Page 16 | To refuse to cancel going out for Xmas dinner in these circumstances?

dodgercity · Today 11:00

No of course you’re not being unreasonable, OP.

EveryoneUsingOutro · Today 11:05

NothingDefinite · Yesterday 18:48

My mum suggested that we, as in me and my husband, pay for half sister, her partner and children. She thinks we should as it’s ’our year’. That has never been the arrangement, we all pay for ourselves.

They already all stay with us and we pay for all other food and drinks when they’re here. When we go to them, we stay in a hotel at our expense.

Edited

Show quote history

They are all a bunch of cheeky cunts and I’d tell them all to get to fuck with their ideas!

MajorProcrastination · Today 11:07

mindutopia · Yesterday 18:51

So basically instead of paying £50 for dinner, she wants YOU to shop for and make a £200 dinner to feed everyone because it will be cheaper for her? She’s being ridiculous, but to make a point I’d agree on the condition she does all the food shopping and brings it with her and you cook. We host every year and it’s bloody expensive!

It's more like £140 per adult and this half sister has a partner and 3 kids so that'll be hundreds of pounds not just £50. (My initial thoughts were the same as yours)

EveryoneUsingOutro · Today 11:12

GintyMcGinty · Yesterday 19:12

You are all missing the point of Christmas and being together as a family.

It’s sad that you are putting going to a restaurant first.

The martyrdom on this site is unreal sometimes. Women don’t need to sacrifice themselves for “faaaaaaamilly”. Won’t someone think of the chilllllllldreeeeen?

SpainToday · Today 11:14

I can kind of tell from your posts that you are wealthy (expensive meals, hotels at Christmas)

Not necessarily. We do all of the above, we are not wealthy, but we save up for things

SilverTotoro · Today 11:14

while I can see everyone’s pov you are definitely NBU. Your sister knew the cost when she agreed to attend if that now isn’t affordable then she should bow out and let everyone else enjoy the meal as planned. I’d have more sympathy for her position if she was alone but as she has a partner and children there’s no reason why they can’t visit you on the days either side as you suggested and have Xmas day just her own family at home. If your mum is that bothered she should cover the full cost for their family or go to your sisters house instead.

EveryoneUsingOutro · Today 11:14

Rayqueen84 · Yesterday 19:14

Hmmm totally different view, do you think it's easy for some of us who live pay day to pay day to come up with funds for a meal or treat days. Now I can save absolutely for our treats however should dh car suddenly need a new tyre tomorrow then that's part of the treat money gone. It's not exactly easy to say erm I can't afford it this time I'm sorry due to something unexpected happening. We don't all have spare money lying around and have to save for things so I could absolutely say right now yes we will come for Xmas lunch out and then tomorrow something goes on the car messing those nice plans

Edited

But would you have the fucking cheek to then insist someone else pays out mega £££ and spends all day cooking to host you at their home for free?

DraigCymraeg · Today 11:16

AlphaApple · Today 09:25

There was a drip-feed later on in the thread that it was not just the sister, but her husband and three children as well. That's quite a lot of money.

Show quote history

Thank you - I didn't see that.

Wexone · Today 11:16

AlphaApple · Today 09:25

There was a drip-feed later on in the thread that it was not just the sister, but her husband and three children as well. That's quite a lot of money.

Show quote history

It was made clear to sister at time of booking of how much costs were and she had to pay a deposit too, that was when she should have said no this is too much money we cant particiapte

JustGetStarted · Today 11:18

AlphaApple · Today 09:25

There was a drip-feed later on in the thread that it was not just the sister, but her husband and three children as well. That's quite a lot of money.

Show quote history

How was it a drip feed? The OP mentioned her half sisters family in the OP. She knew the price and how many kids she had back when it was booked.

They’re being very rude OP. If she can’t afford it, she’ll have to make other arrangements. Expecting you to go from having a meal out to having to cook for so many people is completely unreasonable, especially when you already provide everything else for them when they visit.

Notonthestairs · Today 11:19

Hotmess101 · Today 10:19

I don’t know. I can kind of tell from your posts that you are wealthy (expensive meals, hotels at Christmas) but you have a moral objection to helping out your half sister. That’s your look-out I suppose, but I always think of the nice things I’d do for others if I had some spare cash. In fact, I do nice things for others even though I’m skint!! If I had the kind of income that would allow me to pay/chip in for a family member then I would. I don’t think anyone can really advise you as it’s just personal choice.

She’s hosting them for multiple days including Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. I would say that was pretty generous

EveryoneUsingOutro · Today 11:19

Jk987 · Yesterday 19:32

Is she on a low wage/ high rent? If so, half sister puts in what she can afford £40/50? The others chip in for the rest.

And her partner and 3 kids???

MsSquiz · Today 11:22

SandyCastles · Today 09:37

Lol. It's besides the point, but as if OP has a standard kitchen.

Anyone who can accommodate 15 people in their house over the whole Christmas Period is not living in a standard house.

In fact the only way that this scenario makes sense (the sister, and weirdly, her own mother assuming OP will pay an extra £500 out at their request) is if her family think she is loaded, it doesn't make it right, but the clues are there as to why her family feel it is the appropriate response to her sister no being able to afford to go with them.

Show quote history

My sister in law used to cook for 14 at Christmas and while she had enough space to host, she had a 4 ring hob, 1 oven and a warming drawer! Just because you have the space to host, it doesn’t mean you the appliances to handle cooking Christmas lunch for 15 people.

and anyone who feels entitled enough to assume someone should host their family over Christmas, cook for 15 people and not pay a penny towards it, is insane! Family or not!

MsSquiz · Today 11:24

AutumnLover1999 · Today 10:06

No because it could possibly backfire on OP 😕

Show quote history

If they can afford to cover those costs, they can afford to go out for lunch, as arranged. So not quite a “backfire”

EveryoneUsingOutro · Today 11:25

silentreflux · Yesterday 19:45

I think she is being unreasonable for backing out at the last minute. But £140 for adults and there are 15 people? I can think of lots of things I’d rather spend £1000 (+) on - could you not just order it all from M&S and share the load? Seems very wasteful to me!

Op doesn’t want to cook.
Op likes the tradition of going out for Cmas lunch.

It doesn’t matter if you think it’s “wasteful” or not!

If they are cheeky enough to suggest OP hosts at her expense do you really think they will pitch in and help???

EmotionalSupportCuttlefish · Today 11:26

NothingDefinite · Yesterday 18:48

My mum suggested that we, as in me and my husband, pay for half sister, her partner and children. She thinks we should as it’s ’our year’. That has never been the arrangement, we all pay for ourselves.

They already all stay with us and we pay for all other food and drinks when they’re here. When we go to them, we stay in a hotel at our expense.

Edited

Show quote history

So she is a massively entitled brat basically.

MsSquiz · Today 11:26

Hotmess101 · Today 10:19

I don’t know. I can kind of tell from your posts that you are wealthy (expensive meals, hotels at Christmas) but you have a moral objection to helping out your half sister. That’s your look-out I suppose, but I always think of the nice things I’d do for others if I had some spare cash. In fact, I do nice things for others even though I’m skint!! If I had the kind of income that would allow me to pay/chip in for a family member then I would. I don’t think anyone can really advise you as it’s just personal choice.

How can you tell the OP is wealthy? Maybe they actively save throughout the year to allow for these things at Christmas?

notspringingback · Today 11:30

I voted YANBU because she previously agreed to it and you also put them up and feed them for their stay which is very generous of you. Especially when no-one does that for you in return.

All that being said it's a lot of money for Christmas lunch so I can understand why she might be thinking twice. She is being very unreasonable to expect you all to change plans now though, if I was her I'd have Christmas lunch at home and join you later.

JustGetStarted · Today 11:31

WouldRatherBeOnaBeach · Today 10:02

Totally agree with you. Although, she shouldn’t really be asking you to change your plans or cook, she should politely be pulling out.

It sounded initially like she was young and single, a student maybe. But then transpired she had her own family, which for me makes it very odd. She must have an understanding of budgets etc and the amount of work involved too.

It also says a lot that she expects to stay with you for free while you pay for everything and when you go there, you foot bills and pay for hotels.

Is it a very one sided relationship? It’s reading like that!

I would argue that as it’s been agreed already and money has been paid, you can’t/won’t be changing the plans now.

She seems really unreasonable to be volunteering you to do all the work for free when you were thinking you were going out for a relaxing meal!
Your mother seems unreasonable for pressuring you into changing plans /paying for this lady and her whole family just because she has changed her mind….

Time for some new traditions for you!! Maybe this year, the restaurant, next year a trip abroad!! 😂😂

Show quote history

It sounded initially like she was young and single, a student maybe. But then transpired she had her own family, which for me makes it very odd. She must have an understanding of budgets etc and the amount of work involved too.

No it didn’t. OP said ‘My family (mum and her partner, my sister and half sister and their families) are due to visit and stay with us for a few days over Xmas.’ in her first post.

Saying ‘and their families’ implied she had a partner and/or children, not that she was young and single.

Inertia · Today 11:35

JustGetStarted · Today 11:31

It sounded initially like she was young and single, a student maybe. But then transpired she had her own family, which for me makes it very odd. She must have an understanding of budgets etc and the amount of work involved too.

No it didn’t. OP said ‘My family (mum and her partner, my sister and half sister and their families) are due to visit and stay with us for a few days over Xmas.’ in her first post.

Saying ‘and their families’ implied she had a partner and/or children, not that she was young and single.

Edited

Show quote history

The families could have belonged to mum/partner and other sister.

Even if you read it as half-sister having her own family, that might just be one small baby. It wasn’t immediately obvious that half-sister also had a partner and several children.

WouldRatherBeOnaBeach · Today 11:40

JustGetStarted · Today 11:31

It sounded initially like she was young and single, a student maybe. But then transpired she had her own family, which for me makes it very odd. She must have an understanding of budgets etc and the amount of work involved too.

No it didn’t. OP said ‘My family (mum and her partner, my sister and half sister and their families) are due to visit and stay with us for a few days over Xmas.’ in her first post.

Saying ‘and their families’ implied she had a partner and/or children, not that she was young and single.

Edited

Show quote history

It did, to me and LOTS of other who I have seen asked the same re her being young.

This woman DOES sound young and also MASSIVELY NAIVE to expect the world to revolve around her.

Why are you starting on me? Sending a message like this, you can read and just move on with your life love. You don’t need to reply to someone who isn’t the poster to tell them you don’t agree with them.
You aren’t that important to them. You also weren’t the person who initially asked the question….neither was the responder messaging you, they were talking to the Op…

Read and move on. Goodness me. What is wrong with people?? 😂😂😂😂😂😂

JustGetStarted · Today 11:42

WouldRatherBeOnaBeach · Today 11:40

It did, to me and LOTS of other who I have seen asked the same re her being young.

This woman DOES sound young and also MASSIVELY NAIVE to expect the world to revolve around her.

Why are you starting on me? Sending a message like this, you can read and just move on with your life love. You don’t need to reply to someone who isn’t the poster to tell them you don’t agree with them.
You aren’t that important to them. You also weren’t the person who initially asked the question….neither was the responder messaging you, they were talking to the Op…

Read and move on. Goodness me. What is wrong with people?? 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Show quote history

Love? Oh dear.

AlphaApple · Today 11:44

JustGetStarted · Today 11:31

It sounded initially like she was young and single, a student maybe. But then transpired she had her own family, which for me makes it very odd. She must have an understanding of budgets etc and the amount of work involved too.

No it didn’t. OP said ‘My family (mum and her partner, my sister and half sister and their families) are due to visit and stay with us for a few days over Xmas.’ in her first post.

Saying ‘and their families’ implied she had a partner and/or children, not that she was young and single.

Edited

Show quote history

The rest of the OP refers only to "my half sister" as an individual, saying she can't afford it - it doesn't mention her husband or three children. I think it's reasonable that some posters assumed the half sister was single:

My half sister doesn’t always join us but does sometimes and is this year.
We all agreed on the restaurant for Christmas Day a few months ago and I booked it. My half sister is now saying she can’t afford it and wants us to host Xmas dinner at home. We really don’t want to do that as we look forward to going out for it, not cooking and just relaxing.
I’ve suggested that she comes before or after Xmas for a day or two instead but she thinks that’s unfair

WhereYouLeftIt · Today 11:45

NothingDefinite · Yesterday 23:15

We tend to stay in a hotel for 3/4 nights and always eat in a restaurant on Xmas day so they don’t cook. We have breakfast and dinner, just us and our kids if they are with us. My mum, sister and half sister host a lunch each. My half sister doesn’t always join us for Christmas Day dinner as she sees other family and sometimes we don’t see her at all over the period when we visit.

Show quote history

So - no matter where Christmas Day is spent, Christmas Dinner is ALWAYS in a restaurant.

And even when Christmas Dinner is in a restaurant local to her, it's not a given that she'll attend.

"My half sister is now saying she can’t afford it and wants us to host Xmas dinner at home."
Why? This Christmas Dinner with her mum's family is clearly not a priority for her when it is held locally to her, so why MUST she attend when it is not local to her and the host MUST change all plans to suit her claim that she can't afford it?

"I’ve suggested that she comes before or after Xmas for a day or two instead but she thinks that’s unfair and doesn’t see why we can’t just cook dinner at home."
Clearly she's never cooked Christmas Dinner for 15 people. I have, and it was a fuckton of work - which I did willingly. Had I been looking forward to going out instead and someone INSISTED that I do all that work, I'd have told them to fuck off in no uncertain manner.

"My mum is siding with her and it’s causing friction."
And so really, it is your mother's stance that is the cause of the problem, so it is your mother I would be taking to task here. It would just be a blunt 'no' to my half-sister - no I am not cooking dinner for 15 when the restaurant is already booked as we have always done every year to date; come or don't come, we are not changing the arrangements. But I'd be having words with my mother along the lines of WTF if you want her there you pay and WTF expecting me to take on such a gargantuan amount of work. If that's the Christmas you want, you either host or you pay, do NOT even think about pulling this sort of stunt on the rest of us. Are you sure you want to come at all? Because I don't want to be sitting at Christmas Dinner with you if you're going to have a face like a slapped arse throughout.

Or, you could be more diplomatic than I would be and suggest sweetly that since dearest half-sister is in such financial difficulty perhaps you mother dearest would prefer to stay at home (losing your deposit, oh how sad) and cook for yourselves and half-sister's family instead - my family and sister's family will spend Christmas at mine as per original arrangements, but be assured we will be thinking of you as we savour the meal in our lovely restaurant.

Because it's your mother taking a hand in this that has really caused the issue.

EveryoneUsingOutro · Today 11:47

Grammarnut · Yesterday 21:21

Why not have Christmas dinner at home? Everyone brings a dish so that no-one has to cook the lot. Dreadful that your DS can't afford an expensive meal and so on the occasion she can join everyone she is told she can't - that is being very unreasonable and I am with your DM, on this. Honestly, if you must go out then the easiest thing to do is to split the food bill between all of you so that your DS is covered. of course. (And no-one ever mentions that this was done, not ever.)
But I hate the idea of going out to Christmas dinner - ugh. Lovely to be at home, smell of good cooking, everyone slightly merry and passing round chocs and gossip, presents and wrappings everywhere as we all thank each other for presents we really didn't think of wanting but now find adorable. Beats a restaurant hands down.

Again, for the hard of reading, OP doesn’t WANT TO COOK and PAY for an Xmas Day dinner for an entire tribe of ungrateful CF’s!!
Why this insistence that just because you have an apparently blissful Xmas at home, that is what everyone enjoys?
OP has said their tradition is to go out and relax and enjoy a meal together. Not be stuck in the kitchen.