To refuse to cancel going out for Xmas dinner in these circumstances?

[NothingDefinite]

My family (mum and her partner, my sister and half sister and their families) are due to visit and stay with us for a few days over Xmas. We live about 150 miles from them so we alternate spending Christmas in the two places, although we always go out for Christmas dinner. My half sister doesn’t always join us but does sometimes and is this year.

We all agreed on the restaurant for Christmas Day a few months ago and I booked it. My half sister is now saying she can’t afford it and wants us to host Xmas dinner at home. We really don’t want to do that as we look forward to going out for it, not cooking and just relaxing.

I’ve suggested that she comes before or after Xmas for a day or two instead but she thinks that’s unfair and doesn’t see why we can’t just cook dinner at home. My mum is siding with her and it’s causing friction. Are we being unreasonable to not want to change our plans and not want to have to cook dinner ourselves when we were looking forward to going out?

If her family's financial circumstances have recently changed so that the cost she agreed to is no longer affordable for her, then I think it's a shame for her to miss Christmas dinner with the family. But the way for her to handle that is to be honest and see what solutions the group can come up with, not to decide that someone else host (and pay). I don't even know what to say about your mother's weird assumption that YOU should pay for the two adults and three children; either everyone chips in or someone who can genuinely easily afford it offers to pay. (I'd also feel more sorry for her/inclined to help if it were just her; five dinners is a lot to pick up, and it's not like she'll be alone if she stays home.)

No way is that right. Turkey alone from M&S or local butcher will set you back well over £100 of that £200.

I think absolutely the main priority at christmas is being together. If a plan isn't inclusive of all family, then it's not fit for purpose. Though I always host, open my table to anyone my guests want to bring and make sure everyone is catered for which according to mumsnet seems a very unpopular view. If you're already spending hundreds on lunch, it can't be the cost of hosting that is an option, maybe it's the effort. In that case, ask everyone to help with a dish. Maybe go out for Christmas Eve or Boxing Day when it will be much cheaper so it can be inclusive.

I think it’s a bit shit that she could be left out due to finances.

Point out that if she's expecting you to cook, is she expecting you to provide and pay for all the food?

Or suggest you all go to hers for Christmas if she wants to cook.

What a cheek. She knew the cost, signed up, and is now backing out. I can see ways she could have done this better. If she’s had a quiet word with you saying things had changed and she was struggling to afford it, you’d have found a compromise. It’s this all or nothing attitude that’s the issue.

If I were you I’d still just go out. Explain that you can only pay for yourselves, and that what they choose to do is up to them. That it was booked months ago and you don’t want to cook. You’re allowed a view too.

No way would I change plans at this late stage now. Tell them you’ll see them on Boxing Day!

Sounds like you don’t really like your half sister? I’d be up for changing it up for the family members who can’t afford but would find a way of hosting that you would be okay with, eg assign everyone a meal to prepare and/or jobs for Xmas dinner and/or split the cost of your big shop for the week. Your mum is being a peacemaker as she wants all her daughters there but maybe you don’t?

Gosh £140 PP and I imagine it’s not THAT much cheaper for children so SAY £600 for some dry turkey and pigs in blankets which you can get at a carvery for £8 any other day of the year

If they don't go, everyone will lose their deposit, that is likely going to have been taken off the cost of the meal

So all of the guests lose what they have already paid and have the added cost/work of bringing a dish?

I wouldn't want my family to do that if I was the skint sister...I would apologise that we can't come but wouldn't want everyone else to feel they have to change their plans, lose their deposit and have extra work because of us. I'd see them separate to the meal

I wouldn't pay that either, but the time to say that is before agreeing and paying the deposit. Everyone has paid their deposits now so if they don't go, that money is lost for everyone.

Do you all honestly think the £140 lunch is going to be like an £8 toby carvery?

this will most likely include the drinks and be at least 3 courses and will be cooked by a chef who you are insulting by saying the turkey will be dry!!

the family tradition is to go to a restaurant. OP spends plenty every year to either stay in the hotel or host 10 people over the Christmas period. The time for her half sister to say something was months ago when the hotel was booked and deposit paid.

That's a standard price for Christmas lunch out. She is def being unreasonable to change plans now. Maybe just go to the lunch with your own family and say you will catch up with everyone next year (at her place, as it's her turn).

Or maybe @NothingDefiniteis annoyed that they have hosted everyone for years and whilst they provide the all inclusive experience except for the pre arranged and booked (with a hefty deposit) Christmas lunch, the same is not offered in return. When they visit family they still go out to eat all meals with the exception of one lunch hosted by the mother and one by the sister plus the additional cost of hotel accommodation.

Her mother is not trying to be a peacemaker, she is trying to thrust the financial burden onto her daughter and SIL who quite frankly already provide more than enough.

As everyone agreed well in advance and all were aware of the cost, it seems only right to go ahead as planned. It is expensive but with two adults in work and plenty of advance notice, it's difficult to understand the financial aspect unless the half-sister's family has experienced a disaster.

The dissenting branch of the family might join everyone else at OP's home after the restaurant meal. It's a shame but it's not really fair to cause everyone else to bend to their will and for OP to be obliged to spend Christmas day whipping up a meal for 15 adults and children. No matter the 'everyone bring a plate' good intentions, the burden will fall to OP.

As the mother is so keen for the half-sister's family of 5 to be subsidised, perhaps she can cough up the £550 or however much it is.

Cheeky fucker!!

I don't think you're being unreasonable, certainly not on the face of it.

I do find it strange how her being your half sister is relevant, and why you've felt the need to specify that in every post (when it has no relevance). My husband has a sister and a half sister, and I've never heard him describe them as such; they're just his sisters. It gives the impression there is potentially more background/dynamic.

Spell this out to your mum. Ffs families! It’s not only expensive cooking for everyone it’s a lot of work. YANBU

I would say of course we can stay in and I will cook the cost of that mean will be x amount please bank transfer me it by x date so I can buy the ingredients

OP, I hope we have convinced you that you are not being unreasonable!

But how do you plan to tackle this?

If your mum is so cavalier about your sister and her partner and children’s food being paid for she can do it herself. Either that or suggest they can cook Christmas dinner themselves at yours. I know this is not what you want but I doubt they’ll take you up on the offer. Remind them how much it costs to host and point blank refuse to pay any more. Cheeky sods the lot of them!

So you all go out as a family for Christmas dinner every year? No matter who is hosting, or who attends, this is the tradition that everyone knows about?

If you opt in to join family Christmas, you opt in to going out for dinner, yes?

And she's decided in November to moan about the tradition despite opting into the tradition earlier in the year and paying a deposit for it?

Nah, she can go run. Stick to your family tradition. Half sister and mum can do or not do.

Tbh, there's no win now that half sister has started a battleground with mum. Someone is going to be upset and not get the Christmas they want. Hopefully you'll still have an enjoyable time.

Can she genuinely not afford it? If so then I would probably just pay for her as a Christmas present or split between a few of you.

Did she know the price when she agreed to it? If so she should have put money aside.

If something significant has happened which means she can no longer afford it then I think it would be nice for the rest to share the cost, it is is Christmas after all.

It's quite cheeky for her to suggest you host it although if it's your turn and other people have all hosted then you definitely should contribute to her cost as she wouldn't normally pay.

I have two young DC, but soon as they're old enough to not need naps and will eat proper meals completely independently/entertain themselves, we will definitely be going out for Christmas dinner on occasion!

Tell her if she pays for your hotel you will!

don't obviously but I'm cross for you! She's a cheeky cow and so is your mother. Bloody cancel and let them do their own if they want. They're getting free bed and breakfast that you don't ever get!

YANBU, don't cancel, go and spend time the way you want to and tell them they are free to host their own dinners and handle all the cooking elsewhere and skip this one.