AIBU to think I'm not a terrible person for leaving my terminally ill partner?

[Averyverybadperson]

I've been in a relationship with a serial cheater for several years. Now, I've said it. I've never been particularly attractive to men, objectively speaking, and I've always struggled to find relationships, so I tend to cling to the few I've managed to have, even when I know really shouldn't. I know, very healthy.

I was the breadwinner in this relationship. I brought in roughly 5x and he has three children to pay maintenance for, so I covered pretty much all our living expenses.

In the last few weeks, two things happened in quick succession.

I discovered yet another affair. I've honestly lost count, but I think this was number six or seven. The other woman, or rather girl, as she's only 19, sent me photos and screenshots I desperately wish I could unsee. He'd told her he loved her and wanted to marry her immediately.

What made this one spectacularly bad for some reason was the financial on top of the physical and emotional cheating. It turned out he'd been paying her rent while I was paying all our expenses as he said he has some debts to pay off.

Then, within 2 weeks, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. It's a condition that will probably leave him severely disabled within a year and is likely to end his life within five. He is likely to have very significant care needs very soon.

I finally found it in myself to end the relationship and have given him until the new year to move out.

He's made a couple of social media posts about his diagnosis, ("sharing awareness" style) mentioning that I've ended the relationship but that he doesn't blame me, as he's about to become a "liability" and can't work anymore. He also made a point of saying that he'll be homeless from the New Year because I've asked him to move out.

I'm now the awful woman who abandoned a man as soon as he became seriously ill, leaving him with no place to live and no financial support.

To everyone else, he's this charming, kind, jovial man. And yes he genuinely can be all those things. But there's another side to him that they haven't had to live with.

Some of the things people have said to me have been absolutely vicious. I've never felt so hurt or so alone in my life.

I don't even know what my AIBU.

AIBU to think that ending a relationship after years of repeated infidelity doesn't suddenly make me a bad person just because he has become seriously ill at the same time?

Why don’t you defend yourself? The British are fundamentally the people of “mind my own business” and “drop the rope”. If you don’t tell anyone then I don’t think anyone is going to come asking. That’s not the culture we are. I’m saying this because I think being private in this case is you choosing for you to have no friends left.

if you never open up you never give people the opportunity be there for you.

Leave now. You've nothing to feel bad for.

Tell everyone what he's done. Don't make yourself the bad guy. It might be a bit humiliating but why are you covering for him?

I did respond to a few of those messages privately.

Some, however, I well just couldn't. For example, one of the most hurtful messages came from his teenage daughter, who found out about both his health and our separation through his post. Am I really supposed to respond by sending her screenshots of her father drooling over a woman who could easily be her college friend? Is that really the image of her father I want to leave her with?

Ah, this isn't a British story, sorry, I should have clarified. Many of the people involved come from a more conservative culture, where personal boundaries also tend to be respected less.

Why are you bothered what his daughter thinks? It's highly unlikely you will see her after he dies anyway. You have only been with this man a short time. You keep coming up with excuse after excuse not to call out his behaviour. Stop being a doormat.

You know perfectly well that I’m not talking about his teenaged daughter. I’m talking about the mutual friends you’re mourning the loss of.

When you responded to those messages, what did you say? Did you set the record straight? If not, then why not?

I wouldn’t send screenshots to anyone but if it comes to it remind him that you have them, and maybe show them (in person) to people who don’t believe you.

But don’t allow this man to get away with it. You can wish him well (because he’s ill) and put the truth out there to those who approach you, you can do both.

You don’t have to send screenshots in order to defend yourself. Couldn’t you say “After the 7th infidelity and finding out he had asked another woman to marry him and all after I had been paying all of our expenses so that he could pay the other woman’s rent, I am done. I am sorry for his health problems but it isn’t my business anymore”.

I wouldn't necessarily start with posting the screenshots, but instead just let people know the truth.

Defend yourself, see if he confirms or denies and lets people continue to abuse you.
If he's going to deny it and lets people continue to abuse you then you can later post some screenshots.

I think going to the group gossip is a very good idea. I understand there are cultural differences at play here but I think you need to work out which is worst - losing all your friends or speaking up in some way?

You also don't necessarily need to address what happened outright. You could say something along the lines of 'these situations tend to be more nuanced than they initially appear' or something along those lines? This would not be an unreasonable way to respond to his daughter too.