My teenage son and his attitude to my relationship

[creatorcure]

I live an hour away from
my partner of a year. We see one another overnight once per week for 24-36 hours and then have a coffee/ walk on an evening midweek .
My 16 year old child has an issue with this. He refuses to engage in any activity outside the home except for walking the dog. Doesn’t meet friends , just wants me around all the time and has just accused me f being a shit mother essentially and asked why I had kids when’
im always gone’. My
other kids are thrilled for me . I’ve solo
parented all my life .. even when married but have done it completely on my own for the last eight years where I was fully
committed to my children and my work to support them.
I am sick to death of this child trying to control my life. I have so so little going on outside my home and I have probably finally met the live of my life where I am treated with such kindness, respect and love and my son kicks off.. again!!
Im emotional tonight as I’ve just received another tirade of verbal abuse but am I being unreasonable here???

Does he suffer with anxiety in general? Had he never experienced you being away overnight before you met your current partner?

Did he have any visits with his dad after you split? I'm wondering if there is an underlying (subconscious) fear that you will abandon him as his dad did.

My son was abandoned by his birth mother at the age of 3 and although I have been in his life continually since he was 5, at the age of 31 he is still given to lashing out verbally if I have to cancel plans with him or refuse to go and pick him up "right now". We recently had a bit of a breakthrough moment when we realised that he was experiencing me saying "not right now, I am busy, I will pick you up in an hour" as "I am never coming and you will never see me again."

If you've spent every day of your son's life with him until very recently, with a background of a (always disengaged/disinterested?) father abandonment issue, this could be triggering huge anxiety for him, and he's reacting to that fear by trying to control you.

I do not think that you should stop your overnights. He is old enough now to start the process of separating from you and seeing you as an autonomous human being, not just his mother. I think giving in to his fears would only make them more powerful.

I wish both of you all the best.

Wjat other ways does he control you?

I cross posted with you saying he is generally controlling. It's been my experience that a need for control is generally rooted in fear. Generally "I will lose what I have."

That does not mean it is excusable or should be accommodated, but it can make it easier to understand and deal with.

My youngest is a 16 year old boy. I would leave him overnight I wouldn't leave him overnight every week. There's a big difference.

Saying that, I don't think he would mind.

I still wouldn't do it though.

It can be exceptionally hard for a young person who is discovering their sense of self, so used to their mum being around then suddenly gone once a week. He will feel youre prioritising your relationship. Also, why cant you do midweek? A weekend is much longer period of time for him to sit around with no school.
Also does your son have friends, interests etc. Could you help him find some clubs? Encourahe him to text a friend and bung him 20 for cinema etc, a weekend job?
You absolutely deserve a life and happiness but going from nothing to gone once a week every week is going to feel difficult for your son when its just been you both.

It's a massive drip feed. And you aren't just leaving your ds for 24 hours as a one-off thing. You're regularly away for 24-36 hours each week.

Some kids might be fine with that. Your child isn't. And whether you like it or not, he is still a child.

If you're concerned about controlling behaviour, then start a thread about that. But honestly, it's hard to take you seriously here because your OP opened by saying how controlling your ds was because he didn't like you buggering off for 24-36 hours each week. The other stuff seems to have been added as an afterthought.

To answer some questions .. he lashes out if he doesn’t get his own way, if I spend time With my other children / friends/ colleagues . He tries to control where I go, what I watch on tv, what i drink, where I socialise, what time I come home, when intake my annual leave , what inspemdy
money on ,
where we go on holidays , when we book holidays, our family shop , the list goes on and on . His father was so eerily similar .
When he is asked to go with a friend, his godmothers or cousins , he leaves without a backward
glance and has the best time but when I’m away, he texts and rings continuously .
TBH Im sure this romantic relationship will
fall apart as it’s not worth the stress and trouble he brings to all the different relationships I have with family and friends so I expect a romantic one, will
send him and
me over the edge eventually

Only you know if he's mentally ill, struggling with anxiety and confidence, or if he just enjoys verbally abusing people and exerting control.

It's a long time to make your older kids be responsible for a child every week.

Yes, it's so sad.

I think people are being harsh here. Sounds like you do all the parenting, all the time if their dad doesn’t see them. That’s a lot for anyone and your son does sound demanding of your attention. And yes, you absolutely do deserve happiness and love in your life. The one thing I would say though is that he may be struggling with things. If his dad left his life, then on some level he may feel some anxiety that you could leave too. It may be triggering some abandonment issues in him, which are manifesting as him trying to ‘control’ where you are and what you do.

I appreciate you get a raw deal as the only parent around and therefore the only one getting grief for things, but at the same time, I’m wondering if something more deep rooted is going on. He sounds quite isolated and perhaps struggling to transition to independence. I wonder if you didn’t do any overnights for say a month, if you’d see any change in him? Or could you alternate overnights so you only stay away one a fortnight? Perhaps he just needs the reassurance he’s still a priority? I know he is to you, but he could be interpreting this arrangement differently.

If this partner is the love of your life, you hopefully have many happy years ahead together. In the scheme of things, maybe sacrificing some overnights for the next 1-2 years until he’s a bit older may be worth is if it helps him feel secure?

His father has nothing to do with him and every weekend his mum is away for most of it. It is pretty shit for him IMO because we all know being with your kids after school is not the same as the time you spend together at weekends.

"Sick to death of this child" and "errily like his father".

Can't help but wonder if these two are connected. Do you resent him because it appears that way?

The youngest of three, a dad who has nothing to do with him and a mum spending less time with him..I can see why he might feel a little neglected.

Have you actually had a proper, calm and constructive conversation with him to try to improve things or is it just combatative?

That’s a huge amount of time to be away from your child every week. He still needs you.

It seems
I will have to stop overnights . I simply am
not enjoying them as much anymore anyway as I can’t relax when the phone is pinging non stop and knowing he’s miserable and so
angry as it affects the whole home. I feel broken from his behaviour but it’s definitely escalated.

Why can’t your boyfriend come and stay at yours, and then you won’t be away for 24-36 hours every week?

I don’t see anything wrong with what you’re doing. He’s 16. He should have his own social life; would he be open to doing some counselling with you?

I don’t want a man in
my children’s home or indeed my
Home while
my children are there .

Son to mother abuse is unfortunately not that uncommon. You ARE in an abusive relationship with him. Don't end your romantic relationship because of this.

https://riseuk.org.uk/get-help/about-domestic-abuse/child-to-parent-abuse

Are you older kids daughters? How does he treat them?

Another ones whose parents left me alone while they went on holiday. I loved it. Would do loads of cooking of what I wanted and buy strawberries and chocolate ice cream as a treat!
I’m pretty surprised it’s seen as unacceptable to leave a 16 year old with older brothers and sisters. When we had similar age siblings at home nobody knew where others were half the time. Just living lives and being independent

He absolutely detests my
middle child but especially as we get on well. He is verbally
abusive towards him and makes his
Life hell tbh. He tries to have a relationship with his eldest sibling but he was seriously and extremely abusive towards her in front of her boyfriend and
spoke so badly about her boyfriemd
also , who was appalled and shocked so those relationships have all but disintegrated now also .

Agree with the other posters that your son is trying to tell you something here. 16 is a funny age. They think they are very grown up but they are very much still a child in many ways. Your weekly absence is making him anxious and stressed. He may not even be able to verbalise what he’s feeling which is why he is trying to control you.
Id take a step back from the overnights for now. Give your son some time to mature. There is a huge difference in maturity between a 16 yo and an 18 year old. You’ll get your time to be free, but now might not be the right time.

He refuses to engage in any form
of therapy or counselling and we’ve been advised not to engage in family therapy as it is not effective in our situation .

So absolutely none of what you're saying screams "happy well-adjusted teen". Instead it suggests "teen who needs some help". Which, as his mother, you're going to have to have a go at, rather than leaving him to float around every weekend with older siblings it turns out he doesn't even have a good relationship with? (I mean, your poor 19 year old being responsible for a kid who makes his life hell?)

I'm sorry OP, parenting sucks and it's hard but none of them asked to be born and they're not in a stable enough state for you to be prioritising this relationship. Yeah, that might mean you need to let it go.

It doesnt sound like this is the right time for you to be dating. Your son sounds like hes really struggling. I get you not wanting a man in the house with your kids living there, but your youngest doesnt have a good relationship with his siblings and you are gone every weekend. I can see why he might be feeling neglected.

Just wondering when when you make time for him? You're away every weekend, you say you socialise too, and go for walks midweek with partner. Do you make any one on one time with your son at weekends to go and do something together?
Him giving you abuse is unacceptable but it's hard to see where you make genuine time for him either. Just seeing him after school isnt really the same.

Also, I know you must be worn down and exhausted but the derogatory way you speak about him and how he is like his dad etc I seriously hope he doesn't get any inkling of that from you.