To refuse to cancel going out for Xmas dinner in these circumstances?

[NothingDefinite]

My family (mum and her partner, my sister and half sister and their families) are due to visit and stay with us for a few days over Xmas. We live about 150 miles from them so we alternate spending Christmas in the two places, although we always go out for Christmas dinner. My half sister doesn’t always join us but does sometimes and is this year.

We all agreed on the restaurant for Christmas Day a few months ago and I booked it. My half sister is now saying she can’t afford it and wants us to host Xmas dinner at home. We really don’t want to do that as we look forward to going out for it, not cooking and just relaxing.

I’ve suggested that she comes before or after Xmas for a day or two instead but she thinks that’s unfair and doesn’t see why we can’t just cook dinner at home. My mum is siding with her and it’s causing friction. Are we being unreasonable to not want to change our plans and not want to have to cook dinner ourselves when we were looking forward to going out?

I can see both sides, that's a LOT of money to spend on a glorified roast dinner, and there's five of them. She might have felt pressured into agreeing to the plan in the first place, or there could be other things going on that are affecting her finances.

However, she could just decline and not expect the whole family to change their plans.

It's up to you whether you decide if the family fall-out is worth it.

There was a drip-feed later on in the thread that it was not just the sister, but her husband and three children as well. That's quite a lot of money.

And I think actually being able to cook a massive meal for 15 people in a standard home kitchen is almost impossible. Just cooking sunday lunch for 5 in my kitchen is like the crystal fucking maze

So she wants a free Christmas lunch and stay at your house?

sorry if I’ve missed it, but for how many days do they stay with you?

my response would be to call their bluff… ok, well stay home for lunch but you will all need to contribute to the food and drinks that will be needed over their stay… I would think that will cost more than their lunch!

It was agreed several months ago. She could have said no if they couldn't afford it, or she could have saved up.

I like that idea, get AI to do you up a shopping list of all the food and drink for their stay, divide by number of people and send it in the group chat.

Lol. It's besides the point, but as if OP has a standard kitchen.

Anyone who can accommodate 15 people in their house over the whole Christmas Period is not living in a standard house.

In fact the only way that this scenario makes sense (the sister, and weirdly, her own mother assuming OP will pay an extra £500 out at their request) is if her family think she is loaded, it doesn't make it right, but the clues are there as to why her family feel it is the appropriate response to her sister no being able to afford to go with them.

I meant it was quite a lot of money for other people to chip in to cover their costs, as others have suggested.

Tell your sister this has been arranged for months and it is what you all want to do, and therefore will not be changed because she has suddenly decided she can't afford it. Tell her you understand if she can't join you. End of discussion.

She has said no, that's what the whole thread is about.

In fairness to the sister anything could have happened recently to mean she can't justify spending that amount on one meal now, and she has given plenty of notice to say she can't pay for it now.

The only unreasonable part is her thinking OP should pay for them, instead of just staying at OPs house while everyone goes out for dinner, or coming on boxing day instead, there are other solutions but it's interesting that all OPs family has jumped to OP paying for them as the way forward.

YANBU, OP. Don't entertain any further discussions about it, except to ask your stepsister to confirm by x date whether she and her family will be coming to your place before or after Christmas day, so you can ensure there is sufficient food in for their visit. Go to the restaurant and have a great time on Christmas day.

"You are welcome to pay for DS and her family if you want. You are welcome to host DS and her family if you want. I am going to xx for dinner."

Totally agree with you. Although, she shouldn’t really be asking you to change your plans or cook, she should politely be pulling out.

It sounded initially like she was young and single, a student maybe. But then transpired she had her own family, which for me makes it very odd. She must have an understanding of budgets etc and the amount of work involved too.

It also says a lot that she expects to stay with you for free while you pay for everything and when you go there, you foot bills and pay for hotels.

Is it a very one sided relationship? It’s reading like that!

I would argue that as it’s been agreed already and money has been paid, you can’t/won’t be changing the plans now.

She seems really unreasonable to be volunteering you to do all the work for free when you were thinking you were going out for a relaxing meal!
Your mother seems unreasonable for pressuring you into changing plans /paying for this lady and her whole family just because she has changed her mind….

Time for some new traditions for you!! Maybe this year, the restaurant, next year a trip abroad!! 😂😂

Yes this. And of course that would mean everyone in the party has lost their deposit. At £50 a head that's a significant sum

No because it could possibly backfire on OP 😕

It's fine to suggest a change of plans due to your personal finances, but it's not okay to suggest a change that means someone else has to house and host you so you can save money. If you want an at-home Christmas, YOU do the hosting in YOUR home. By all means ask your guests to bring something, but you don't place the entire burden on someone else for something YOU want. Your sister is cheeky.

I don’t know. I can kind of tell from your posts that you are wealthy (expensive meals, hotels at Christmas) but you have a moral objection to helping out your half sister. That’s your look-out I suppose, but I always think of the nice things I’d do for others if I had some spare cash. In fact, I do nice things for others even though I’m skint!! If I had the kind of income that would allow me to pay/chip in for a family member then I would. I don’t think anyone can really advise you as it’s just personal choice.

Playing a little devils advocate, could she have had an unexpected expense come up since she agreed to pay initially that has made it unaffordable for them?

If so, she obviously needs to be honest with you about that and ask politely for help. As she agreed to pay months ago, expecting you all to lose the deposit, as well as then host a meal that you don't want to do. Or make demands of you.

If not, assuming they just didn't budget appropriately for the agreed plans, she just has to pull out and arrange a christmas she can afford. Not impact everyone else. And still be polite about it! Its not your fault that she agreed to something that is now unaffordable for her.

Does she pay anything for food while she's with you, or does she just think she'll get fed for free if you cook at home instead of going out? YANBU

It isn't impossible, our last kitchen was quite small, an extension behind the garage, but one year we had 16 to lunch, the biggest problem was where everyone would be sitting! As the OP is providing everything for them all on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day they're being the ultimate CFs for expecting the whole party to change the long-standing arrangements just because they ignored the cost until now. If others are daft enough to subsidise them this year, they'll never pay again.

Lifes tough at the moment for lots of reasons. She has been honest and up front, she cant afford to eat out for christmas day which having gone through it for years i know is really expensive.

Thats not her being nasty, its just how it is.

Its absolutely your perrogative to be able to afford to eat out and not want the hastle. Again i dont see it as you being nasty either.

This is just how life is, difficult decisions for everyone. As long as everyone approaches it that you all want to be together then maybe a happy compromise is there. I voted YABU but i dont really think you are.

Maybe not cover all their costs but if parents and yourself contribute something it may help her afford it. I guess they would have to contribute something even if you were cooking for everyone at home. Or are they being really cheeky and expecting you to pay for all the food if it was at your house.

On first read I thought half-sister was a single young woman, maybe a student, and thought it would be pretty mean to leave her on her own at Christmas when the other adults could probably chip in to cover her meal fairly easily.

But actually, it’s an entire family. They could have Christmas dinner at their own house , and then travel to you on Boxing Day. They don’t always spend Christmas with you so it isn’t a snub.

And the reciprocity argument of taking turns about doesn’t wash, because nobody cooks Christmas dinner for you when you travel. You pay out for hotels and 2/3 of your meals..

It sounds like your family may view you as their personal ATM - if you have a house big enough to host 4 families, are you more comfortably off, with the expectation that you will just pay?

Could all the families club together to buy the family meals as the Christmas presents for half-sister’s family, and buy small token presents for the children? Otherwise they can host their own Xmas day as cheaply as they want.

That’s extreme levels of cheeky fuckery, I can’t imagine what’s going through their minds but I can see where your half sister gets it from, if your mother is at it too,

your solution is a good one, see her at another time before or after, but asking you to cook for fifteen people or shell out hundreds for her families meal is shocking.

So it's your half-sister who is complaining about the cost, but she doesn't even always regularly join your family in this tradition. I'd tell her that you've already made the plans and aren't prepared to change them. She and her family can join you or not. If your mum and step-father (is he your half-sister's father?) want to pay for your half-sister's family to join you all, then fine. If your half-sister or mum says they're all pulling out of the restaurant meal, then it's up to them to organise an alternative, not you. You've already done the organising. And I wouldn't refund anyone's deposit either.

It is always the people who don’t have money who think everyone else should pay.
You don’t know that the OP is well off. Maybe she just budgets for things she needs and are coming up. Maybe she doesn’t waste money on things she doesn’t need.