To refuse to cancel going out for Xmas dinner in these circumstances?

[NothingDefinite]

My family (mum and her partner, my sister and half sister and their families) are due to visit and stay with us for a few days over Xmas. We live about 150 miles from them so we alternate spending Christmas in the two places, although we always go out for Christmas dinner. My half sister doesn’t always join us but does sometimes and is this year.

We all agreed on the restaurant for Christmas Day a few months ago and I booked it. My half sister is now saying she can’t afford it and wants us to host Xmas dinner at home. We really don’t want to do that as we look forward to going out for it, not cooking and just relaxing.

I’ve suggested that she comes before or after Xmas for a day or two instead but she thinks that’s unfair and doesn’t see why we can’t just cook dinner at home. My mum is siding with her and it’s causing friction. Are we being unreasonable to not want to change our plans and not want to have to cook dinner ourselves when we were looking forward to going out?

Your half sister and family just fancy Christmas dinner for free, who wouldn't? Stick to your guns OP.

Group message to family

dear all, there has been some discussion about changing the arrangements for this year’s Christmas dinner. Please be advised I have no intention of hosting Christmas lunch or subsidising our meal out and I intend to honour our existing booking. If you therefore feel you are unable to attend under these circumstances please let me know so I can amend the booking. If the restaurant are kind enough to deduct the full deposit from the final bill I will of course refund that at a later stage.

all other arrangements for hosting over the Christmas period currently remain unchanged.

looking forward to seeing you all

then disengage from any further discussions on the matter.

OP has made it clear they don’t want to cook. Looks like it’s their Christmas tradition which is completely valid. Different people do Christmas in different ways. Yes it’s expensive but the SIL agreed months ago. Perhaps their situation has changed but if sil were me I would apologise, say keep the deposit and we’ll do our own Christmas this year and hopefully join in next. I would not be demanding a freebie for my entire family.

Good email message.

Maybe it’s time to put an end to the current arrangements. Just say you are not changing the current arrangements and that it is up to them whether they visit or not. Then the ball is in their court and if they decide not to come it will probably be less stressful for you and you can enjoy quality time with your sister. The year I decided not to go home anymore with the kids at Christmas (I lived abroad) was such a relief.

Correct and £100 for everything else for Christmas dinner, all from M&S.

I don’t think £100 for potatoes,sides, desserts with sauces, starters, cheese, bread etc would be enough to buy 15 portions at M&S

unless the £400 is for a very simple Christmas which the OP’s family don’t do as they normally have a lavish meal at a restaurant!

Merry Christmas OP - spend the day in the kitchen and then enjoy a slice of turkey with a potato, some sprouts and a spoonful of bisto

I feel for you OP.
Christmas is a very special time of year and what’s special to YOU (eating out) obviously isn’t as special to other members of your family.
I really, really dislike this phrase but (here goes)….you do you.
It’s not like you’re saying you don’t want to see your relatives at all over the Christmas period.
Good luck. Be assertive, calm but, above all, stay firm.
God, why does the combination of family + Christmas = stress???

I have no idea where you got £100 for 15 people from.

Cheeky fuckers. Just keep saying no and leave it at that. I wouldnt even entertain an argument about it

The OP has covered all of that if I’ve understood it correctly. The sister did know the cost when they booked it, hence it being annoying she’s kicking off about it now.

The OP always eats out, even when she goes near her family. The rest of the family rotate going to each other’s houses while the OP’s family go out. So she’s not taking advantage by only choosing to go out the years she’s hosting. Also when she is away she stays in a hotel, when they come to her she puts everyone up so presumably caters more meals and hassle than they do for her, but she just likes to go out on Christmas Day.

I'm sure eating at home is only special to the sister because she expects it to cost her nothing and have it served up to her like shes in a restaurant anyway!

If the usual plan is for everyone to come Christmas Eve, then I would make it very clear that is off. Half sister and mum can’t come to yours and stay there whilst you go out for dinner. They can make their own Christmas Day plans at one of their own houses! Let them pay for it and clear it up!

Because the OP would need to provide for 15 people and posters are arguing that £200 would cover the cost of a Christmas lunch for 5 people. It might do but the OP isn’t just cooking for 5!

Yes a pp said 1-200 for the turkey the. 100 for everything else from marks

Plus of course the lost deposit which seems to be at least £200

Just tell them them not to bother coming. They can change the arrangements when it is their turn.
I think your mum is terrible. Why on earth would she ask one of her children to pay for the other and their family.

Because the OP would need to provide for 15 people and posters are arguing that £200 would cover the cost of a Christmas lunch for 5 people. It might do but the OP isn’t just cooking for 5!

However I got the impression that regardless of how much Christmas dinner at home does/doesn't cost, that simply isn't the plan. The OP will be going out!!!

Because thats their tradition.
Given she's also hosting 15 for Christmas Eve and Boxing Day that seems pretty fair.

This 💯 Too late now to cancel the restaurant on Christmas day and tell them that. You'll all lose your deposits.

The OP's post last night at 19:35 "Cooking a full Christmas dinner for 15 people would be my idea of hell quite honestly and being together as a family wouldn’t be very much fun at all if I had to do that". The sister's family including herself, BIL and their 3 children is 5!

If I read your post correctly you are actually hosting quite a gang at your home?
I would tell your Mother, Partner etc. to have a whip round amongst themselves to pay for half-sister's lunch.
She has had twelve months to save enough but now expects you to pay for the entire family AND do all the work?
A big NO would be my answer.

I can't imagine a situation where what they are suggesting is right or fair! She can't demand you cook Christmas dinner for X people just because she can't afford to eat out!

I'd nip this in the bud and send a message saying you, your DH and children will still be eating at the restaurant but they are more than welcome to sort alternative plans for themselves if it is no longer in their budget.

This isn't your problem to sort. I bet your mom wouldn't be saying it's her obligation to pay for them or cook for them if it were her turn hosting.

Why are people suggesting cooking at home/talking about how THEY'RE perfectly happy to cook when the OP's said that is not her position?
She agreed knowing the price .If money is tight then she's had ages to save up for it or to change her mind sooner. I also have no sympathy given that they stay with the OP and the OP pays for all other food and drinks (although I'd question why; if I stay with someone I offer to cook/pay for a takeaway or meals out) adn that when the OP visits them, her family stay in a hotel at their own expense.

I'd say lightly but firmly these are the plans, everyone please let me know by x date what you're doing so I can confirm with the restaurant, and not enter into any further discussion.

It's very unreasonable of anyone to tell someone else they need to cook and host Christmas dinner. It's unfair and unreasonable or your sister to try to change things now. Especially as you're already hosting these people at your house which involves expense and they don't reciprocate when you go to theirs.
Does your mum have form for siding with this sister over common sense?