DH Lost Job

[Lostjobstuff]

Looking for some help/support/advice from people who have gone through similar.

DH lost job I March. Was high up in a finance organization. Spent the summer enjoying time with our three children (I supported this). But has now declared he doesn’t want to go back into finance and spends his time coming up increasingly far fetched ‘business ideas’.

I am trying to be supportive but it looks like my own dreams of taking sometime off or slowing down to be with our 3 children is completely unattainable now.

Has anyone been in my situation? How did it work out? I think it would be different if he had a concrete plan to retrain in another industry, but it just seems like he spends his time grasping at straws.

He needs to be doing everything he can to find a new job.

Ffs

Dear god. Welcome back to the 1950s !

How much does he earn compared to you?

Classic. You’re concerned he will no longer be able to fund your lifestyle and he needs to get with the programme and be realistic about all the stuff he has to pay for..so he can allow you to wind down. Love that! 😂

Hahaha did you read my post?!?! Move along troll. Thank you everyone who gave me actual advice. I have a path forward

You're not coming across as particulrly intelligent or insightful. I don't know if you were going for funny but you haven't nailed that either.

I very much read your post. I read all your posts. I am quite clear about your situation. Definitely not a troll. Just another mum thinking ‘dear god, it’s one of those finance wives with expectations of their high earning husbands.’ You only married him because he was going to be a high earner. He fulfilled the criteria. And now your future is at risk because he’s considering not slaving in FS any longer and that’s a threat to you.

I don’t feel that at all. You are obviously a man with a bit of a chip
on your shoulder.

only married him because he was going to be a high earner?!? Hardly. I didn’t think it was particularly relevant to this situation but this isn’t his first redundancy and I have supported him in the past. This was a planned break we both agreed I could take.

i get life happens and i have acknowledged that. I asked for advice on how to navigate through changing expectations and I thank everyone again who did that genuinely

Last I checked, I don’t have any Ys in my DNA

Few people are able to make a success of working for themselves whether in a consultancy role or as a business founder. IME men in particular can be very good as being "busy doing nothing" (looking fully occupied but not actually earning any money) and with "head in the sand" being unable to face the reality of cloud cuckoo land.

Running a family is bloody expensive and there is no room for fantasy when you're in the midst of raising kids and pulling the cart along.

He either hits the ground running with a viable, profitable concern or he gets a job. Any job. Bills don't pay themselves and money runs out so fast it will make your head spin.

Jesus. He may as well just keep buying lottery tickets in hopes that he may win. Would probably get further than these daft business ideas. My ex did this and was a large part of the reason I left him. Necessary outgoings totalled around £3k, him with no job repeating the same nonsense that he's "trying out business ideas", and those business ideas consisted of him getting stoned every day and looking at random shit to buy and resell. No direction, no funds to invest, no market research. Just a whole load of nothing from him and a whole load of me doing everything.

Just tell him that as an adult, he needs to finance his life and that of his children that he decided to have. Toying around with business ideas is not achieving that. You are not his mother and not a free honey pot, you will not be paying for him to live his dream life of being at home 24/7 and unemployed, as this was never agreed.

Similarly, my DH lost his job in telecoms in March. He enjoyed a career break and family time while applying for jobs. He had some notions about buying a house and doing it up but I had him doing jobs in our house and I think he lost interest. He's got a new job in the Civil Service now, waiting on a start date.

Yeah sure.

Lostjobstuff

Sorry, but it does sound like you and your DH have been working towards your plan and he has decided that its a good one for him as well.
You both need to sit down and figure out a new plan that works for you both.
It will mean compromising on both sides.

So not in as high paying industry, but similar happened to my ex DH. Slightly different in that he moved job after his whole working life in the same company, quickly found out that the grass wasn't greener and then was severely depressed. We agreed he would leave, I'd go back full time (I was on mat leave but had to go back slightly early and had originally planned to go back part time). Meanwhile I supported ex while he considered retraining in a completely different career, which would take at least 2 years. It was about 2 months before not being at work lost its appeal and he quickly found another job back in the same industry but for another company. It was a slight pay cut on what he had been on, but he was happier and we went back to our original plan of me returning part time.
Have you considered that DH might be a bit depressed? If you think he is, seeing a GP and trying to sort that out might help with the unrealistic ideas and help him focus on what your family needs.

Thanks it’s a good question. I think it’s hard to go through this level of job upheaval without experiencing depression. I am going to keep an eye out for it!

Oh dear. Equality mean anything to you.
Do real men not cry either! Both sexes are capable of contributing.

A partnership raises a family and pays the bills .. when there are 2 of you.

Employers terminating staff could step up by clearly advertising and de-stigmatising the mental health support they offer via their employer assistance programmes. My provision was not mentioned by anyone, just a few lines in a scrappy print-out alongside details of my package and only available for a few weeks after I left the business. It is traumatic losing status and income linked to a job and to suddenly face an extremely tough job market. The quality of both paid career coaches and the offboarding services employers offer is extremely mixed. There is a gap in the market here. Good luck OP - your partner does need tough love and clear deadlines but please don't forget the human angle too.

There have been several threads like this lately.

You're totally right of course but my lord I think your last paragraph is one of the most bang on narratives women need to hear!

No one should shy aware from providing for their children