My teenage son and his attitude to my relationship

[creatorcure]

I live an hour away from
my partner of a year. We see one another overnight once per week for 24-36 hours and then have a coffee/ walk on an evening midweek .
My 16 year old child has an issue with this. He refuses to engage in any activity outside the home except for walking the dog. Doesn’t meet friends , just wants me around all the time and has just accused me f being a shit mother essentially and asked why I had kids when’
im always gone’. My
other kids are thrilled for me . I’ve solo
parented all my life .. even when married but have done it completely on my own for the last eight years where I was fully
committed to my children and my work to support them.
I am sick to death of this child trying to control my life. I have so so little going on outside my home and I have probably finally met the live of my life where I am treated with such kindness, respect and love and my son kicks off.. again!!
Im emotional tonight as I’ve just received another tirade of verbal abuse but am I being unreasonable here???

I’ve read the other posts, and I still think you need to think about why he’s so controlling of you. He will be feeling insecure, probably, so maybe you could explore that. How you communicate does matter as well. I get the feeling conversations might not go well between you usually.

If he refuses therapy or any sort of direction for change after a reasonable, non accusatory chat then you just have to set very strong boundaries and be assertive, still making sure he knows that you love him and he matters to you while following through with reasonable consequences for his shitty bahaviour.

I think if he makes no improvement or effort in the next few years, I’d make arrangements for him to move out if there are no extenuating circumstances such as disabilities.

Your son is trying to make his problems your problems , and blame you for them into the bargain. He needs help, he is clearly depressed.
Take no notice, get him help and live your life- do not under any circumstances feel guilty.

I am going to disagree with the majority here and urge you not to stop your overnights.

I have read what you have written and your son sounds controlling and abusive. Sixteen year olds can manage just fine home overnight with two siblings, one a fully formed adult.

Every time you give in, you are giving him the message that he is right, and the control will only escalate. You need firm boundaries and to explain them to him, but not negotiate. Don’t engage in pointless debates, but give him lots of praise when he acts decently.

He does sound like he needs professional help. You should try to work with the school to arrange this. But, you can’t make him.

Forget the first post, it’s almost irrelevant. OP the biggest issue you have is that your son is bordering on mentally ill and is a 16 year old abuser. Sounds like the whole family is being abused by him. So, as much as I think you deserve a relationship and some happiness, your attention is going in the wrong direction. Your son is out of control and making the lives of the rest of the family a misery. From the focus of your first post, it seems you’re more concerned about getting to do what you want than advice about how to fix the actual massive problem you have in front of you. Getting to see your boyfriend is a red herring. Your son is a massive problem.

As the other child in the scenario I’d reconsider. My sibling did the same at the same age - told our widowed mother that she had to stay in mourning forever after, tried to control what mum and I did when she was away at university (nothing, we had to wait for her to return but she could have fun without us) and controlled any time we were together. She had two tantrums at my graduation as things weren’t done as she would have chosen. She spent the next thirty years doing the same and my mother let her, which ruined our relationship.

Do not stop your overnights! neither of you will have a life outside each other is one of you doesn’t put some distance between you- its obviously not going to be him.
He sounds like my BIL who is still at home in his late 30s, he controls everything, money, what they do, where they go- they don’t go on holidays because he doesn’t like to be away from home and she won’t leave him, she won’t even come over for dinner with her grandkids because he won’t eat food at other peoples houses, they don’t go out for meals, she has no friends and her long term partner finally had enough and left her, he is constantly running up debts which she ends up paying for and if he doesn’t get his own way he kicks off and she now just goes along with it for an easy life.
Yes he is only 16 but soon you will be trapped with a fully grown man kicking off- nip it in the bud now.

Only 16? I got myself a job and left for London, alone, at 17. FFS, a 16 year old can marry, have sex, drive a car.

Also, caring for him? Do you mean cooking, cleaning, washing his clothes? No wonder so many men are useless if 16 year old boys can expect 24/7 maid service.

Reading all your updates makes me think he isn’t a nice person and very controlling. I’d be looking at supporting him with a plan to move out when he is 18 years old. I could not live with someone abusive.

It isn't a big deal. This is symptomatic of something wider going on with him/your relationship.

I'm going to agree with @EverybodyLTB - you have a huge problem with your son, and the answer is not to give in to him.

He sounds like he could be on the spectrum, BUT he is definitely an abuser, spectrum or not.

You have tried to placate him by always doing what he wants, apart from staying away for a night, and it's just made him even more demanding.

I would continue with your overnights, and also limit how often you answer his messages.
Make sure your older children have your partner's number so they can get hold of him/you in an emergency.

Your youngest son's behaviour is NOT normal, and you do not have to put up with it. If it was a partner, everyone would tell you to LTB.

If he refuses any medical or psychological help, then you can only help yourself.

I would be gradually cutting down on contact time with him the rest of the week, and encouraging him to spend more time with friends or other family. This is normal life, and will be good for him as well as you. If he cannot or will not, then you need to consider other ways of getting him the help he needs.

And you should be getting professional support for yourself eg counselling or therapy.

You also need to stop giving him control over any aspect of your life - i understand it's probably happened little by little, but it has to stop.
Your goal initially was probably reassurance of your love and that you would always be there for him.
But - read what you've written about what he controls - that's really crazy, OP. And it has created a monster.

I would continue seeing your partner as you have been, but maybe consider having him stayover maybe once a month.

Good luck, it's not going to be easy to extricate yourself from this toxic relationship with your youngest son.

He's a teenage boy who doesn't want his mum going off to have s*x probably no other reason than that

Sorry, OP, this is mumsnet. If you're not living with your £250k-earning middle-class husband (whilst moaning about school fees), you're expected to live like a nun. HTH.

If you stop going to your partners because of his behaviour you are showing him if he gives you enough abuse you will give into him, this is not what you should be teaching him, you have a right to stay at your partner’s house and if he asks you not to go, you teach him the word NO and he learns that no means no rather than no means worsen his behaviour towards you until he gets his own way.

Wow and if he gets a girlfriend how will he behave then?
Start to source private therapy for you and/or him and don't just give up, I would be really worried, what if he steps up to physical abuse

Move the overnights to every second weekday instead and maybe tell him he needs to join scouts or army cadets. What's his life plan or interests? Sports?
Break free of him! He will be a man soon!

That is so sad

imagine resenting your own kid from 2 years old
no wonder hes not able to function as well as her other golden children

I don't agree with the bashing you are getting on here. He needs to move out when he turns 18. You must insist on that. You cannot be expected to put up with this. Mumsnet tends to have a Mother as Martyr vibe going on. Its not reasonable. If anyone criticises you for chucking him out at 18, they can house him. Same applies to his useless Dad. I bet he isn't getting a barrage of abuse for going where he wants when he wants. Stopping the visits is teaching him that bullying you works. Turn your phone off. Live your life.

But you said 'My partner visits us once a week and we all have dinner or a chat'.

Dear god no wonder so many men end up abusive and entitled.

Here we have a mother who is trying to teach her son that he doesn’t own her, and she is being berated by a bunch of weak women for not further enabling her son’s abuse.

OP needs to keep in mind that she has no idea how successful the people responding are at parenting. they may be raising abusive sons too.

I would be absolutely ashamed of myself if my 16 year old needed 'looking after' to that extent. My 15 year old has just started a part-time job, can feed themselves, be alone at home without me having to worry about them and that's without having other adults in the home with them. I haven't left them overnight alone yet but at 16 I think I would be able to. My mother left me and teenage brother at home with an older sibling sometimes when she was away, it never entered my head that I should have a say in this and throw a wobbly.

I think your son is being a little shit. Also sounds like he has no friends of his own. I never understand children being resentful of the parents finding new romantic partners. You are away for 1.5 days out of 7 during which he is in the care of adults. And he is 16. Sorry he is making you feel awful but maybe try and sit down and talk it through with him.

and I hope when people scream this at him you make sure their feet don’t touch the ground. What a nasty thing to say to him when he knows the feelings towards his dad. He sounds like he has abandonment issues and clings to you as he doesn’t feel secure. You should wipe the floor with those comparing him to his dad and if you haven’t then you’ve facilitated a self proclaimed prophecy. Your older kids may react with him but the 23 yo is 7 years older she should definitely know better and I would be making her aware that you have a duty to one child as the other 2 are adults. You need to take the power from the 16yo & you need to let the other 2 that you have an obligation to the 16yo and they’re old enough now to stand on their own 2 feet. You need a constructive plan and they need to be on board. They can argue with him but no comparison made to his dad should ever come out their mouths. Quite frankly your 16yo may be vile at times but having that thrown at him certainly won’t change things. To take power away from the 16 they need to walk away. They need to ignore him pretend he isn’t there. Go to thier room for 10 minutes to let things cool and only talk to him if he speaks respectfully to them and apologises. They’re allowed boundaries and your 16 yo is the pf enough to understand them.

you’ve also made yourself central in his life. in previous advice I’ve wrote that you should make time for him but I think you need to concentrate on him being more independent (that doesn’t mean leaving him every weekend) you need to almost wean him off you. The fact he’s happy spending time with you doing household chores at 16 is quite something. You need to make a decision about this man. If you can’t get past the idea having him around your children in a more intimate environment like a weekend at yours for no good reason you should be seeking therapy not just for your son but yourself to. Your son is reluctant to get help (reasonable for his age) but if you do it as a family sessions, you and him then he maybe more willing.

my friend had a mom that went to the shops (literally) and never came home. A dear John note left on the table. She hasn’t seen her mom in 39 years. She has severe abandonment issues which only surfaced when she met her now husband. She is so controlling about what he’s up to and stops him going out. Despite the fact she swans about as she pleases. She’s only happy when she knows he’s at home. Believe it or not the tracking apps have given him more freedom as she know exactly where he is. You don’t want your sons future relationship to end up like this. I think a little tough love but a lot of empathy is what’s needed. Don’t wait for him to call you when you’re away. Call him and head it off. Text him regularly and over time reduce the contact, you should only get involved in sibling arguments if it’s escalating. Be that telling him to pack it in and going to his room out for a walk to calm down, he needs to know that there are red lines in place on his siblings to. I can’t reiterate how abhorrent it is and damaging for him to being compared to dad who’s not highly thought of and has abandoned him.

He has been at every therapist/ psychologist/ counsellor: CAMHS since the age of 3.5 years of age . He has refused to engage with any outside agencies in the last four years and lies blatantly to them telling them he has friends, he’s happy etc. He threatens me that he’s going to tell school , GP etc that he’s being bullied and that he’s treated badly if I don’t stop
asking him to go to therapy. Psychiatrists are adamant that we
do not engage in family therapy as it will be based on lies amd
manipulation and essentially futile. I’ve been having counselling since he was two . CAMHS believe he is deeply affected by his fathers abandonment of him
and us but his extreme
behaviours predates them. They believe his behaviours towards me are enable by me as Im aware of the consequences of I don t acquiesce . However his father never had much interest in our children so he picked up on that too. I expect.

It’s the overnight that’s the issue. Leaving a 16 yr old to do an adult’s job is not acceptable.

Having a baby when still a child yourself is not ideal for anyone. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

As kindly as possible it does sound as though you may be enabling. Maybe some over compensation too because you feel so sorry for him that his father isn't very interested.
Ultimately you need to wean him off the idea that you are his possession and that your primary function is to care for him - in the way he wants. Tough thing to do - but he has to realise you have the right to your own personal life. Slowly slowly though as he obviously has an unhealthy co dependency and probably you do too. ❤️

OP even if you were single these nights away are probably needed to help you cope with having him attached to your side so constantly. I think pushing back at his behaviour is your only option here as I'm not sure if much will change in two years anyway. Does he have any longer term plans or hopes for his life?