AIBU to think I'm not a terrible person for leaving my terminally ill partner?

[Averyverybadperson]

I've been in a relationship with a serial cheater for several years. Now, I've said it. I've never been particularly attractive to men, objectively speaking, and I've always struggled to find relationships, so I tend to cling to the few I've managed to have, even when I know really shouldn't. I know, very healthy.

I was the breadwinner in this relationship. I brought in roughly 5x and he has three children to pay maintenance for, so I covered pretty much all our living expenses.

In the last few weeks, two things happened in quick succession.

I discovered yet another affair. I've honestly lost count, but I think this was number six or seven. The other woman, or rather girl, as she's only 19, sent me photos and screenshots I desperately wish I could unsee. He'd told her he loved her and wanted to marry her immediately.

What made this one spectacularly bad for some reason was the financial on top of the physical and emotional cheating. It turned out he'd been paying her rent while I was paying all our expenses as he said he has some debts to pay off.

Then, within 2 weeks, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. It's a condition that will probably leave him severely disabled within a year and is likely to end his life within five. He is likely to have very significant care needs very soon.

I finally found it in myself to end the relationship and have given him until the new year to move out.

He's made a couple of social media posts about his diagnosis, ("sharing awareness" style) mentioning that I've ended the relationship but that he doesn't blame me, as he's about to become a "liability" and can't work anymore. He also made a point of saying that he'll be homeless from the New Year because I've asked him to move out.

I'm now the awful woman who abandoned a man as soon as he became seriously ill, leaving him with no place to live and no financial support.

To everyone else, he's this charming, kind, jovial man. And yes he genuinely can be all those things. But there's another side to him that they haven't had to live with.

Some of the things people have said to me have been absolutely vicious. I've never felt so hurt or so alone in my life.

I don't even know what my AIBU.

AIBU to think that ending a relationship after years of repeated infidelity doesn't suddenly make me a bad person just because he has become seriously ill at the same time?

I've only read your replies and not the rest of the thread but in your situation I would still respond on his posts and say something along these lines:

(His name) it's really lovely to read these compliments about me but I think you are being unfair in saying that I'm splitting up with you because I don't want to look after you. You know as well as I do that we are splitting up because I can no longer take you being unfaithful to me after discovering your latest affair with a teenager, and seeing messages to her where you've told her you want to marry her. And on top of this you've been paying her rent despite telling me that you can't contribute properly to our household expenses. You have repeatedly cheated on me, and we have had therapy and I have tried to forgive you, but unfortunately this latest affair and the messages I have seen between you are too hurtful for me to overlook. It's unfortunate that after I made that decision you were diagnosed with this illness and I truly am sorry that you are going through this, but I cannot stay in a relationship with someone who does not truly care for me and has treated me so badly. I do of course wish you all the best and can offer you support going forward as a friend.
I would appreciate it if you would tell people the truth rather than making posts like this which make me look incredibly bad when that isn't the case. I have been patient, tolerant and forgiving in the face of your repeated infidelity over the years we have been together and I do not deserve to be turned into a villain now.

I really wouldn't worry about what will happen if you post that, because at the moment the consequences for you of what he's saying are huge and even if your message doesn't change anything you at least have tried to show people what the truth of the situation is, and if they do then choose his side you know that they were never really friends anyway.

I'd post the screen shots and tell you you left him so he could be free to marry his true love.

I don't think it needs to be a long message.

Just along the lines of that you're not leaving because he's ill but because he has constantly cheated & still is with a 19yr old who he hopes to marry.

absolutely not. pick the biggest gossip or your best support l and send the screen shots. cover up penis' and vaginas. say THIS is why we've broken up, because not only has it happened again, he apparently wants to marry this one.

He's done well that you've given him until new year

or even simply "sorry, what? you told Emma you wanted to marry her. now you can. how odd you think it's illness rather than repeated cheating"

I'd anon her cos it's not her mess but she is NOT a cgildm. she's 19. she's an adult

I would be so tempted to put him on blast - along the lines previously suggested.

Supporting you for the last 3.5 years and paying the bills was something I was happy to do, as was extending my private health care to cover your needs. I am sorry your terminal diagnosis came so soon after I ended our relationship, but unfortunately at this point, I cannot overlook the 6 or 7 affairs you have had during our relationship, the fact you are inappropriately targeting young women for these, and the utter cynicism of you going to therapy to make things work with me while you were fucking a teenager. Please be clear that the end of our relationship is nothing to do with your health, and everything to do with your choices.

Find the biggest gossip who knows you both then tell them all the details and show them all the proof. They'll do the job for you.

OP, why aren't you angrier about this?

Set the record straight, immediately. You have nothing to lose.

Tell people he was always a free loading cheating prick and now hes just a cheating freeloading prick who is ill
Anyone who wants to judge you can take him in themselves

You’ve ended a bad relationship with a serial cheat.

As for the illness well perhaps the girl he was cheating on you with wants to be his carer. Somehow i suspect not. He’s simply reaping what he has sowed.

And yes I like PPs I would be publicly putting the record straight.

Who cares what he says, he's a lying, cheating, cocklodger.
Good for you.
Let his 19yr old girlfriend, whom he truly loves and wants to marry, look after him for the remainder of his life.
I'd probably not upload those pics you were sent but I'd keep them handy in case!
I'd probably make a comment on social media about his 19th yr old girlfriend though, maybe she'd be interested in housing him since he was paying her rent while you paid for everything else! I'd 100% make that comment.

Seriously this is not your shame to hide and why are you doing so? He’s conviced you it’s you.

a simple line. “David had his 7th affair, this time with a 19year old so I have ended the relationship”. No explanation or reference to his diagnosis. Put under every comment and leave.

I don’t have social media now and I certainly was never the sort to ever air dirty laundry online. However, it is slander that he has written that you’ve ended the relationship and made him homeless due to a terminal diagnosis

I would not only be setting the record straight online but also sending a WhatsApp group chat to the friendship group to clarify

nope. You have every right to.

Tell him to ask his 19YO OW to look after him.

Post your own status

i left X, not because he was diagnosed with a terminal illness, but because he has cheated on me x times during our relationship.

and post screenshots.

fight fire with fire. If he’s playing dirty, you can play dirtier.

FAFO.

I think u r entitled to try and do this. Best wishes OP

Just have short reply ready.
"He has had many affairs. I am sorry for his illness but he has another woman he wants to marry"

This is just his story ..
-Thirdly, his post is actually incredibly complimentary about me. I'm apparently the best woman in the world, he was blessed to have me, and I deserve better than the cripple he's about to become. He also says he wants to devote whatever time he has left to helping others and making me proud of him (we're both involved in the same charity)-

"He was indeed blesed but he has recently chosen a new woman. I wish them all the best"

Stay calm factual short.

Change your social media profile photo to screen shots of the messages.

This 👆 You are absolutely not being unreasonable. After everything, he does not deserve to have you as his carer. You have wasted enough of your life on this loser. Go and enjoy your life 💐

Honestly I would never normally advocate leaving a terminally Ill partner because well you will be free in a few years anyway .but a serial cheater and financial abuser .
ill or not once he has gone don't ever look back .and I see you said you are not attractive. You will have some great points some not so we all have .you need help to build your self esteem .you deserve to spend your money on you take some single holidays .my friends love them and they are so far from saga .learn to dance the flamenco in Spain. Go to st Petersburg just two I am assured are great to go as a group of single ladies.and put up on every site sorry I am not leaving peter/guy /thomas because he is ill but list it all .i hope you have a great life without a cheater attached to you .he will realise quickly his casual ladies will be off x.

I would tell your mutual friends in person, not comment on social media.
Have you considered you probably have low self esteem because of this man? I am certain your low opinion of yourself isn't justified. Men like him are good at making women like you feel shit.
Don't look back, please.
Do not become his carer.