DH Lost Job

[Lostjobstuff]

Looking for some help/support/advice from people who have gone through similar.

DH lost job I March. Was high up in a finance organization. Spent the summer enjoying time with our three children (I supported this). But has now declared he doesn’t want to go back into finance and spends his time coming up increasingly far fetched ‘business ideas’.

I am trying to be supportive but it looks like my own dreams of taking sometime off or slowing down to be with our 3 children is completely unattainable now.

Has anyone been in my situation? How did it work out? I think it would be different if he had a concrete plan to retrain in another industry, but it just seems like he spends his time grasping at straws.

It might sound harsh but I'm pretty sure opinions would be different it it would be you dreaming about some small side business and staying more at home with kids.
We were at this stage with my ex husband- he was burned out at his job, I was main earner for 7 months. We both sat down, counted everything on spreadsheets and both went part time. Less money but we were definitely happier- more time for kids, home, no stress when they're sick,etc.

I think you may need to accept that, after redundancy in his mid forties, he may not get a senior job again. He may not even work as an employee ever again. The post by @Bootsorflipflops upthread was horrifying…

But he was presumably there while three children were being conceived so he certainly still has a responsibility to work to support them.

What about moving to a tourist area and running a small hotel or holiday lettings?

Unfortunately, THAT has gone a long time ago.
Am glad to be out of this game. 😊

Seems like he beat you to the punch @Lostjobstuff? Is he just taking the step back that you would otherwise, how annoyed can you be with that really. Unless I've misunderstood and you meant dropping your hours, not taking a career break?

I was made redundant earlier this year and had enough money that, if I'd had a small business idea, I probably could have finally looked at pursuing it. (One of my former colleagues went back into acting, as he now had the financial freedom to see how that worked out for at least a year.) I knew from the off, though, that a) I did not have any concrete ideas b) I am not a person who would be very good at working for myself.

The thing is, the job market is so crap and dispiriting that I really wished I could take control and find something I had the power to do myself. Do you think this is where this is coming from? I had lots of mad, fleeting ideas about retraining into various things until I looked into it for about five minutes and realised they were a no-go.

I will say that the experience of redundancy after a long time in my role - it was quite a niche one as well which was why many of us hadn't moved on before then - made me really depressed, the lack of routine and the surprise made it hard for me to cope, and DH started to resent what he saw as someone being at home all day and not doing anything to either help themselves or keep the place in good order. And then I'd feel worse because I was too useless to even go for a walk or fill the dishwasher etc.

My SIL did this retired early and started her own consultancy, none of the stress of her high powered job and earning just about the same working from home when she wants to.

I know three people who have successfully started a profitable business. One spent years (I mean literally about 10 years) doing it alongside a full time job until it was finally making enough money for him to resign as an employee and work full time on his business. One managed it third time around (ie after two previous failed attempts which involved declaring himself bankrupt). Only one seems to have done it relatively easily (although I'm sure it was still hard work). It's not a straightforward option!

God not another one who doesnt want to work or support his family and has no idea how to run a business.
Ive run a chiropody business its relentless hard work and Ive gone back to the NHS because a monthly salary and no responsibility is a relief.
I worked 7 days a week before.
Beware. If you terate this bullshit he will never go back to work.

Very wrong or as you would say super wrong.

In case it helps, this is my experience.

My DH was a high earner (investment work) who was made redundant last year after his boss messed something up so had to make several senior staff redundant. It was tough; I had to up my hours and as I don’t earn anywhere near an investor’s salary, we had to tighten our belts. Luckily we have savings, but it was stressful and still feels it sometimes. I understand your sadness at not being able to spend more time with your kids, but at least one person is always going to draw the short straw in that front, just make the time you do spend with them count.

Looking back, I should probably have gone a little easier on DH re: job searching because it was actually a huge shock and dented his confidence. (I have since apologised.) But don’t underestimate that your DH may feel bruised by the redundancy and may need a bit of sympathy and support too. Especially if he is around 50, when it is getting harder to get work.

What got us through that period was being very clear with each other about roles and plans. My DH and I agreed that he would have a year to try to set up a consultancy business, but would keep his name on the books of recruiters. If the business doesn’t work out, then at least he won’t have a big gap on his CV. We also agreed that since I was stepping up with work, he would take over most of the house stuff. So he did all the shopping, cooking and school runs etc.

It is working so far and he has bagged some high paying consultancy work. I hope the business works out. But even before he started getting the work, we discussed it and he showed me it was real and that he was making progress (setting up a company, sorting out insurance etc), so I didn’t worry his plans were idle fantasies. That might be something you need to discuss with your husband.

But as well as communicating about that, what helped was that it was and is very clear to me that DH’s focus is on ensuring the best for the family. I know that if things don’t work out he will take a job, even if below his previous seniority or wage, for the sake of our family. You need to be sure your DH will do the same.

Could he work part time in a steady income job then also work on his business part time?

Is it possible that your cousin and his partner just carried on living as if he still had his old job, including paying a very high mortgage, having expensive holidays, eating out, etc etc and as he has failed to make any money from his supposed new business all their savings, including his redundancy payment, have just been spent? Terrifying if so. Do they have any money left to buy a new smaller or less expensive place to live?

A lot of good advice on this thread, OP. Good luck.

What annoys me about people like this is the timescale. Just do it stop talking about it so if it fails you’ve got enough money for a recovery plan and get back to work. He’s going to do it anyway so get on with it. Do it, fail and get a job. It’s December now he could of quite easily started a buisness by now, failed and got a job by now or succeeded and be bringing in an income. It’s all the procrastination and talking that wastes the savings. Why can’t he get a job and start it in his own time. It’s what the rest of us had to do. I was working in a school for a good year before I could quit. It provided a good income and a show I was trustworthy with a full dbs check. Working there was invaluable for me. Tell him to get off his arse. A business is hard work.

Please take your antediluvian views back to the 1950s where they belong.

What's good for the goose, etc!

So why don't people advise OP that she should step up and earn?

We've had at least two of these 'bloke loses job, then decides he wants to prat about with daft business ideas' threads recently.

Is it an internet contagion thing?

No, its a daft bloke thing.

We are probably a year behind you in that my husband is senior in finance and expects to be let go Q1 next year. He has told me that he will struggle to find a similar salary/role in the current market with his expertise. He has met with recruiters, no one is looking to hire at his level. I’ve managed to find a better paid role for myself (different sector) and returning to full paid work. I’m hoping he comes up with a hare brained scheme and successfully pulls it off (what more can we do?!).

You need to tell him that while it’s been lovely, he needs employment asap as you are still very much wanting your turn before X date. Business plan can run concurrently or afterwards. You need him employed ready for your time off with the children.

Hi @Lostjobstuff I know the thread has moved on a bit, but just thought I'd share my experience of this in case it helps. My husband decided to change career about 5 years ago, from a manual labour job/ trade to office work. He was as senior as he could be in his old job without taking on the business himself, so took a big pay cut into I think more or less entry level in his new job. I was quite anxious about it tbh, as he was always the main earner. But it has worked out really well for us. He's now earning much more than he was in his old job, as well as working fewer hours and it's obv far less physically demanding and there is better career progression too if he wanted to do that in the future. And the work is more meaningful to him too.

It doesn't necessarily sound like your husband has a clear sense of direction never mind a secure alternative job/ career lined up - so I do see the differences - but if it gives you any peace of mind to know, my husband's career change has been really good for us as a family, including financially in the long run.

Re. your own hope to take a step back from work, fwiw, my view is that you should have first refusal of the back seat, career-wise. Motherhood is known to damage women's careers. My husband agrees entirely btw. He is completely in support of me being a SAHM if I want, and wouldn't consider wanting "his turn". Maybe once he's taken his turn at growing a few babies, we can have that conversation...

A break from work, yes. I felt refreshed in my career when I returned.

Exactly. It still seems there's double standards, as in it's acceptable for a woman to want to be with the kids/make less money, but not for men. Obviously each couple needs to agree what they need, and who is working which hours etc. In some families, that might mean one can take time out from earning, but not in all.

But shouldn't it be acceptable for women to want to be with the kids, since she made them? And to make less money, since she'd have to work harder/ be better than her male counterpart at work to make the same money (even before having babies?) Obv while OP's husband has no job, she needs to work to bring in money, but I don't know that he has equal rights to taking a step back from paid work.

I simply don't see this. That's not to say it doesn't happen but we're all shaped by our own experiences right?

My husband and I made the baby. We agreed. Yes I carried it but he would if he could. I'm not going to hold his lack of a womb against him.

In a professional environment, the women are broadly the more senior within the business of which I work.

I'm a firm believer that you should work as if your husband could drop dead tomorrow and leave you nothing. You're responsible for your own happiness.