To refuse to cancel going out for Xmas dinner in these circumstances?

[NothingDefinite]

My family (mum and her partner, my sister and half sister and their families) are due to visit and stay with us for a few days over Xmas. We live about 150 miles from them so we alternate spending Christmas in the two places, although we always go out for Christmas dinner. My half sister doesn’t always join us but does sometimes and is this year.

We all agreed on the restaurant for Christmas Day a few months ago and I booked it. My half sister is now saying she can’t afford it and wants us to host Xmas dinner at home. We really don’t want to do that as we look forward to going out for it, not cooking and just relaxing.

I’ve suggested that she comes before or after Xmas for a day or two instead but she thinks that’s unfair and doesn’t see why we can’t just cook dinner at home. My mum is siding with her and it’s causing friction. Are we being unreasonable to not want to change our plans and not want to have to cook dinner ourselves when we were looking forward to going out?

My husband did buy himself this not too long ago, Does that count? Do I need to pay for everyone’s dinner now? 🧐

https://www.smythstoys.com/uk/en-gb/toys/lego-and-bricks/lego-icons/lego-ideas-21330-home-alone-mccallisters-house-set-for-adults/p/226501?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=16442190939&gbraid=0AAAAADF0j8IJqimiCCy3lcOxZGKd80LTP&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIm-zvm7r9lwMVOItoCR0nBDSNEAQYBCABEgI3yPD_BwE

A masterclass in how to be passive-aggressive and sanctimonious.
I almost admire you.

Although I don’t obviously know their financial situation, I do know what careers they have and they both earn well. On paper, they shouldn’t be struggling, but obviously I have no idea how they choose to spend their money.

If you've paid a deposit for the meal you may not get that back if you cancel.
It's a no from me!

I am aware, that’s my point… tell the family members they would be charged an amount for the hosting and Christmas lunch… this would obviously be way more than what the lunch itself is costing and therefore the sister couldn’t possibly say yes…

That suggestion is CF-ery of an Oscar-winning kind.

Let your mum pay for them and call it their Christmas present (or you and your mum split the half-sister's share of the bill and call it their Christmas present)!

I’d play them at their game and say if you’re hosting the meal you’d have to carry the full costs for everyone and you can’t afford that. Then see what your mum wants to do.

Personally, I wouldn't want to go out to eat on Christmas day but I also wouldn't want to cook for 15 people! My brother always goes out, he never comes to us because he likes going out to eat, so our parents go out with him one year and over to us the next.

I think all you can do is suggest something similar to your sister, that she does her own thing on Christmas day itself and you'll see her at some other point over the festive season.

I have to say I'm always really sad that my brother would rather go out to a restaurant with his friends than ever come and see us and his niece and nephew but I've accepted that we don't really have much of a relationship, and maybe that's the case with you and your sister as well that actually you don't really have a relationship and that's why you're not willing to compromise at all.

I think Christmas often brings these kinds of things to a head and perhaps you just need to think about what will happen going forward and come to an agreement that works for both of you over the Christmas period as a whole rather than focusing on Christmas day itself.

Yes, it is this that sticks out for me. She can't afford a restaurant meal (which for four people on Christmas Day would be a hefty bill) but expects the OP to put in all the work of cooking for what sounds to be A LOT of people; and also carry all the expense of a Christmas Day meal that the OP thought would be shared.

So nobody gets to pay anything except the OP. This is a remarkably thoughtless suggestion.

And mum is OK with this? I smell a Golden Child here.

Oh, as a lego fan, that is a beauty!.. and no one buys those lego sets unless they are loaded.. so can cofirm, OP is well off!

Actually that's not true, people will actually go into debt to buy lego so it proves nothing😜does he know about the lighting kit you can get that goes inside? I think it is aftermarket, not lego, but it looks amazing.

I think you do more than enough at Christmas as it is in fairness, without paying for extra family members on the most expensive day of the year, if they now can't afford it, which is fair enough, the solution really does need to come from them, not you.

Watch out for the Wet Bandits! 😉

@NothingDefinitehow long do half sister/Sister B/CF extraordinaire usually come to stay at yours on this all inclusive basis? I’m afraid this would really dampen my notion to host them like this in the future.

Yep I can just feel that poster giving themselves a pat on the back for #beingkind

We’ve had this set since I come out 4/5 years ago so paid more for it cos it was the new set out! I still wouldn’t be paying for everyone else dinner!! How cheeky, if they can’t afford it they can’t come simple as that or your mum can cover them

I think I'd just say that you are going out for Christmas dinner as usual and you will understand if your half sister and mum and their partners etc want to stay home.

I think that's fair enough. As someone said earlier, sometimes one person challenges the plans and it causes an avalanche. There is no harm is sticking to Plan A,

I wouldn't pay for them either but I think you are doomed now, no matter what. If step sis and mum aren't coming to the meal, do they expect you to buy everything for Xmas dinner, so they can make it at your home? If step sis cancels the visit altogether will your mum be ok or give you a hard time (or even cancel, too). I hope you have a nice Christmas and don't get bullied into this any further.

If they don't want to go out for a meal then could they host at their home?

Very unreasonable of them to expect you to buy and cook Christmas dinner when you never offered to. It was always the plan that you would eat out and they agreed.

I’m angry on your behalf OP. I think your suggestion is fine. You aren’t changing the plans for suit them. If they don’t want to participate they can come to stay for a couple of days after Xmas.

That’s a particularly nasty and dishonest way of suggesting that the responsibility for any family friction is entirely OP’s if she doesn’t accede to outrageous demands made of her.

If they are staying with you, could you suggest if they don't want to attend the meal out then they are welcome to cook for themselves (and clean up) whist you all go out?

There is no "just" about cooking Christmas dinner at home for a large crowd of house guests. It's a mammoth task.

Your mother is being totally ridiculous along with your half sister. If your half sister can’t afford it she doesn’t go and if your mum feels that badly about it she can pay.

Absolutely cooking Xmas dinner for fifteen is not for the faint hearted.