AIBU to think I'm not a terrible person for leaving my terminally ill partner?

[Averyverybadperson]

I've been in a relationship with a serial cheater for several years. Now, I've said it. I've never been particularly attractive to men, objectively speaking, and I've always struggled to find relationships, so I tend to cling to the few I've managed to have, even when I know really shouldn't. I know, very healthy.

I was the breadwinner in this relationship. I brought in roughly 5x and he has three children to pay maintenance for, so I covered pretty much all our living expenses.

In the last few weeks, two things happened in quick succession.

I discovered yet another affair. I've honestly lost count, but I think this was number six or seven. The other woman, or rather girl, as she's only 19, sent me photos and screenshots I desperately wish I could unsee. He'd told her he loved her and wanted to marry her immediately.

What made this one spectacularly bad for some reason was the financial on top of the physical and emotional cheating. It turned out he'd been paying her rent while I was paying all our expenses as he said he has some debts to pay off.

Then, within 2 weeks, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. It's a condition that will probably leave him severely disabled within a year and is likely to end his life within five. He is likely to have very significant care needs very soon.

I finally found it in myself to end the relationship and have given him until the new year to move out.

He's made a couple of social media posts about his diagnosis, ("sharing awareness" style) mentioning that I've ended the relationship but that he doesn't blame me, as he's about to become a "liability" and can't work anymore. He also made a point of saying that he'll be homeless from the New Year because I've asked him to move out.

I'm now the awful woman who abandoned a man as soon as he became seriously ill, leaving him with no place to live and no financial support.

To everyone else, he's this charming, kind, jovial man. And yes he genuinely can be all those things. But there's another side to him that they haven't had to live with.

Some of the things people have said to me have been absolutely vicious. I've never felt so hurt or so alone in my life.

I don't even know what my AIBU.

AIBU to think that ending a relationship after years of repeated infidelity doesn't suddenly make me a bad person just because he has become seriously ill at the same time?

Tell everyone that he had moved on to a newer younger girlfriend.
I find people are quite happy to criticise others for things they wouldn’t do themselves, especially when it involves the care of others.

I would literally use this as my reply on his posts

I personally would correct anyone who spoke to me directly, but leave anything else public. Or say something factual once for the record.

Having seen someone I know die from terminal illness, its grim. I think you just need to let it go as kindly as possible. Nothing wrong with ending it. Caring for someone until their death is a true act of love and self sacrifice OP. Which he hasn't shown you.

Some might judge you for putting up with it for so long so you can't win. Stop playing any game to control the narrative.

Just show everyone the screenshots, I'm surprised you haven't kicked him out before this. Let the 19 year old have him if she wants him. Hold your head up and go forth into hopefully a new happy life without him. I wish you well x

I would put up a calm dignified post that says ‘as he was having an affair and planning to marry someone else o no longer feel the need to subsidise his housing . I wish him well health wise , I am sure you all understand’

Id stay quiet .Let ppl think what they want . You could spend your life justifing yourself op when the only person you have to justify yourself to us YOU . You know who you are and deserve more than this . Don't waste another minute live your life and hold yourself higher . And never ever settle for shitbags again .

Do this. They need to know. And you need support.

He is a manipulative abusive twat who is now trying to come out of it looking like the sensitive victim. He has narcissistic twat written through him like a piece of rock.

He has strung you along, de-valued you and de-humanised you. You owe him nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Of course you don’t want to be his carer. But that isn’t the reason you are leaving him. It’s because the relationship was a smoke screen. It was a convenience for him. He didn’t love you, not because you are nor worth loving, you are, but because he can’t love. Any behaviour that looks like love is projection.

Please, please, please, read It’s not you, by Dr Ramani. It’s in audible too. Watch her videos. Arm yourself with a clear view of narcissistic abuse. I’d bet A LOT of money he firs the picture.

Im so sorry you life has left you with such low self esteem. Now is your time to discover yourself. You are clearly intelligent and capable yo be earning 5 times the twat so focus on that. I’m sure your looks are better than you think they are, but your looks are the least interesting thing about you. What are your hopes? Put men to one side - what do you want your life look like? How do you want to be in the works. Assume a relationship isn’t for you (one might come along but for this exercise assume not) - what do you want life to look like in five years time?

Also I’m sorry that your therapist didn’t recognise abuse when she saw it. Training g needs to be better.

@Averyverybadperson
Look up covert narcissist

Witholding
Constant affairs
Ideaalising, devaluing then discarding is the cycle.
Charming to everyone else.
Never directly bad mouthing you. Underhand/sneakily sliding in subtle digs, so he still looks like the good guy.
Emotional abuse
Sometimes financial too.
Drains you as his main source of emotional supply and validation.

Best way. Go no contact.
Don't bad mouth.
Just say if people say anything there are two sides.
Don't talk about him with mutual contacts.
It sucks. You will lose a lot of "friends".
But you are not what you say. He's made you think you are not beautiful and nobody else would have you so that you accept his profoundly bad behaviour.
I'm guessing that he's had some sort of childhood trauma -abuse of some kind.
Don't need to share.
But spot the pattern.
Know your worth (or start to.bit will take time)
You are SO strong.
Do not cave.
Don't message him
He will try and get in touch in a few weeks. 6 weeks or so.
Do not do reply.
Seriously... Look it up.

A covert narcissist LOVES a reaction. Either you crying, being angry
Talking about him to friends gives him a kick bhe knows he still in your headspace.
The worst thing for a covert narcissist, is to be irrelevant. To see you happy and moved on and unaffected by him. He will put on an I'm fine actually. But internally it will annoy him intensely.

And it gives you your freedom.

It will take months to get over him and fight urges.
But you CAN do it.

I disagree. I’d usually agree but the OP stands to lose her entire network. I think a few facts in the right ear might just allow her to keep the network she has.

Oh you best believe I'd be hitting everyone with some home truths. The fact he is terminally ill is a bit of a moot point really.

I would post the screenshots and let everyone see, and explain THIS is the reason you're asking him to leave.

Leave him. He has treated you like an idiot. Show him, he is wrong. Your friends can be whittled down to the ones who are prepared to listen to your side and come to you to ask how you are. He will of course be complementary, words are easy, his actions tell a different story. He made his bed. Time for you to live your life, I wonder if your self esteem is linked to how he has treated you.

Agree with one caveat. I think she should tell
one person in their shared network about the affairs and that the recent one was so young and he asked her to marry him and paid her rent. They are all facts that she can prove. It’s not she said he said. It’s not her slagging him off. Its fact sharing and abuse thrives in darkness. Just once. Just one person. Those key facts.

^^ This. Deciding he wants to marry someone else is the reason for the split! And tell everyone - “X has decided that he wants to marry his 19 y o mistress. I’m sad that his infidelity has caused the end of our relationship.” Job done. Tell all your mutual friends this, and don’t be ashamed.

This is great. Simple, not wordy and doesn’t make you look irrational in any way (not that you are!)

Seven affairs in three and a half years? Wow.

You've had some great advice on this thread, OP. Please now use that private healthcare to get some individual therapy for yourself.

Are you sure about that?

I would be very surprised if an insurer would carry on paying for treatment if he leaves the scheme.

You are not a bad person, naive perhaps, but not bad. I do agree with others though, you need to set this record straight. I do agree with you that the subtle approach is far far more likely to have a better outcome than airing your dirty linen in public.

The fact he is in his 50s and this other woman is 19 is so many red flags, it’s just grim.

More fool him!

I wonder where he was thinking of living when they were married??!!

Well, not your problem as you know he can afford to pay rent so he'll have to pay for himself & not her if necessary.

Let them judge. Sod em. I’m sorry he’s ill he doesn’t deserve it but he needs to sort out his care now while he still can. I wish you and him well, look after yourself op.

OP, putting across your side, calmly and factually as suggested by others, will help you to begin to move on.
people/friends show their true colours I. This situation but they cannot do this with only half a story.

I was in a similar-ish situation many years ago and ‘had’ to keep my reasons for leaving private.

The emotional, social, financial and professional cost to me was horrendous, but worst, I’ve had continued crap health since.

I honestly think it was the secrecy, guilt and prolonged stress from that time that has just festered.

I wish I had been able to process things properly at the time. Secrecy is a heavy burden.

Re-post your mumsnet post on social media. I'm sure people will change their minds quite quickly.

Absolutely do this, it's both dignified and factual.

Also since he's that big of a cheater, surely at least some of his mates must know this? And once you say the above someone will say "well yeah actually..." As a PP said, he's entered the find out phase.

You're well rid of him but please OP, work on your self esteem, you seem to believe you're not worthy of being loved for yourself? You are worthy, you deserve to be treated kindly, we all do.

Some of the things people have said to me have been absolutely vicious. I've never felt so hurt or so alone in my life.

All my closest friends are mutual friends. That's how we met in the first place, as we're all involved in a very outing hobby. I think this is going to cost me my entire friendship circle.

Tell them, write back to their WhatsApp messages, tell them when they ask you while waiting for the kettle to boil at work, just tell them.

And if they’re still vicious, then that’s your freedom to do whatever you want, make new friends, move, anything. But make sure you tell people, don’t protect him.

For goodness sake.

Most of it was said to me privately, either in whatsapp messages from friends or in person.

And something is stopping you from responding, going ‘he’s been cheating for years, most recently with a teenager he’s also been supporting with my money, here are some screenshots’? The whole ‘I’m intensely private and don’t know want to post on social media’ thing doesn’t apply here. So, what’s stopping you?

It honestly seems like you actively want to feel like a martyr. It’s very strange!

Share the posts under his posts of the teenager he wants to marry. Sounds like a dirty old man getting his just desserts. CF needs to be outed. (Anonymise her though, as much I’m deeply critical of OW, she is a child)