DH Lost Job

[Lostjobstuff]

Looking for some help/support/advice from people who have gone through similar.

DH lost job I March. Was high up in a finance organization. Spent the summer enjoying time with our three children (I supported this). But has now declared he doesn’t want to go back into finance and spends his time coming up increasingly far fetched ‘business ideas’.

I am trying to be supportive but it looks like my own dreams of taking sometime off or slowing down to be with our 3 children is completely unattainable now.

Has anyone been in my situation? How did it work out? I think it would be different if he had a concrete plan to retrain in another industry, but it just seems like he spends his time grasping at straws.

Line in the sand time - you both need to come up with a solution to your careers and family time however if he’s able to earn megabucks compared to you it would put a different slant on the discussions. If you’re the one with a big earning potential that should be taken into account too.
The solution needs to be fair to both of you.

2026 now. Women can vote and everything 😵‍💫

@Lostjobstuff “We have a significant amount in savings but that will go quick if he isn’t making anything or spends a lot on his business.”

whatever he’s looking at doing, don’t let him spend families savings on it

Are you budgeting carefully now? I mean him really.

That’s very important to do at the moment.

This is a bit personal as some friends just sunk a load of money into a hospitality business. It’s not for me to judge whether or not they could afford that. But I was shocked when I found out how much it was. It hasn’t worked out. It’s just lost money. And a hell of a lot of of it.

Thank you for this advice. I know you are right. I think other posters have missed the point. Yes I am sad about not being able to slow down but also increasingly alarmed about the far fetched business ideas.

I actually haven’t read any other posts

This thing is really a shock for us and we just heard about it recently
They might have to sell their house
Also had very good careers before deciding to go for this business and it’s kind of shocking because it seems they didn’t know how much the cost would spiral out of control as well as not realising a lot of the costs of the business

I think social media is hard because maybe some don’t realise how many people are running hobby businesses and just ploughing money into it themselves, although they’ll say they’re CEO of something and they are CEO of nothing really and living on a trust fund or something like that

anyway, I hope you can get him to see sense, you have to find a solution that works for both of you but also a solution that makes money

I know another guy who has lost his job recently and he’s spending money as normal and saying that he wants to have a “mindset of abundance”. FFS.

I imagine he's scared.

Scared that he's not good enough since he got fired.
Scared that he won't get a job if he applies in finance
Scared that what gave him status has gone and may not return
Scared that his (breadwinner) role in the household which validated him as a contributing partner is non-existent

To some people, losing your job generates something not dissimilar to PTSD.

Not trying (i.e. avoidance) is not failing, and easier to bear sometimes

There’s been too many threads about self- employed people, with businesses going nowhere.

So since the summer holidays, he’s not knuckled down and got anything in place. I’d give him until the new year to get something in place, or he starts job hunting. Obviously it won’t have made a return by then but it least he’ll be focussed. Also, make sure he works at it, at least during school hours.

As an aside, my dh took several months to find a new job when he was unemployed unexpectedly, which included a few different versions of cv, contacting agencies, researching different job websites etc. We joke it was like a full time job for him. He probably applied for one to three jobs a week in that time, so if the business doesn’t materialise, it could take him another six months to find a job.

He needs to get a job if the OP doesnt feel comfortable being the sole earner supporting 5 people! Doesnt have to be full time but he doesnt get to just opt out completely.

It really varies I think. Im in a specialist technical role. My industry is only about 12% female. I think as a woman it was actually easier to get a foot in the door (they want diversity) but once in the door Ive had to be twice as good as a man to be taken seriously.
There are some industries like teaching where men are at a disadvantage.

That wasn’t what was agreed

You can reject but I believe biology plays a big part. The instincts mothers have is different, I’ve never known men to get as emotional, guilty when leaving kids to go to work or pine for them all day the way most woman do. There will be exceptions but to make out we’re equal when my breast were leaking when I went back to work and I felt like my arm had been cut off and my partner could switch off makes me never feel like it is. It’s definitely old fashioned but I would resent my partner for doing what ops had when this wasn’t the agreement

This shouldn't be a gender thing, or an individual thing- it should be a shared financial and family life goals thing. We sat down and said;
We both want to do some paid work
We want the kids to go to private school
We dont want/need a bigger house or better cars
We want a parent to collect every day from school

I had mat leave, then he got made redundant so i went back 5 days and got a more stressful job, at that point he did 3 days spread over 4 consulting and most of the domestics. After 3 years, he got offered a ft bigger job so i took time out and built a business, i now do 3 days a week and he does 5. My business is growing, his role is flexible, so we will end up about 4 days each (spread over 5 days, so effectively both picking up home and work equally).
Your issue is that you are divided - he isnt working at all, you feel he is "taking" your dream away. You need a shared dream. It is fair that he asks for more time home (you said "theyre only young once" but it sort of sounded like that only applied to you). Maybe you both want some time at home, so he needs to earn something now. Maybe you take it in turns (he has 18 months to make something work, then its your turn to take time off). Whatever it is - agree it as a team, share financial aims and lifestyle aims and see what is compatible.

I have never felt guilty going to work. Not once. I miss her all day and can't wait get back to her but not an ounce of guilt. When mothers wang on about the "mum guilt" it always seems like a performance to me. Surely no one actually feels guilty about providing for their children. It's what good parents do.

My dad was a stay at home parent to me, my mum was a lawyer and worked long hours, she went back at 3 months (me) and expressed so I could be fed. Both amazing parents. That was the 80s, can't believe how much sexist crap they both got for a very sensible arrangement (she was more qualified than him and a higher earner, he loved being at home with the kids, loved baking and cooking and keeping animals). So sad the same sexist shit is still being spouted. If they'd followed your gendered nonsense then I'd not have had such a brilliant childhood (or, bluntly, enough money for a pony, a university degree and a house deposit at 25). It isn't a gender thing, it's a "what works for our family thing". Your way works for you, not all men/women.

Yeah definitely not everyone there is exception’s and I would never judge what works for a family but in my experience most woman are working and doing everything else too

I did as I seen my children upset and I missed my own mum who worked full time in the 80s, she was exhausted after work and I felt just didn’t have the emotional or physical capacity to spend more time with me or take me to clubs etc, funnily I didn’t miss my dad as much for some reason but that’s maybe due to me seeing more mums at school gates for my friends and mine was never there. I was lucky enough to work pt and felt I got the best of both worlds, now full time as they’re older. I would never judge others but I do think mums feel guilty leaving young babies in nursery as they know their babies would prefer to be with them

Id split the savings now so he doesn’t spend it all.

Men are not in a disadvantage in teaching. The percentage of male headteachers is higher than the percentage of male teachers.

My husband and I between us have had three redundancies over the last few years. The first time he was redundant, he joined Royal Mail for 9 months as a postman, worked 8-2 brought some money in, did the school pick ups, got very fit and spent the afternoon job hunting. This year both of us were made redundant in March, he didn’t have a pay out this time as it had only been two years I had a modest one, so it allowed us to breathe. I found a new position and just had a month off although at a significant salary drop (better quality of life) and he’s really struggled to find anything this time. He took a ‘summer job’ at half his previous salary, but he’s actually loving it. He’s happier! It will keep paying him through the winter, but will be quieter giving him the opportunity to job hunt more if he wants to, but I think his boss will retire in a year or so, so if we can cut our cloth until then he may stay and run the place soon 🤣.

We decided that it was important to find the right role (both really 50s), it to take the time to do that meant bringing in some money to buy the time, we do still have to fund a child at uni!

Changing fields is very challenging in any market, in this one almost impossible. When he comes up with a business idea remind him he has 3 children and has to choose something which earns on day one.

sure there are differences in biology, but socialisation plays a much, much bigger part. Mothers and Fathers dont have to be biologically the same to have investment into caring for their kids.

Have I stepped back in time to the 1950s? You know women can provide financially too and men can do the childcare.

Im in Australia so may be different.

Theres a shortage of male teachers here, is that not the case in the UK? I mean, its great if not.

Same. My dad looked after me and my sibling in the 80s because
my my mum earned more and he got so much shot for it. My dad was actually more caring and affectionate than my mum so let’s drop the whole mums are hard wired to care better for their kids bullshit. And I say that as a mum

It depends on his motivations. You say he had a high up finance career - did he enjoy it? Because the only reason you said he should go back is so you can slow down... But to me if you like your career and he doesn't or it's super stressful then it's great that he's looking at stuff that fulfils him. If you hate your job / it's stressful too then it needs a conversation about how you can both work towards taking a step back. I get from the post you're not struggling without his wage - it just means you can't go part time yourself?