DH Lost Job

[Lostjobstuff]

Looking for some help/support/advice from people who have gone through similar.

DH lost job I March. Was high up in a finance organization. Spent the summer enjoying time with our three children (I supported this). But has now declared he doesn’t want to go back into finance and spends his time coming up increasingly far fetched ‘business ideas’.

I am trying to be supportive but it looks like my own dreams of taking sometime off or slowing down to be with our 3 children is completely unattainable now.

Has anyone been in my situation? How did it work out? I think it would be different if he had a concrete plan to retrain in another industry, but it just seems like he spends his time grasping at straws.

It sounds like you'll both need to work part-time or in less demanding jobs if neither of you is willing to continue in a high-pressure role to allow the other to step back. You'll probably need to scale back your lifestyle quite significantly, but you may find that much of it isn't worth the work stress and time spent away from your children.

In the meantime, I doubt he's putting full-time hours into the business, so he needs to find a (less demanding) job and work on the business alongside it while you make longer-term plans. That's assuming the business is a genuine, viable ambition rather than a way of avoiding discussions about getting a job.

He can't unilaterally decide to deplete your joint savings and make you the sole breadwinner without any prior discussion or agreement. It sounds like you've wanted to step back from work for some time and didn't simply announce that you were stopping work and expect him to accept it. You discussed it and made longer-term plans that he agreed to. He should extend you the same consideration and respect.

Out of interest, has he taken on the majority of the household responsibilities since he stopped working?

Should be obvious but given the replies on this thread, it seems its not obvious to many.

Men who have children should provide for them.

Parents who have children have responsibilities to them.

@Lostjobstuff have you both contributed to the savings? If he plans to live off them then a plan is definitely needed for how long etc. And a discussion about how do your needs get met (whether that is setting a time limit and keeping back half the savings for you to step down when he gets a new thing going, whatever that looks like). Or otherwise he needs to be realistic and get a more mundane job but make some contribution

Sorry, I don’t have any good advice but just wanted to say I could have written this. In an eerily similar position with my DH. His job was super stressful and I fully supported him taking some time out and using it to figure out a new path. I don’t care what he does as long as, between us, we can pay the bills. I’m currently on mat leave, so no prospect of me increasing our earnings at the moment, although I did manage to get a promotion before I went off, but it’s still not nearly enough. Just took on a whopping mortgage about 6 months before it all came to a head with his job. We had discussed him finding something to go back to in the new year, but that is fast approaching and as far as I can tell he has done absolutely nothing in the time he’s had off to figure out what next. Savings are dwindling and I’m nervous…

I never said it was chaos/doom or gloom- not sure where you got that from.
But its no 'break' having a young baby- certainly not for everyone.

DH setup as a freelance consultant in quite a niche industry, but he's unusually knowledgeable even within the industry and he has to work horrendous hours to get the work done and stay on top of the game in order to win contracts. Most years the capital outlay is an upgrade the software on his laptop, and few specialist technical manuals. He bought a desk after 5 years when we moved home and he finally got his own study.
He does schedule some flexibility in and do school runs, family mealtime, DC's bath-time and so on, but that comes at the expense of frequently working late into the night to make up the time, plus all the admin of running his own business rather than just focussing on the core deliverables, which is what he's be doing if he was employed by someone else. Not to mention late-paying clients.
Anyone going into a start-up thinking it will be less stress than their previous paid employment is being a bit naive. It's stress of a different kind.

It not just about him and what he wants. The reality is that he is married and has 3 children. At the moment your working full time in a stressful job and he is not working. You have some savings and my feeling he wants this money to set up his new business.
He can't have the family savings to swan around, saying he is looking for opportunities and expecting you to do it all.
Are you currently using savings to keep the bills paid? Has he received redundancy?

I would say to him that your current mortgage, food bill, house hold bill cost this much each month and you need money there to replace say the washing machine ect. Also he needs to be aware that your expenses will get bigger as the kids get older.
Tell your husband he needs to get a job even part time to bring in income and he may have to look for a lesser role than he had previously. Let him set up his business on the side.
I would also take out your share of the savings and put this in a high interest account in your name only. You don't want to end up losing what savings you have to fund a business. Also at the moment the economy is not in a good shape and even established business are finding it hard going at the moment.

@Bootsorflipflops
this is the stuff of nightmares 😵‍💫😵‍💫

Poor you and your poor children!!!

He needs to step up and contribute so you are both equally contributing or equally stepping back, or discuss how much time he plans to take off and perhaps you take similar amount of time down the road.

We were in a similar position except dh wasn't in a high up position. He was in insurance/pensions and he hated it. I wasn't happy but as he was depressed at the time I didn't feel that I could put pressure on him. After about a year he decided to do a degree in social care and he now has a job in that sector, wages a little better than previously. It was tough for a few years but he is very happy now and we are doing fine.

Terrifying! We spent 150k on ours but we have a freehold building to sell.

For 400k id be wanting a going concern accountancy business generating at least 40k net profit on top of paying wages etc

A good friend of mine had a very very similar thing happen. She told him, after he had faffed about for 9 solid months, that she was at risk of redundancy. He went back to work sharpish and she made it through the redundancy danger.....

No it doesn't, we're old enough not to need euphanisms!

I had a couple of experiences of this.

Man A: left his job to pursue a PhD with the view of changing careers. Had grandiose plans to finish it in two years. Obviously, it ended up being quite a bit more involved than he anticipated. For the first two years I was very supportive and basically took control of all financial management to make sure we could pay the bills. This meant cutting back significantly even in most basic of things like food and heating and relocating somewhere where we could live relatively cheaply. For the first years he was still doing odd bits of work to patch the holes in the budget but this quickly stopped so that he could "focus on his studies". I clearly made him far more comfortable making do with very little because he eventually announced that his ultimate aim is to "work as little as possible". Having looked at what my life is likely to be going forward, I left after 6 years.

Man B: lost his job unexpectedly. Wanted to take an opportunity to transition into a career which was slightly more niche but in which he had experience through volunteering and was very passionate about. Got a job two weeks after his previous contract ended but it left him with a slight gap in employment. He rang around mates and got ad hock jobs doing everything and anything going - retail temp work, laborer on a building site, delivery driver...

Massive difference in work and relationship ethics. One man was happy for me to pick up the slack (which is absolutely fine if it didn't turn out to be a permanent arrangement) and another was shielding me from any stress except for asking for some emotional support in the transition stage. And while I don't believe that a man should work himself into the ground "providing" for his family, I don't believe in women doing the same either.

As to running a business... it is hardly a walk in the park. My friends are running a very successful business and were able to retire from running it in person in their mid 40s; however, they did not have a single day off or a holiday in the first 7 years of setting it up and their kids grew up with a series of nannies. Which, again, isn't something I have a problem with in theory but clearly isn't what your husband is envisioning either.

Mine also lost his job and tried to retrain and do other things but it didnt work out and in the end I just decided to take the opportunity to go hell for leather into my career and DH be a stay at home dad and pick up everything home based.
I changed him as main contact with the school and now he gets all the school emails, which was a massive shock to his system… he was in absolute shock at how much he had to do and remember.
I actually recommend doing this as your DH will soon decide if he actually wants the responsibility or would rather take the easy road of finding another job
You have to relinquish the reigns and hand it all over… tbh I still have to do some supervising but ai try to be hands off and let him manage it all.. the washing, the homework, the projects, book day costumes, drs appointments, food shopping etc.
just say fine, all this stuff is now your job and I will focus on mine. I went out and got an office based job again and a higher salary and he does the home.
it’s actually worked out for us.

Because secretly, most posters agree with the "real men provide" poster, just to a lesser extent.

To answer people’s questions about household and mental load. To be fair to him he has taken all of that on.

that being said it still makes me resentful. Like the plan was for me to take that all on while taking a break. Now that he has lived that lifestyle seems like he enjoys being a stay at home parent.

fair enough to everyone who says we need to work together to both get what we want.

What is ass a euphemism for? Bum? Bottom?

I think I'd insist on him finding a job in his current sector and when he settles on one of his "ideas" he does it as a side hustle until it proves workable.

And welcome to 1958 🤣🤣🤣🤣