DH Lost Job

[Lostjobstuff]

Looking for some help/support/advice from people who have gone through similar.

DH lost job I March. Was high up in a finance organization. Spent the summer enjoying time with our three children (I supported this). But has now declared he doesn’t want to go back into finance and spends his time coming up increasingly far fetched ‘business ideas’.

I am trying to be supportive but it looks like my own dreams of taking sometime off or slowing down to be with our 3 children is completely unattainable now.

Has anyone been in my situation? How did it work out? I think it would be different if he had a concrete plan to retrain in another industry, but it just seems like he spends his time grasping at straws.

I wonder whether social media has played a role in this increasing phenomenon of people thinking they can just start up a business of some sort and make money without the “daily grind” of full time work. In reality, of course, this is incredibly difficult to do.

Are any of his business ideas seeming worthwhile / is he passionate and dedicated to any of them? Or just jumping from one thing to the next?

I was in a similar situation about 2 years ago - if useful, here's how it played out for us (me + partner, + DD5)..

Partner lost well paid job as senior developer through redundancy. Job market was abysmal, job hunting amd constant ghosting/rejection was making him v depressed. To keep the depression at bay he started 'showing up' to work each day (our home office) to work on projects or business ideas he had. One really started to hold his attention, and he was taking it really seriously.

Throughout this time we both instigated discussions about finances, how long my salary + savings would last, whether he could stop job hunting and dedicate time to the business idea instead, how much i could help with said business idea, whether i could increase my work hours, what expensises we'd be willing to cut, how much of our savings we were willing to burn through etc etc etc. These were not always the easiest conversations but we were always well aware of how long we had before it was crunch time and he needed to get a job (any job) again.

He took out a business loan and built a software product and launched his business. He took a minimum wage from the business loan. He took odd jobs gardening for extra cash. He attended networking events several times a week, he worked during evening and some nights and weekends so we could cut down on childcare costs. He really put a lot into the business.

3 months ago we came to the crunch point! After a year, the business loan had run out. He only had two companies paying for his software. He started applying for jobs again, both in software and ANYTHING else he could think of, bar work, factory assembly lines, anything that would get us through money wise.

Luckily he got a software job. His business is on pause.

It'll take another 6 months for our savings to recover. More than that to pay off the business loan.

In all of our discussions, the changes to our previous plans were always talked about. It meant no longer moving abroad as we had planned, it meant a change to full time for me (which was never the plan while my daughter was young). The pay-offs were always discussed. The length of time I was willing to scrimp and scrape was made clear.

It was a risk we went into together. It has led to opportunities and work, though the business itself hasn't worked out (yet?).

Now he's working again we've discussed reducing my hours again. We've re-evaluated moving abroad.

I guess my point in relaying what happened for us is that its something we went into together. We both sacrificed some of the things we wanted in order to take a risk and have him try at this business for a year. He understood the limit of what we could do financially and how long I was willing to support for, and we're continuing to evaluate our goals and adjust towards those now.

Obviously you'll have different goals and priorities and finances so I recommend a good honest discussion about what you're willing to risk/put on pause while he pursues a business idea, how much support you're willing/able to give, and when the cut off on that support needs to be!

I would say that if you are both feeling like you want to step back from the high pressure roles then you should start exploring how you can make that happen for both of you. That might mean downsizing your house, less holidays, scaling back on whatever you spend your income on, but it might be that as a family that is something that you are happy to do for a better work life balance.

It shouldn't be about one or the other of you getting to live your dream, but should be about being pragmatic and working out what is really important to you as a family and how you can achieve that together.

I think I'd have to be firm on this. Get a job, pull your weight. If you don't, I'm divorcing you. This will not be the status quo. You have a family and I'm not willing to be the only earner. Pull your damn weight.

Only if they're idiots. My husband has always been the chef and the cleaner. I'd not tolerate a big imbalance

Agree that sitting down to discuss is essential. Sharing your worries for the future and how you're feeling about having the current financial responsibility of being the sole breadwinner. But also ask him how he's feeling and properly listen. Is he in denial that actually he might have to go back to what he did before and at a lower level of seniority and salary? That can be hard to accept. Is he being realistic eg building into his plans that things might not work out with his business ideas? I'd want to make clear that I would support him but what the limits are. Eg agree a time frame and a cost limit and what actions he will take if its not worked out by then. If you wait until you've had enough it is then so easy to say 'just another few months/ thousands of pounds'. Also there are downsides to working for yourself that you'll need to both think about. Never switching off. Your home becoming an office. Unpaid holidays and sickness. He'd need insurance for that if you rely on his income. And will it impact you/ the kids. Eg if it's a joh outside the home (like a trade) does that mean that everything kid related (sickness, appointments, school activities) becomes your responsibility? How will he retain flexibility.

Redundancy isn't nice and it may be ok to take some time out to come to terms with things but financial planning and lifestyle decisions (particularly where it affects the kids eg how much time ans money is available from both parents for them) should be made jointly, not by one person and then the other person automatically takes up the slack.

My husband could had had much better paid jobs if he had travelled a lot more but we made the decision together not to do that. It would have been very difficult if he'd just decided to do that and left me to pick up the slack. But when we were considering it, it was him that was researching for example the cost of employing nannies to cover his share of child related things. And that's what your husband should be doing - communicating about his thoughts, acknowledging that his decisions will have an impact on you (eg mortgages will be much harder to get, if you were thinking of moving or extending) and working out how to mitigate those impacts and deciding together if the impacts are worth it as a family

Good luck

I'd say it's a good time to evaluate your priorities, as a family. Dh and I decided, three years ago, that the stress of work just wasn't worth the time away from home for the money it brought in. We sold up and moved and now we both work small part time jobs (no, we don't clam benefits).
Not for everyone, of course (my mother is still horrified), but we realised we just were not interested in the fancy house and buying 'stuff'. I'd have a conversation about the sort of lifestyle you both want and the income needed to achieve it, and then come to an arrangement over how it will be earnt.

He needs to get a new job asap and work on the business plan on the side. The longer he is out of work the harder it will be to get back in.

Does he have any experience of running his own business? Or an MBA?

I took on full time earning for what was intended to be a three month break for my husband. He just went back to work three years later. There were a lot of mental health difficulties so tbh I didn't do anything. We cut back, but we're able to live on my income. I definitely grew to resent it because every conversation was just about his feelings and his problems. At one point he said he didn't want to apply for jobs he wouldn't want to do, as if applying for something and maybe getting interview practice was the same thing as getting the job. It all had to be perfect , while I was missing the kids and working very long hours in a very dull but lucrative rile. After a while I gave up talking about it. Eventually he just got too lonely and sad about lack of money, so he networked with his former colleagues and got a job within a month. Which was actually a bit galling!

I would definitely have a serious conversation about what you are willing to accept and what you are not. Make sure that he is willing to take other work if the business doesn’t work out and have a timescale in mind for this. Offer full support for anything that you think will work for your family and better ALL of your futures, but be clear that you will NOT be able to support anything else. And mean it.

I think my ex felt I would never leave the marriage so he could do what he wanted. I even said to him at one point that I was only staying with him for the kids’ sake. So that gave him license to continue, thinking I would carry on no matter what, just to keep us together.

After a particular incident it finally became clear to me that the kids were actually suffering as a result of his behaviour, and were not better off with him under our roof, but quite the opposite. That it did them no good to wake up daily to see a Dad who was contributing absolutely nothing to our lives. It took me far too long to see it though.

hopefully it is different for you. Is he stepping up in other areas to make up for not working? Is your life easier with him out of work, so that you can focus more of your own time and energy into your work? Or has everything carried on as normal and he is now just a free agent with his time when he should be working? That’s the difference I think.

Me and my kids are doing so much better now and am feeling more hopeful for a future, although it doesn’t look how I thought it would.

Just wanted to thank everyone for the helpful responses. Someone mentioned glossy social media and I think that does play a part so it’s refreshing to hear actual balanced experiences.

I do think we need to have more honest conversations and I need to stop thinking in terms of his dreams vs. my dreams.

People have given you great advice on the practical side of things, OP, I wanted to weigh in on the expectations side. Often when people are trying to avoid getting back into a stresful job, they don't think about the changes they are going to have to make in their lives overall. Myself and my DH were living quite a stressful lifestyle when our kids were young and we decided to change it. For us, this meant moving country to a cheaper housing market but in a place that had more job opportunies than were we were living (Dublin to Bath). A vastly reduced mortgage meant we could really change the way we were living and my DH's career took off, while I went part time as a writer earning very little and looked after the kids full time. We have never regretted our decision but it was a huge upheaval. Often, wanting to keep the same lifestyle and stay in the same place while having less stress in your working life just isn't possible unless your overheads are so low you are saving the equivalent of a decent salary every month. I think you really need to discuss what life is going to look like to achieve a low stress life (which I don't think is an unreasonable want, btw). As others have pointed out, self employment is NOT low stress nor is running a business. It also takes a particular mentality that not everyone has. There is a LOT to discuss and if he refuses, just waves you away with vague notions of setting up a business and that the money will come flowing in, that would be a red flag for me!

Everything else.

No thanks.

Can you genuinely not see the difference between taking a few months off work to recover from childbirth and care for a newborn (including a set of twins in the OP's case!), and taking time out of your career so you can slow down and enjoy time with older children?

My husband lost his job in March 2020, he’s a tradesman rather than a rich financial person. He started up as self employed in the same trade immediately. It was a terrible time to start out but he weathered it. Almost 7 years on he’s still self employed and busy. He earns less and is more stressed but I’m very proud of how hard he works and how happy his customers are. He’s a grafter, no business plan but is good at what he does.

Women are equal to men. What's wrong with the OP providing while her DH stays at home with the children?

Eeek, I've just watched my cousin waste the best part of £400k (all their savings) setting up his own consultancy business after being made redundant, only for it to fail.

If he had even taken a minimum wage role, he and his wife would still have their savings and home but no, everyone pandered to his ego and he squandered it away.

Some men are totally driven by delusion and pride, they think they are top business professionals and as such they couldn't possibly be seen travelling economy or driving a Kia.

In your situation I'd sit him down, tell him you will fully support his plans for starting a business but starting small, as a "hustle" and building from there. Whilst he is also in paid employment.

Children can't provide for themselves. The adults who are their parents or carers have a responsibility to do that.

Obviously.

DH and I run our own business with 6 staff and honestly OP it's not a low stress life whatsoever. DH is now 62 and seriously considering an early retirement because there is little enjoyment in doing what we do anymore with the economic climate here in the UK. You never switch off/relax from it.

I would encourage him to think about retraining if he wants but he takes on the grunt of the family mental load/housework while you're working to support you all. It will only work if you are both happy with the arrangements.

God knows, but I suspect "networking" and entertaining prospective clients.
Oh the irony of him thinking he could advise anyone. 😢.

He only wants what you want, less pressure and more time with his kids.

The compromise is you massively scale back your expenses, downsize your house, and each work 3 or 4 days a week. But in an actual job, not a pretend business. If he’s serious about his business he can work on it on his days off.

That seems like a nice life for both of you, and for the kids too, who will get to see more of both their parents.