My teenage son and his attitude to my relationship

[creatorcure]

I live an hour away from
my partner of a year. We see one another overnight once per week for 24-36 hours and then have a coffee/ walk on an evening midweek .
My 16 year old child has an issue with this. He refuses to engage in any activity outside the home except for walking the dog. Doesn’t meet friends , just wants me around all the time and has just accused me f being a shit mother essentially and asked why I had kids when’
im always gone’. My
other kids are thrilled for me . I’ve solo
parented all my life .. even when married but have done it completely on my own for the last eight years where I was fully
committed to my children and my work to support them.
I am sick to death of this child trying to control my life. I have so so little going on outside my home and I have probably finally met the live of my life where I am treated with such kindness, respect and love and my son kicks off.. again!!
Im emotional tonight as I’ve just received another tirade of verbal abuse but am I being unreasonable here???

Only on mums net. The woman has been solo parenting for years and goes away 1 night . Parents I know are away more every week working in London and leaving kids with grand parents or Nannie’s. Get a grip

So that you’re leaving DC16 alone for a day and a half with DC23 sibling to whom the DC16 has been abusive, and DC19 who the DC16 hates?

Are you for real?!

Nobody’s saying you can’t find happiness in a new relationship, but you’re sure as shit going about it the wrong way.

You’re being really selfish and unfair on all three of your children!

I think he isn’t yet beginning to launch and spend time either with friends or outside the house, so he’s still in child mode. With only one parent. I can see why he feels threatened, although he isn’t ready being fair. You are out pretty much all weekend and every weekend , which does seem a lot to me. He isn’t an adult yet.

Drive the one hour home after your Friday/Saturday night date. Do overnights once a month/quarter if feasible. Address your son's mental health with CAMHS.

It's shit but you just have to accept that you are not there yet. Your son is 16 not 18 and he is who he is. You may enjoy having a date and waking up next to your partner and having a slow morning together or indeed an early start and an activity half day together, but you are not there yet. That phase of life is 2 years down the line for you.

Besides, you are only a year into this relationship. Even child free couples don't necessarily spend every weekend together. There is an element of running before you can walk here.

I was 16 in the 1990s and turned 18 in 2000. I know one person who moved out at 16 because my parents were amazing and took her in. Her mum was an alcoholic who moved to Scotland to be with her boyfriend as soon as my friend finished GCSEs. We were in Kent! Let’s stop implying shit parenting is normal and acceptable. 16 is still young and still needs parental support. Not the same parenting they need at 12 but still parenting!

OK, I was somewhat sceptical about the controlling behaviour before as you added it in as such a dripfeed, but Ib was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. But this post suggests that your expectations are the problem... you are describing your son's behaviour as controlling from the age of two?

No wonder the poor kid is struggling now. He reminds you too much of his dad and you've never really liked him.

I think you can see the finish line of parenting young children but need to accept you're not quite there.
I think being away every weekend is too often for any 16 year old, maybe once a month is more reasonable.
With your child's particular issues, it doesn't sound feasible at all and is also unfair on the other two children since his behaviour is so poor.

Leaving a 16 year old overnight once per week is completely normal and he needs to get used to it! I leave my 14 year old overnight once per week so that I can do a 24 hour shift at work to pay my bills and give her a good life and she understands that! I also have a partner and hobbies and a social life as well as spending quality time with her. She knows all these things are essential to a happy life balance! She occupies her time with her friends and her own hobbies and your son needs to find things to occupy his own mind instead of being obsessed with where his mum is and what she’s doing! At 16 I’d of thought it was ‘uncool’ to be with your mum at all times!

I actually think the fact that you've a relationship and are away for a night is a red hearing.
You son is and has been for a long time abusive to you and his siblings and refusing to engage with help.
This might not be his case at all, but I want to point out that narcissistic and controlling men not just become so out of the blue when they've a girlfriend/ married, they were also children with these issues in many cases, brushed under the carpet by the fact of being just children.
You just sound like a good mum that's reaching boiling point but you deserve happiness too.

Exactly, surprised by all the posters normalising this weird behaviour, what 16 year old wants to spend every weekend with his mum anyway, doesnt he have any friends? my mum had a bf when I was 16 and would stay at his house at weekends overnight i loved having the house to myself and I didn’t even have it to myself as I had a 5 year old brother to look after!!!

My parents went away for a week (regularly) abroad when I was 14 onwards ... no problems.

You’re his safety net. So still currently needs/wants you at home so that you’re available to him.

Going away overnight every weekend is too often when you have a 16 yo. Could you go every fortnight, and your bf come to you the rest of the time?

You had to care for your 5 yo brother at 16 and overnight on a regular basis?

That would count as child neglect nowadays.

Well that's a different issue. If he is abusive, what is being done to address this? You are entitled to a life of your own, but perhaps not staying away every weekend would be better.

Op I'm in a similar situation and leave my 17 year old about once a week to go to stay at my bf house as well and did when he was 16 also. I'm quite surprised by the reaction of everyone to this as it seems like quite a normal thing to do to me. The main difference in our situationa though is my son actually likes it when I go out as he likes having the house to himself. My bf also stays over about once a week too. I think if I were you I'd have your bf stay at yours more and build it up slowly from there. I know you say you don't want a man there but I'm not really sure of your reasons for that and is that something you could work towards ?

If this man is the love of your life as you've said, and you don't have young DC, I would say have him stay over at yours.
I agree with the pp who said start another thread. The problem is the control and abuse, not the overnights. But that said, every weekend is too often to leave your son. Even my teens who don't have issues and do have stuff outside the house I would not leave them every week. So have him over.

being sick of one particular behaviour is not the same as being sick of the child.

nothing neglectful about asking a 16 year old to babysit a younger sibling, mumsnet is insane, 16 year olds can have their own babies!

OP, I am very sorry that you are going through this. I also have experience raising children with mental health challenges, and I know how difficult and lonely this can feel. While most posters are focused on whether your son is old enough to be left at home with his siblings, I do not think his age or your new relationship is really the issue here. Most 16-year-olds should be fine being left at home, even by themselves, and especially with older siblings around. However, it seems that your son is not a typical teenager, and his needs may be very different. As his only caregiver, you will need to adapt to those needs while he is living with you, and that may be for quite a long time. If I were in your position, I would insist on having him assessed by a mental health professional. A proper evaluation and diagnosis are essential. Hang in there.

The DND is a horrible idea. He might just need his mum. 16 is still young and a lot will happen between now and two years.!

Leaving a happy thriving sensible 16 year old alone at home once a week might be fine - but he doesn’t sound like any of those things.

He’s telling you he needs you around and you don’t seem to believe him and instead are just slagging him off.

The son is abusive. He's already losing relationships with his siblings because of it. He may not have so many friends to hang out with because of it.

At 16 he's not quite an adult, but he's certainly old enough to know better, behave better and manage better. All the posters supporting him, encouraging OP to curtail her life and allow him to get what he wants by these abusive behaviours - it's really not healthy. Imagine what that teaches him about relationships and how to behave in the future. Yes, he's likely very unhappy and possibly has absorbed some trauma etc from his father. But she's done her best and by now he's too old to insist he goes to therapy and engages with it, so if he's not willing to change, then kind but firm parenting is IMO by far better than pandering to his abusive and controlling behaviours.

You are doing absolutely nothing wrong, @creatorcure , and I hope you are able to continue the loving relationship you've found.

So every weekend? Bit rubbish for him is it not?