AIBU to think I'm not a terrible person for leaving my terminally ill partner?

[Averyverybadperson]

I've been in a relationship with a serial cheater for several years. Now, I've said it. I've never been particularly attractive to men, objectively speaking, and I've always struggled to find relationships, so I tend to cling to the few I've managed to have, even when I know really shouldn't. I know, very healthy.

I was the breadwinner in this relationship. I brought in roughly 5x and he has three children to pay maintenance for, so I covered pretty much all our living expenses.

In the last few weeks, two things happened in quick succession.

I discovered yet another affair. I've honestly lost count, but I think this was number six or seven. The other woman, or rather girl, as she's only 19, sent me photos and screenshots I desperately wish I could unsee. He'd told her he loved her and wanted to marry her immediately.

What made this one spectacularly bad for some reason was the financial on top of the physical and emotional cheating. It turned out he'd been paying her rent while I was paying all our expenses as he said he has some debts to pay off.

Then, within 2 weeks, he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. It's a condition that will probably leave him severely disabled within a year and is likely to end his life within five. He is likely to have very significant care needs very soon.

I finally found it in myself to end the relationship and have given him until the new year to move out.

He's made a couple of social media posts about his diagnosis, ("sharing awareness" style) mentioning that I've ended the relationship but that he doesn't blame me, as he's about to become a "liability" and can't work anymore. He also made a point of saying that he'll be homeless from the New Year because I've asked him to move out.

I'm now the awful woman who abandoned a man as soon as he became seriously ill, leaving him with no place to live and no financial support.

To everyone else, he's this charming, kind, jovial man. And yes he genuinely can be all those things. But there's another side to him that they haven't had to live with.

Some of the things people have said to me have been absolutely vicious. I've never felt so hurt or so alone in my life.

I don't even know what my AIBU.

AIBU to think that ending a relationship after years of repeated infidelity doesn't suddenly make me a bad person just because he has become seriously ill at the same time?

You really need to put the record straight, OP. It's up to you whether you do it on social media and/or directly face-to-face with a few key friends. But you have already sacrificed so much for this scummy man - your affection and loyalty, your money, your self-esteem - PLEASE don't also sacrifice your entire friendship group and the hobby you love, for no good reason. I suspect you are feeling embarrassed/ashamed and just wanting to quietly disappear, which is understandable - but the shame here is NOT yours, it's his (as a very brave woman said not so long ago, "shame must change sides"). Other posters have suggested some very dignified wordings for correcting his insinuations, so why not use or adopt one of those? And I agree, his post is NOT really meant to be complimentary at all, it's sneaky and when he claims he "doesn't blame you", that is 100% deliberate to ensure everyone else DOES - unless you correct it!

Also do consider the timeline for getting him out of your house - I worry rather that letting him stay so long (and especially over Christmas) will give him a chance to inveigle himself back in again and leave you stuck with him - or that a convenient worsening of his health will arise just before he was due to move out, and leave him "stuck" there (especially if he is also dependent on your health insurance currently...). The sooner you are fully separated, the better.

And finally, when you are rid of him, please do consider some therapy to address your low self-esteem. You DO have value, you deserve to have friends and to hold your head high, and if you find another partner in time it should be someone who is honest, loyal, respectful of you and an equal partner not a sponge, so you need the confidence to expect and demand this, and sack off anyone who isn't up to your reasonable standards! Good luck!

You are not doing anything wrong.

Why would you set yourself up to care for a man who doesn't give a shiny shit about you??

I'm sad that you feel your shared friendships will align with such a lowlife instead of supporting you.

Mind to shout 'Gardyloo' when he leaves

Yup. This. Make sure absolutely everyone knows the real reason you're leaving him. What a monster.

Christ alive, all this shit for a relationship of no length. Kick him out now, OP, before he manipulates his way in to staying and being a burden for the rest of his life. Make sure everyone knows why, and the age of his latest. If you lose friends, they weren’t worth having anyway.

Op as well as correcting him on social media, get him out of your house much sooner than the new year.

Just because someone has an illness or disability doesn’t mean they aren’t still a complete cunt.

You might be surprised who sticks by you, and who may even be cheering you on.

Personally I wouldn't reply to anything on social media, but I would have a heart-to-heart with the most brash of your mutual friends.

Whether they side with you or not, they will certainly spread the word.

This. This this this. All the live long day. You don't have to protect his shitty behaviour anymore and that includes throwing you under the bus to cop it with his "poor me" act.

I ahree with this. You need to get him out before he can argue he is dependent on you.

I’d comment on those posts with his filthy affair screen shots.

"Thirdly, his post is actually incredibly complimentary about me. I'm apparently the best woman in the world, he was blessed to have me, and I deserve better than the cripple he's about to become. He also says he wants to devote whatever time he has left to helping others and making me proud of him (we're both involved in the same charity)"
Absolutely massive grooming and guilt trip combined. Please - save your own life now and get him out.

And please continue to work on yourself - self-esteem issues and so on. You are a valuable and worthwhile person who deserves to have a wonderful life.

I'd be tempted to leave a comment on his post outlining everything you've said above! However, social media drama isn't really my thing so I also understand not wanting to rise to it. Nobody will really remember or care about his sob story in a few weeks unless he's the very nicest of chaps, which doesn't sound the case.

"Thirdly, his post is actually incredibly complimentary about me. I'm apparently the best woman in the world, he was blessed to have me, and I deserve better than the cripple he's about to become. He also says he wants to devote whatever time he has left to helping others and making me proud of him"

That isn't for you. You know that, right? He's trying to make himself sound like a martyr. He knows that people will read that and think that he's a kind and wonderful man and you are selfish and cruel. Whatever way you choose to do it, PLEASE make sure everyone knows the real reason you are leaving. If you go to the town gossip, make sure you show them screenshots of the evidence. In fact - airdrop them so they have a copy and can share them. Have a good cry and tell them all the details about how miserable he's made you and how your low self esteem prevented you from leaving but how he's been using you for this whole time while he cheats on you with literal teenagers and gives them your money.

For the love of God, PLEASE don't wallow in silence and accept losing your entire friendship group because you're too scared to challenge his version of events.

It won't, if you tell them. Tell them everything he's been doing, and if they still think you should stand by your (shitweasel) man despite all he's done, then they aren't the kind of people you need as friends.

As you have acknowledged, that complimentary stuff is pure manipulation. I don't understand how you are prevented from posting a response because you rarely use social media or because you have been seen together after the affair. It would be very difficult for anyone to find fault with a brief factual post to the effect that you are sorry it has come to this. but the relationship became unsustainable as a result of your discovery of his latest affair with a 19 year old and his offers of marriage to her, coupled with his subsidising her rent whilst you paid all his living expenses for him. Then finish up by wishing him well and block his FB page completely.

Definitely do that. You don't deserve people thinking badly of you, and you'd be doing nothing that anyone could criticise you for, if you simply unload to a friend. That's normal for anyone who's hurt or stressed about something.

So after three and a half years, he’s had seven affairs? And it’s taken you this long to give him an ultimatum? Enough, OP, you need to walk,away with your head held high. Tell him to get one of his other floozies to take care of him - and stop bankrolling him TODAY.

Update your own status/stories with the phrase 'once a cheater always a cheater' if you have mutual friends they will see. Something like that is enough without putting all the details out there.

Thirdly, his post is actually incredibly complimentary about me. I'm apparently the best woman in the world, he was blessed to have me, and I deserve better than the cripple he's about to become. He also says he wants to devote whatever time he has left to helping others and making me proud of him (we're both involved in the same charity)

Just read this ^^ - this is 100% about him and a manipulation tactic because he needs a nurse with a purse! You deserve better than this relationship. Honestly OP you need to respond and say you would have still have loved the cripple he’s about to become (to quote him). Unfortunately you can’t love the serial cheat he has been, once is unforgivable, but 6 times in a relatively short relationship and you’re done!! Also you’re warmed by his concern, but being the breadwinner you’ll continue to provide for yourself, just no longer for him.

I also suspect all of your friendship group already know he’s a sleaze (probably tried it on with them) and they will applaud you. They are probably friends with you both, because they like you and not him.

Men like this are manipulative. That’s how they get away with it. And they rely on the people they hurt trying to protect dignity/ not air dirty linen in public/ take the moral high ground.

Meanwhile he sees his meal ticket fading away, and needs group emotional blackmail behind him to ensure that you feel pressured into looking after him.

You are absolutely right to break up with him.

Once you have formally ended things with him, I would reply directly to his sm post along the lines of:

We are all devastated by the news of your terrible illness. I’m sure your new 19 year old girlfriend won’t see you as a burden at all, especially as you love her enough to have already proposed marriage to her. After so many years of trying out other women, it looks like you’ve finally found the one for you! Based on the pictures of you both that she’s sent me, she seems far more flexible and physically capable than I could manage at my age, which is exactly what you need now . I wish you every happiness as you build your new future together.

I think you can maintain your dignity by simply stating that unfortunately at the same time as his diagnosis you have been made aware of ongoing infidelity and financial abuse. You are very upset by the current situation and wish him well but will be going your separate ways. Don’t get dragged into bitching and hopefully rebuild your life without him ruining it further.

Immediately comment on these posts adding ‘the diagnosis wasn’t part of my decision to ask you to leave, it was the consistent infidelity’ make sure everyone knows this is the reason for the breakup. You don’t have to make it confrontational or ‘gossipy’ just keep it calm and factual.

He cheated on you and used you financially.

You are completely right to leave him.

If anyone criticises you simply tell them the truth.

He is very welcome to try to get support from one of his mistresses...

I’d comment on his awareness post that you have no desire to care for a serial cheater and that maybe if he didn’t fuck teenagers you’d be more inclined to stick around. Don’t let him make you look bad.

@Averyverybadperson If affair number six or seven wasn't enough reason to leave, I'm struggling to imagine what would be.

People are focusing on the timing because "woman leaves terminally ill man" makes a simple story. But do they know the background. The actual story is "woman finally leaves serial cheat who has spent years deceiving her and appears to have been financially exploiting her".

His illness is tragic. It is not a get-out-of-consequences card.

You are not responsible for sacrificing the next five years of your life because he is now facing the consequences of circumstances unrelated to the reasons you ended the relationship.

Personally, I I won't win a tact competition I know, but my response on social media, directly under his post, would be something along these lines.

"As the women in question, her is my point of view. For the last x years I have been supporting us using my income not his, as he has 3 kids to support from his previous relationship and so I carried the financial load. During this time he has had x affairs that I am aware of. Sadly my lack of self worth was eroded to such an extent that I stayed.

But timing is a bitch and so recently I discovered that he is embroiled in a relationship with a 19yr old and apparently whilst I have been using my money to support him as he didn't have enough money, it transpires that he has been paying the rent for his girlfriend (with the money he told me he did not have). I know this, not because he told me, but because she sent me messages and photos which devastated me and made me realise how stupid I had been. When I challenged him, he told me he loved her and wanted to marry her asap.
From his own actions and choices, I made the decision, no more!

Unfortunately, shortly after making this devasting discovery about his further betrayal, he was sadly diagnosed with a terminal illness. I would not wish this on anyone but it is no longer my problem to solve.

You reap what you sow, he has a Fiancé and she has a flat, he has somewhere to go, the woman he betrayed me emotionally and financially with. Given he wants to marry her, and was committing to her for life and not me, then they can work through this diagnosis together. and send what little to me his has left together. He didn't chose me, he chose her and so his current situation is of his making".

I’d simply say:

”Why won’t the 19yo gf you love and promised to marry whose apartment you’ve been paying for take care of you? Why not stay with her? She is your girlfriend so how are you going to be homeless and without someone to help you?”

Post the screenshots and leave it at that. Who knows, she might not be the only one he was with. Seems to be the trend in situations like this. Man has a wife, a girlfriend, and another woman.