing that ever happened. Hes now present when he’s home, no working on an evening or on holiday, not on a laptop or phone constantly and he’s never stressed due to his job. He really enjoys the fact that when he’s not at work, he can forget about it, and enjoys driving a lorry.

It’s made such a positive impact to our home and personal life. The reduction in money is obviously a factor we had to take into consideration, but imo it’s well worth it

He should really have been working already in some role just to continue a financial contribution - and that should be non negotiable as of now. there is plenty of seasonal work available. He also needs to treat job search as a job in its own right spend evenings or weekends looking for and applying for jobs. He also needs to get on the books with recruiters and reach out to contacts. No-one is coming looking - they woud lhave done that by now. He has had 8 months to set up a business - that ship has sailed. If he is at home full time at present I hope you have stepped back and he is doing all the day to day cleaning, shopping, cooking school runs admin etc that I suspect you do on top of your job. If he has all that to do it may speed him back to work instead of faffing about .

The problem with a planned career break is that the jobs market is spectacularly shit these days and you may not get back what you once had.

I'm 47 and never had any kids so I've never had time out. Fibromyalgia and bosses that refuse to cater even a little bit to my needs has lead to me resigning in September and I'm doing various things freelance to try and start some new incomes streams and trying to get a cat sitting business going, luckily my partner has a secure decent paying job but I definitely feel the onus to get money coming in sooner rather than later.

Middle aged men quitting/losing their jobs and leaving their wife to support them whilst they piss around playing entrepreneur with their shitty non starter business ideas seems to be an epidemic

Coming up for 17 years my dh got made redundant (for the second time). He worked in the City but not finance. I was working part time (DCs in early primary), and he decided to set up his own company (we obviously discussed this properly).

He’s built his business up well, but I’d say now is not the time to launch a new one! He finds it much harder now to get clients whereas 10 years ago it was pretty easy.

Absolutely, 100% correct, and I'm a Trade Union Official.

I’ve been out of work for more than a year. Landed a temp gig that paid well for 3 months but that’s it. I actually have a very viable business plan and I am building it out each day step by step. I’m also parenting a 20 month old and looking for a job simultaneously. Using nursery hours to do my work judiciously. It’s hard but it’s not impossible. I’ve also had to take the help of antidepressants and (after being diagnosed with ADHD) titrating meds. Support him but be firm and say none of this easy on anyone but taking one day at a time is the only way to do it. Good luck to you both!