AIBU to think I'm not a terrible person for leaving my terminally ill partner?

[Averyverybadperson]

I've been in a relationship with a serial cheater for several years. Now, I've said it. I've never been particularly attractive to men, objectively speaking, and I've always struggled to find relationships, so I tend to cling to the few I've managed to have, even when I know really shouldn't. I know, very healthy.

I was the breadwinner in this relationship. I brought in roughly 5x and he has three children to pay maintenance for, so I covered pretty much all our living expenses.

In the last few weeks, two things happened in quick succession.

I discovered yet another affair. I've honestly lost count, but I think this was number six or seven. The other woman, or rather girl, as she's only 19, sent me photos and screenshots I desperately wish I could unsee. He'd told her he loved her and wanted to marry her immediately.

What made this one spectacularly bad for some reason was the financial on top of the physical and emotional cheating. It turned out he'd been paying her rent while I was paying all our expenses as he said he has some debts to pay off.

Then, within 2 weeks, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. It's a condition that will probably leave him severely disabled within a year and is likely to end his life within five. He is likely to have very significant care needs very soon.

I finally found it in myself to end the relationship and have given him until the new year to move out.

He's made a couple of social media posts about his diagnosis, ("sharing awareness" style) mentioning that I've ended the relationship but that he doesn't blame me, as he's about to become a "liability" and can't work anymore. He also made a point of saying that he'll be homeless from the New Year because I've asked him to move out.

I'm now the awful woman who abandoned a man as soon as he became seriously ill, leaving him with no place to live and no financial support.

To everyone else, he's this charming, kind, jovial man. And yes he genuinely can be all those things. But there's another side to him that they haven't had to live with.

Some of the things people have said to me have been absolutely vicious. I've never felt so hurt or so alone in my life.

I don't even know what my AIBU.

AIBU to think that ending a relationship after years of repeated infidelity doesn't suddenly make me a bad person just because he has become seriously ill at the same time?

Please listen to us all on here and don't be a martyr to this man @Averyverybadperson

Even rock solid marriages and relationships can break down due to the pressures of caring for terminally ill spouses and partners. In OP's case, her partner is an unrepentant and manipulative philanderer who is playing the martyr to turn all their mutual friends against her.

Depending on how hands-on the care that people expect OP to provide is, how on earth would it be reasonable to expect OP to help him go to the toilet or to change his adult nappies if he becomes incontinent? It's difficult enough to do this for someone you love dearly, never mind doing it for someone who has shown you nothing but disrespect and infidelity.

They aren't married and they have no children together. OP should just walk away and ignore the judgement of their mutual friends.

What a horrible situation to find yourself in OP.

Tell those close to you the whole truth, that he has been a serially cheating, freeloading, cocklodger who couldn't wait to to toss you aside. Then try not to worry about what random people who aren't close to you choose to believe.

For your parter the pigeons have well and truly come home to roost and this is not your problem any more.

You don't owe him anything. If we have learn't anything in recent years with public scandals it is that there is a difference between someones public face and their private life. Those who are your real friends will stick by you and if they don't then you will over time build a new circle around you with your new life going forwards. Wishing you well, one thing that is correct is the nice things he has said about you. You have been very brave to stay with him and you can use that same courage to rebuild your life without him 💝

That is exactly what I’d do. Short, factual, clear. Once you’ve posted it, I’m sure there will be some interesting conversations in the homes of your mutual friends.

People can show one face to the rest of the world, and a completely different one at home. You have nothing to feel bad about, because you're the one who has seen the ugly side of him for years.

Personally, if asked, I would tell the truth about what he is like at home.

Well, some of them overlapped rather than happening one after another. And I usually discovered several of them in bulk, rather than individually.

And this is exactly what I was thinking to myself this morning. I have absolutely no reason to believe he'd stand by me if I became seriously ill.

Perhaps I’m feeling a little cavalier today but FUCK THEM @Averyverybadperson, burn everything and walk away.

I really, really feel for you and all that you’ve been through.

Tbh, I’m not sure I would blow everything up, I don’t know if that would make me happy in your situation, I might just close the door. Whatever you do, I hope you are content and happy in the future.

Difficult situation for you, but of course YANBU. He can marry his 19 year old.

Give him a month. Get him out of your house before Christmas. This behaviour is totally unacceptable.

Why are you still allowing this man to make you the bad person? At this point it’s self flagellation to not clear up the actual facts. Just tell people.

I would tell everyone concerned that you discovered before his diagnosis that he is a physical, emotional and financial cheat and has been cheating you in all those ways for years, so you split up from him. Him being ill doesn’t change any of that or give him the right to expect you, rather than any of the many women he’s cheated on you with, to look after him.

Most of it was said to me privately, either in whatsapp messages from friends or in person. The comments under the post are mostly neutral supportive. He also posted a shorter, more professionally worded version on a work-related sm and tagged me. One of my colleagues saw it and came over to ask what was going on. She was actually quite nice and asked if there was anything she could do to help, but she's also the office gossip, so I'm not entirely sure how sincere she was.

This specific post has since been deleted, and I have no idea who else saw it.

I was supposed to meet two female friends this Sunday for a ticketed event we'd planned a few months ago. Both have now pulled out, citing emergencies at home. I can't prove it's connected, but can't help thinking it is.

Fuck that - I’d tell my friends, I’d show my close friends the messages and pix, I’d be so very angry after all the counselling and he’s gone straight out and done it again AND used your money to pay money to this virtual
child. She’s likely using him for your money, why else would a 19 year old look to a person who could be her grandfather

stuff him, one of his kids or ex wives / mistresses can look after him!

Of course you should break up with him he has used you in more ways than one and teeated you like complete crap. Its not your problem hes terminally unwell and will deteriorate soon enough (obviously I would be saying it very differently if he was a kind and loving partner). I would just be very clear with anyone giving abuse exactly why you have left him and asked him to leave. If people care so much maybe they can move him in with them and they can be his carers!

Well I must be a really bad person because I was very cheered to read your post and that you are leaving him.

You reap what you sow.

I would just tell anyone who badmouths you that after 7 affairs you had made your decision.

The people doing the badmouthing don’t matter though you’ll need to be strong and stick to your guns. It isn’t their business though.

Fuck being the bigger person here OP, he's slandering your name and reputation, knowing that he's a cheating scumbag! If I was you I would just post once telling him that you are in fact leaving him because he's been cheating on you with a teenager and if he has any self respect left he'll stop lying about you so you won't have to post the screen shots......

You know, the strange thing is that he was, or at least gave a very convincing impression of being, a kind and loving partner in so many ways. I don't know why it took me so long to recognise the inconsistencies, or why it took something as concrete and factual as discovering he was paying this girls rent for me to finally face the music. I suppose that's something to unpack in therapy.

You’ve given enough of yourself to him. You’ve nothing to lose setting the record straight on social media or privately to friends as you believe you’ve lost this friendship group anyway.

Good luck OP, you’re showing great strength and I wish you the very best. XX

Well you seem to have two choices here.

Don't tell people and you feel you may lose your entire friendship circle, so you will be single, friendless and end up with your self-esteem in tatters. I honestly don't think this will happen and be as bad as you think but this is also a case where if you believe something strongly enough, you can manifest it into being.

The other choice is to tell a couple of select people (the biggest gossips is not a bad suggestion!) and let the news percolate around work/social circle gradually. You may be a 7-day wonder but you will retain at least some (possibly all) your friends and certainly your peace of mind. I don't think you need to post screenshots on SM necessarily but showing a couple of selected ones to people you tell is enough to verify your story.

The fact that he is technically being nice about you online (whilst actually destroying your reputation) and also has MND or similar does make it tricky. I think if you then start posting about his infidelities you might end up looking bad. Also to be fair, my friend had MND and it is a very hard thing obviously to get your head around so he also behaved quite erratically at first - so his whole “I don’t want to be a burden on her” thing could be part of that.

so I think maybe you should just post something subtler like “X’s diagnosis is so devastating. I do want to clarify for the record that we separated for other reasons that are totally unconnected. His diagnosis played no part in this and was something we found out later. I will of course be there to support him as a friend. Those of you who know me know that I would never end a relationship with someone at their most vulnerable unless there were very clear reasons.”

or something similar

And this is probably exactly why your mutual friends will be buying into his narrative, and when faced with the same concrete and factual information as you, should hopefully recognise the reasonableness of your decision.
His words in the 'setting OP free' nonsense post completely falls apart in the face of his actions of paying him 19 year old affair partners rent, never mind all the other things.

Just post on his social media that of course you'll be there as a friend but had assumed that the 19 year old he has proposed to, and whose rent he's been paying, would be doing the honours as carer as his future wife.

Then leave the lying cheating tosser to his fate and move on..

From a purely practical point of view though, you say he got his diagnosis via your private health cover. Presumably that will stop now that you are no longer a couple? I also presume you were paying for that, rather than receiving it as a company benefit, as there are a few companies who will cover unmarried partners, certainly not of only 3.5 years standing. Is that going to cause issues for his treatment or can he now receive care via the NHS? Regardless of whether people believe you if you speak out and tell the truth, that is going to be tricky to navigate publicly if his treatment is affected.

You definitely need to tell your friends the truth, what an absolute Arsehole he is - ill or not!

Dont let him steal all your friends like he’s stolen 3 years of your life.

Good luck and well done for making this decision in such tricky circumstances - you sound lovely