My teenage son and his attitude to my relationship

[creatorcure]

I live an hour away from
my partner of a year. We see one another overnight once per week for 24-36 hours and then have a coffee/ walk on an evening midweek .
My 16 year old child has an issue with this. He refuses to engage in any activity outside the home except for walking the dog. Doesn’t meet friends , just wants me around all the time and has just accused me f being a shit mother essentially and asked why I had kids when’
im always gone’. My
other kids are thrilled for me . I’ve solo
parented all my life .. even when married but have done it completely on my own for the last eight years where I was fully
committed to my children and my work to support them.
I am sick to death of this child trying to control my life. I have so so little going on outside my home and I have probably finally met the live of my life where I am treated with such kindness, respect and love and my son kicks off.. again!!
Im emotional tonight as I’ve just received another tirade of verbal abuse but am I being unreasonable here???

Child neglect? When I was at school 13 year olds were doing babysitting jobs they found in newsagent windows.

16 is not to young to be looking after a child, I had my own child at 16.
No wonder there are so many man babies out there today needing looking after.
16 is old enough to get a job but not look after a child? What if they worked in a nursery?

THIS ^*

every update my heart breaks for him. Its not his fault he looks like his dad. The way three of you throw “he is just like his dad” at him in such a negative way when there are clearly so many unresolved issues there.

I’m sorry that you’ve been unable to get your son any help. His controlling behaviour sounds terrifying.

I don’t think that you’re doing anything wrong by having a relationship and going away overnight but it must be difficult for the older ones considering what the youngest is like. I would stop for the sake of the older ones rather than because the youngest demanded it.

My kids like having me around but at 16, they weren’t following me around like a toddler would. You must be tired of being his only friend and source of entertainment. I don’t have any suggestions because my kids at 16 were very different but has he ever been seen by CAMHS? I’d be very worried if my child was like that.

He sounds like he needs some counselling. It's not normal for a teenage boy to want his mum there all the time. He needs to become more independent. It's also likely that he's doing this to sabotage your relationship because he doesn't like the thought of you being in a relationship.

You leave your 16 year old every single weekend to go stay at your boyfriend’s? It’s far too much time to be leaving him. It’s just too much. I am also the parent of teenager with a boyfriend. It is too much. You’re being a shit parent.

Any neurodivergence suspected?
My best friends daughter sounds exactly the same and she’s ADHD / ASD
Or he’s definitely got abandonment issues
How old was he when his dad stopped contact with him?

Sadly although I see why you’ve played it the way you have with visiting your partner outside the house, leaving a 16 year old year old with siblings he hates for most of the weekend probably does feel pretty shit for him

I would drop that down to once a month and be more inventive with spending time together with your partner - taking a day off work here and there to spend more time and adding in a few more evenings x

I had a very happy homelife but I would have been upset if my mum was away every weekend.
I think you need to wait another couple of years.
I understand that your son is very challenging but as his relationships with his siblings are also difficult it doesn’t seem right to leave them all together.
We have a (now adult) child with a long history of mental health issues so I understand how absolutely draining that can be.

His age is really quite irrelevant here. I also moved out young, was left home alone over night at 14 etc. But, I was a well-adjusted teen who had grown up feeling loved and secure, this boy has issues that I never experienced. He very clearly has some deep rooted abandonment issues from his dad leaving and possibly other mental health issues too. You cannot expect him to act like the average 16 year old boy when you leave him alone as he doesn't act like the average 16 year old boy when you are around. He is alienating people left, right and centre (including family members) and that is very typical when you have these issues. They are testing how far they can go just so that they can prove to themselves that also you will abandon him. It's destructive, but until you get on top of that this issue will never go away.

LOOKS like his dad? I don't think that's the issue is it? He sounds incredibly abusive and controlling towards his mum and his siblings. In a couple of years time when he's an adult, everyone will just label him what he is - an abusive man. You do realise that every abuser is someone's son right? At the moment, this boy is controlling and abusing his mum, in five years time, he will be abusing a girlfriend and it will go on and on. Hopefully if he gets psychological intervention, there might be some hope but what OP absolutely should not do is give in to these controlling behaviours.

Sorry OP, you don't deserve that kind of treatment but you aren't treating him or his feelings exactly right as well. He definitely needs your attention and presense even if he can't articulate it properly and acts like this instead. I think he should be made priority AND he should know he is.

Is he Y11 and facing GCSEs next summer, or is Y12 at College?

Have you had him assessed by CAMHS or is he on the waiting list?

This is a good answer. I think it might help the OP to think differently about why her son might be doing this - potentially very helpful. I also agree with you, the OP should continue with her overnight stays.

He is a child. I know mumsnet has this awful strain of people who think boys deserve no grace or softness or care, really at all but definitely once they get past the age of 12 (and that viewpoint, while we're on the topic, is formed by the patriarchy, and is one of the reasons there are so many fucked up men in the world), but they do, and this attitude sucks. He could not be clearer that he needs, among other things, his mum.

Also, OP saying he's been controlling her since the age of 2 should have tipped everyone off that she cannot be trusted to accurately describe his behaviour, because no he hasn't.

It sounds as though he’s been labelled as an abuser since he was 2 years old.

No 2 year old can be controlling.

He is the scapegoat child and it’s no wonder he acts like he does.

It’s interesting how if I started a thread saying my new dog hid away in the corner of the room and would growl and snap anytime I went near it - everyone would say the dog is scared and question its past.

When a child hides away in their room and gets aggressive and swears - everyone jumps to them being the issue instead of why they’re acting that way.

His behaviour is awful but so is OPs and his siblings who seem to have bullied him since the age of 2.
It’s no wonder he acts the way he does.

So I've been away from this thread and read through the drip feeding.

• 2 year olds can't be abusive and controlling
• calling your partner the loml but not wanting him at yours is odd
• admitting your son is abusive to your other kids but you're happy to keep them in charge of him so you can get your leg over every week is... selfish
• he is clearly not at the same developmental level (regardless of his abuse) as other posters who claim they were 16 and fine doing x,y, z (average age in UK to move out is now 25)
• comparing him to his father by 'everyone' is damaging, allows for self fulfilling prophecy behaviours and is abusive by itself. Granted, possibly reactive abuse in this case but denotes an unhealthy dynamic in the home
• agree with other posters you need to set ground rules and boundaries but this going away every week clearly isn't working for anyone

Thanks everybody for your measured responses . I am going to cancel my weekly overnights for now and focus on staying home and keep working with my son, as he refuses to engage with professional services as I said before . I won’t end my relationship but change to seeing him every second week and hope we can ride the storm . So many questions to answer but in simple terms , I’ve been told from CAMHS who I went to on my sons behalf that he needs regular CBT and I need to start living my
life. Neither have worked sadly. Thank you all once more x

OP your son sounds very unlike a typical 16 year old and as he has always been like this I'd suspect he was possibly on the spectrum. A two year old is not trying to control your life, they are trying to make themselves feel safe. He definitely should not be left alone for 36 hours consecutively, you said yourself he is constantly by your side at home (VERY unusual for a boy of this age) so he definitely feels abandoned.

I think shit is too harsh but she certainly has the dating model back to front.
It should be a romantic date on a weeknight and the family dinner and chat at the weekend. Those tweaks - along with addressing the 16 year old's mental health with CAMHS - may go towards putting things in a better position

I just saw your last post so edited mine. Your plan sounds very reasonable.

If your som won''t engage, don't stop trying. Go yourself to whatever is offeted to help.you. It will both help you and help him accept help too.

His father was so eerily similar

Please don't ever, ever do this.
This is not ok, to project your anger and resentment towards your ex on your child. Not ok.

Leaving a 16 year old overnight now and then is obviously completely fine. Leaving every weekend for 36 hours is not ok. I can understand why he's upset.

OP you are clearly worried about him. It’s such a shame he won’t engage. It’s unlikely to resolve without external input.

The great unfairness is that it’s the men who walk away and the mums who have to put their lives on hold for the children. But you are doing the right thing here. You are all the stability your son has got and he needs you more than he even realises.

But he doesn’t get to treat you like shit and you will need to think of boundaries and consequences somehow, as well as being the unconditional loving parent. Good luck.

I have come across young men like these whose dads leave them. And they are at real risk of becoming abusive angry young men tangled up in the manosphere. And the poor mums bear the brunt.

Technically, at 16, your son is old enough to be left alone but he seems like there may be things going on for him that you’re not fully aware of or aren’t picking up on.

He seems like he’s a homebody if you say he doesn’t go out much or socialise. It seems like his family and home life is something he really values, and to suddenly have that change for a man who’s just turned up and changed the dynamic must be upsetting for him.

Have you sat down and really thought about why this might be affecting him? Have you asked him like you actually care about his feelings and where they are coming from? You sound really dismissive of him in your post and like you have contempt for him getting in the way of your love life, which will be coming across to him.

I’m sure if I was like your son at 16, I might feel equally put out that mum has met a man and suddenly we don’t get to spend weekends together like before.

Is he your only son? (is it possible if so that he’s taken umbrage at the perception another man coming before him?)

Is he the youngest?

Does he have social anxiety/neurodivergence/disabilities that make him unwilling or unable to detach from you?

Did you spend weekends together before and if so, are you leaving EVERY weekend or just some?

Does he have a good relationship with his older siblings?

What does he think of your boyfriend?

These things do matter and could change things a bit.

Do you all your DCs have the same dad?

I’m wondering why you’re so resentful of your youngest but not the other 2.

I wish you luck. Difficult situation to deal with. Have you considered he might be aspie ? Is he very bright if he chooses to apply himself ? Its very common for kids on the spectrum to need to try and control the primary care giver - though its not with malicious intent and is about sooothing their hidden difficulties with the world.

Sounds reasonable. However I would still urge you to contact organizations or a therapist yourself for extra support. Even if he does not want to engage into therapy, it can’t go on like this. Your other children seem to be also recipients of his abuse.

something is not right. So you need to get some counselling and try to establish boundaries as well as try different things to improve his behavior. Otherwise what’s the goal here? Have him live with you forever? Let him loose on a love interest at some point?

he seems to have bigger issues. No idea what the reason is, many posters said it‘s because he was abandoned or because OP resents him. That’s for a psychologist to say. But he needs help. And if he refuses, OP needs help. Because there should have been so much happening already years before.

@OP - why didn’t you send him to a psychologist when he was little?