Dh like a bad cloud

[Peopledecoratingforxmasalready]

Yesterday we were doing a neighbourhood activity for the kids, we do each year. I organise it all and others enjoy it. It's not lots of work, but does take some organising, shopping for supplies and so on. I'd planned it all last week, the only thing I needed help with was Dh dropping off small bags to around five different neighbours, whilst I sorted Dc and got myself ready.
He knows the neighbours well, they knew we'd drop it off and it's literally a 2 minute job.
His face was like thunder, stomping around saying 'Which houses is it then?!' I said there was a list on top of the printer, which he scoffed at, pulled an awful face and then couldn't find. I lost it with him and asked him exactly what was the problem, that I'd organised all this for the kids and just needed this one bit of help and that this was supposed to be a fun time. Dd came running in and said she didn't want to do it now as we were arguing. It was horrible. We had to put a happy face on as were then mixing with the neighbours, I also noticed the other dads being fun and more helpful.

What do you think is the problem here? I just find it so pathetic and don't understand it

I think it was the last minute panickness of the job which is clearly going to take more than 2 minutes as there are 5 houses to drop off bags to and “ neighbourhood “ could mean next door neighbours and 3 houses over the road or it could mean driving round several streets. Dropping off 1 bag to next door takes 2 minutes.
I suspect if earlier in the day the OP had given him the list and bags and asked him to do it whilst she dressed the kids it would have been fine although it sounds as though this isn’t something he enjoys or takes any part in. If he dislikes all activities involving the children it’s a problem but I wonder if when the OP suggested starting this activity with her friends he had said “ you can do it but I hate that sort of stuff “ which I can imagine my husband saying. I like dressing up he hates it. That is why I view this as the OP’s hobby, not her husband’s and her giving him a last minute delivery job in a rather chaotic manner. The OP also seems very black and white in her view of Halloween. If you are for it you are a wonderful person if you dislike Halloween you are mean and miserable.

Yup, I think you’ll find it in the same Venn diagram as Weaponised Incompetence on page 6 of The Useless Husband’s Handbook, or in chapter 3 of Husbanding For Dummies…

I am neither mean nor miserable. And of course it’s not ‘dangerous’ to doubt people’s motivation.

Perhaps it is unintentional but ‘…, most of my time is spent doing things I don't particularly want to, but it makes them happy’ does sound like you martyr yourself for others, which is a shame.

You admit you blew up at him so it sounds like you behaved as badly as each other.

It's not a shame, it's part of being a parent, it's not being a martyr it's just the way it is, i'm not complaining about it, I had 38 years to do as I pleased. Some people are just selfish though!

Exactly!

No shes doing stuff for her kids. I know the bar for men is low, but painting involved parenting as a hobby that he gets to opt out of, frankly, is pushing the bar to subterranean levels.

You made it sound like you are slightly resentful - I guess it’s hard to tell from the written word 🤷‍♀️

Why is it assumed her way is only way to parent? I did different things with my parents growing up we do different things as parents ourselves why is it always assumed the mothers way is the only way, especially going by a one sided thread starter

He sounds awful OP not exactly a hard task for him to do was it. you are a great mum making sure the kids had a fun Halloween

How does he deal with shame? He could be a massive prick or he could be someone who gets afraid of getting stuff wrong so doesn't want to do it and rather admit or face up to the fear, throws a tantrum. Does he also belittle your achievements and over egg his because if you do it then he feels bad?

I had one like this...

You can only be in a relationship with the guy you picked, and you didn’t pick one that enjoyed girl-fridaying local family/community stuff. Yes that’s annoying. I have one of my own who rarely does any of the faff stuff related to the kids, and I look at other dads who are super involved and think my friends are bloody lucky, but if I force him to do stuff he does it with a black cloud and I don’t want to put my kids through that.

Honestly, it’s amazing what some people would put up with in their relationships. But if you enable and normalise behaviour like this then you’re either some kind of martyr, and/or only have yourself to blame when you’re left to do everything for - and with - your joint children. A hobby!? Ffs 🤦🏼‍♀️