DH Lost Job

[Lostjobstuff]

Looking for some help/support/advice from people who have gone through similar.

DH lost job I March. Was high up in a finance organization. Spent the summer enjoying time with our three children (I supported this). But has now declared he doesn’t want to go back into finance and spends his time coming up increasingly far fetched ‘business ideas’.

I am trying to be supportive but it looks like my own dreams of taking sometime off or slowing down to be with our 3 children is completely unattainable now.

Has anyone been in my situation? How did it work out? I think it would be different if he had a concrete plan to retrain in another industry, but it just seems like he spends his time grasping at straws.

OP, my DH had a crisis point in his senior job. He sat me down and explained the toll it is was taking on his health.We worked out what we needed to bring in etc. We agreed he’d negotiate an exit package whilst I would continue to work full time.
He then set up his own consultancy which didnt bring in the same amount of money but was enough.We then mutually agreed I’d go for a promotion which meant he could continue to grow the business.

My point is we were in it together ,made decisions together etc. That’s the only way it can work.

@Fluffymoocher actually I live in a country that doesn’t have great mat leave and one of those pregnancies was twins. So no I haven’t had three long breaks.

i posted looking for advice and support. Thanks to those who posted in earnest. Will bow out now as this seems to have turned into a bun fight about who should be ‘the provider’

Please don't feel you have to leave your own thread.

What are his business ideas? Unless they involve setting up an accountancy business or similar, I would tell that you do not want to be the sole working person and he needs to get a job.

I have seen so many of these posts over the years, where the husband looses his high stress job and then decides he wants to set up his own business. The fantasy of less stress and 'working for yourself' is powerful, but it is a fantasy.

Setting up your own business and making it work in reality is also hard work and stressful. And to be honest if he hasn't got a concrete plan, including a solid, researched idea and real business plans, then all he is going to is fritter away your savings and get nowhere, while playing Disney Dad at home.

Secure your share of the savings before he starts on the ' i need a fancy laptop and an office phase' of his fantasy, or the 'I'm still working out my plans but really just faffing about' phase and spends it all. Give him a deadline for when he either has to have a written business plan he has gone though with a business advisor/coach OR an updated cv with the agencies and then a job. Weeks not months.

Tell him the alternative is the end of the marriage and mean it. Otherwise your own plans are up in smoke and you have 4 kids, not 3.

I am so sorry. My husband lost his finance job almost four years ago now and he hasn’t worked a day since. Took some time out at first… fine, we had savings. Then started to imply he didn’t want to return to finance so I encouraged him wholeheartedly to retrain or decide what he DID want to do, whilst I returned to work (had been a SAHM for a few years at the time). He said he was job hunting. He said he was looking into his options. He said he couldn’t step up with the kids or mental load as “looking for work is a full time job”. I was an absolute idiot, and just let him get on with it, thinking things would improve, but of course they didn’t.

Then he started a band and spent two years investing his entire life into that, at the detriment of all else. The band is not even good, and he has spent thousands of pounds on it and earned nothing.

There’s a lot more to it of course, but ultimately it’s so clear now that he isn’t willing to work again. I’ve separated from him, he is living elsewhere and I am working my own ass off for my kids’ sake now, but I know they will not have the future I always imagined for them anymore. I need to start the divorce process, so that’s my next step.

I wish you all the best and am here if you need any advice - I can tell you a lot about what I SHOULD have done earlier on in this shit show!

When the kids were small l was part time and DP was full time, then he lost his job and needed a shoulder replacement so we basically swapped roles, l went full time and he went part time. It works for us - the money coming in doesn't change much but it takes the pressure off him, and l like my job. He was breaking his back when they were small so he deserves some downtime now.
This isn't quite your situation, though - are you currently funding everthing? That's not fair or sustainable ...

@Sidebeforeself very helpful. How did you know his consultancy would work out? Did he have specialized knowledge? Specific contacts? It just seems like one man consultancies in his industry are a dime a dozen.

I think you need to have a frank conversation about his expectations around family life and compromises that will need to be made if his earnings are significantly reduced.

Self employment often involves working longer hours, particularly in the early years, with erratic income. Yes it can be flexible around childcare, but is he prepared for late nights to make up for it?

Is your mortgage paid? Do you go on family holidays? Are your bills etc affordable with his reduced/no income? Is he prepared to downsize or reduce his standard of living in line with a lower budget? Or living to a budget?!

I think it is unreasonable to expect him to be the one to work the longer hours completely whilst you take a step back, if he isn't happy in that career. If you can take a step back, it is more equal to allow him to as well as long as adjustments can be made. However, he needs to seriously discuss his plans, have a business plan, not fly away ideas that he dabbles in. He needs to have a period of time he tries things out with a goal at the end to ensure it is successful (or not).

There has to be family decisions. Not one way ones with no discussions. He can't just expect you to take on the extra load without even talking to you about it.

I suspect if it is clearly outlined what he can no longer afford to do without the salary he had, he might have a change of heart. With savings, you can at least look at what is an affordable period of time for him to have off work, retrain, or starting a business. But the savings will only last so long, so you can work out how much time he has and at what stage he needs to be earning, and at what level of income he needs to be at to maintain the standard of living you both want. Then he has some freedom to look at what he wants, but a clear timeline on when he needs to be contributing financially again

If he is serious why dont you look at and propose a wholesale change. Eg downsize and move to the country

Ie. Sell up move get somewhere mortgage free
Live a Simpler life
You get some kind of local (or lower paying low stress) job...
He gets to pursue he "business"

see what he says... if he want to go on a big jolly while you hold everything down thsts not cool.
But if he wants a wholesale change and so do you its worth thinking about no?

We didnt know for sure - but we knew we could afford to cover bills on my wage alone,although our lives would change significantly. He did use his contacts but also knew there was a demand for his services. But the crucial thing was he wasn’t doing it with the aim of being a millionaire - he just wanted better mental health and to help maintain our standard of living. We were content with “enough” if you see what I mean.
However, he’s still had to work very hard.

I saw this alot, people would be made redundant and then see this as an opportunity to follow their dreams. Out of maybe 50 people, 1 actually set up their own business or maybe change career. The rest ended up back in their old careers.

Maybe a career coach would help. This person would hold them to account and focus their efforts. You wouldn't be nagging them either it would be someone else. I found this invaluable - a good one will.offer a package which will cover them for some testing and regular check ins. If they are going to attract funding etc, they'll need to brush up.on their CV anyway to attract people to their business. If they are simply contracting or doing interim, they need to apply and network. Contracting is a good way to test out other companies, to see the culture that works for them.

Maternity leave is a break is it?
Wow.

@Bootsorflipflops thanks for sharing. You have encapsulated where I am worried this is headed. I just don’t know what I can do to head this off at the pass. But will take your and other posters advice. I think a hard talk about expectations is needed

Could you downsize or move somewhere cheaper or cut costs another way so you can both have what you want? Or is it case of only just covering the bills?

@FookFookFook its a good question. I think we will move and downsize. That being said, I still want to move to an area with good schools for the kids (primary age). So I feel like I need him to have some understanding that this can’t go on forever

my husband did this - did his own consultancy work for 14 years after being in banking (he is very niche tho) - i climbed the corporate ladder and travelled alot with work. Last year he decided the kids we old enough and he sought full time work again so got a job, and i swapped jobs, took a massive pay but but im happier for it.

Being off work is in fact a break from work, yes.

In your heart you know that this is the key element- he needs a concrete plan and an 'in'- a unique idea or selling point, or a set of contacts, or evidence that the market is big enough for an additional consultant etc.

Maybe he could sign up with an agency to work as a contractor first, to see what work is out there? Approach the other one man bands and see if they have any work they need help with? Approach potential customers and get their views?

I think talking to a business coach might be money well spent.

Good luck. Went through something similar and OH is now settled in job where he is valued and happy, but I had to redo his CV myself, and get a bit stubborn to get him moving, against quite a bit of resistance.

Don't underestimate effects of stress. I was sacked from a high powered job and now work at a lower level (accountant). We can manage on less money and I sleep well.

Think in terms of the next available job being good enough for now, rather than a permanent reduction in DHs "value/status"

It sounds like you need to sit down together and forecast how long your current life could be sustained on your income and previous savings. If you are already topping expenses by savings you either both need to be happy with the cuts that would need to happen or he needs to start bringing in an income of sorts!

They also provide for their families and generally end up shouldering the majority of the domestic and childcare burden too, together with the mental load.

@Paganpentacle it’s not chaos or doom and gloom for everyone, my friend became super depressed to come back to work post mat leave and said it was the happiest time ever for her, essentially just looking after the baby and hanging out with mum groups and going for walks. For her it was certainly a break.

Grown ass man sounds much better than grown arse man.

But let's be honest - both sound ridiculous

Some personal experience here.

Husband lost his job but fortunately was offered another within the same industry. It did transpire he was overpaid in the previous company (handed in notice and they bribed him to stay) so he went from early six figs to about £60k which reflects the market.

Unfortunately there wasn't much scope for him to get back to the previous package based on the above and the industry.

Fortunately I have always worked, and continued to do so. I had to work on the progression he no longer had and we're much happier for it.

I've known someone else who left their husband because he lost his job and couldn't sustain her lifestyle. Put it this way she lives with her parents now and he has custody.

I think you get out of life what you put in based on the circumstances. In this circumstance your dream to step back isn't going to happen and you need to make peace with that.