Dh like a bad cloud

[Peopledecoratingforxmasalready]

Yesterday we were doing a neighbourhood activity for the kids, we do each year. I organise it all and others enjoy it. It's not lots of work, but does take some organising, shopping for supplies and so on. I'd planned it all last week, the only thing I needed help with was Dh dropping off small bags to around five different neighbours, whilst I sorted Dc and got myself ready.
He knows the neighbours well, they knew we'd drop it off and it's literally a 2 minute job.
His face was like thunder, stomping around saying 'Which houses is it then?!' I said there was a list on top of the printer, which he scoffed at, pulled an awful face and then couldn't find. I lost it with him and asked him exactly what was the problem, that I'd organised all this for the kids and just needed this one bit of help and that this was supposed to be a fun time. Dd came running in and said she didn't want to do it now as we were arguing. It was horrible. We had to put a happy face on as were then mixing with the neighbours, I also noticed the other dads being fun and more helpful.

What do you think is the problem here? I just find it so pathetic and don't understand it

Hosting / organising / doing this kind of thing is some people’s idea of hell. Me included.

It goes well beyond routine parenting and ‘making things nice for the DC’. This isn’t ‘low bar’ stuff IMO.

That said, if you consulted DH on your plans and he agreed to it, he should do his bit with better grace.

Sounds like a case where he didn’t fancy doing it when it came to it. It would have been better to say so before you organised it.

I don't know if my DH suddenly asked me to go and deliver bags to a selection of our neighbours I would be thinking he'd lost the plot. If he was planning some sort of party and this was a vital detail I would have hoped he would have sorted it in advance. I might do it but I wouldn't be happy about it. (What were the bags for?).

I'd ask him directly to explain why he was so unreasonable when you asked him to do one small job in contribution to this kids event.
If it's he couldn't be arsed ...that needs addressing ,if a man cant be arsed for his kids thats a worry. If its he felt you should do it....again needs addressing,if he doesn't want to help you with something for his kids again that's a worry.
Whatever his reason it might be helpful to know and discuss .

I know exactly what you’re describing. I have one of these types myself. Needs his ego stroked to do the bare minimum and doesn’t see how much I do to keep the household afloat. Both work full time (I earn a third more than him) I do more housework, take care of the children and plan childcare etc. All the life admin.

I asked him for a lift to a children’s activity 10 minutes away as we were running late. I do it for the children but the eye rolling, sighing and martyr complex for every minor interaction has ground me down to nothing.

The one bone of contention in my parents' long marriage was my mum's ability to volunteer my dad for something - which she then tried to continue with her kids. My sister is the only one who entertains her nonsense, the rest of us leave her to explain to her acquaintances why we won't do their wills/house purchase/marketing/tutoring etc. You sound a little bit like my mum so I would guess that this isn't the first time you've decided he needs to do something for you.

hobby?🤣 doesn’t sound like a hobby to me.

Also, doesn’t matter if he finds it fun, she’s asked him to do a 2 minute job.

It's not. Cleaning the house you live in is a necessity. Doing things for other people's children is not. It's lovely that OP wants to do it but most people don't.
It does seem like the neighbours are taking the piss when OP is organising and holding a party for Halloween every year and also arranging things to be dropped off. Where is the contribution from the other parents? I'd be expecting them to come and collect themselves.

Yep. That's what I already do with the majority of things!

I just do not get what was the problem here?! and why be so fucking miserable when it comes to a supposedly fun activity for the kids. It really is making me look at things

Hosting parties with festive, organised activities for multiple neighbours’ DC isn’t ‘the bare minimum’ or even necessarily’for the kids’.

Some men and women don’t want to do it. Doesn’t mean we don’t do lots of stuff for our DC.

He should, though, have been better if he agreed to do it.

I’m guessing it was some sort of halloween party and if so (or similar) it’s really nice of you to spend your time and money doing something for the kids. Your dh sounds like a miserable arse. I’d have told him to take his foul mood upstairs out of the way to avoid ruining the atmosphere for people who actually want to have a good time. Yanbu op.

But why wouldn't you be happy about it? It's not suddenly been asked of him, it's the third year running and such a small thing compared to everything else. Again, i'll just do it myself nect year, then he'll absolutely f all to do aside from turn up

It's awful and so bloody unfair

Whatever your thoughts on Halloween (FWIW I hate it) it's an annual event that many, many families enjoy and make an effort for.

It's not a bloody hobby.

Would this inconvenience cause you to create a horrible atmosphere for your kids before the party?

These situations sound nothing alike at all!

Ugh. This would annoy me too. Of course he doesn’t ‘have’ to do it, but would it have really hurt him to do so without it all the fuss? Or, even better, do it with a smile and maybe spend 5 seconds saying something nice to you about your efforts? It’s clearly important to you.

It would have made all the difference to you, made you feel a lot more loving towards him in return, been a lot nicer for your daughter, and would likely have been quicker than arguing with you about it!

Anyway, you have sympathy from me. Don’t let ole’ misery-guts get you down!

He couldn't be bothered. He's not remotely involved and I suspect that this isn't the only example you can think of.

Thank you, this is how it felt and then with Dd getting upset too, just ruined it

What a depressing response. Men only have to do tasks they enjoy, find relevant and have been given plenty of advance notice for. Imagine how much collective energy women would have left over if they didn't have to carefully soothe action out of the overgrown little babies.

I'm not sure you losing it at his and the shouting being loud enough for your daughter to hear and become distressed is helping, that's for sure. do you often lose it at him when he doesn't live up to your expectations?

Yes this, even volunteer/ask if I needed help with anything would be so lovely

This. All very well saying he didn’t choose to do it, but mums don’t have that luxury, or our kids wouldn’t go to parties, have play dates, or do anything nice or exciting really.

I also have a grumpy DH, although it’s on and off and 80% of the time he’s ok. But he’s got some chronic pain going on at the moment and he’s an absolute nightmare. I know what you mean by ‘black cloud’; when he’s in that mood he ruins everything and stamps around muttering to himself and I fucking HATE it. Not in the least because I would like to shout and mutter myself but somebody has to keep the atmosphere nice so there I am jollying it all along. I find it so selfish.

I saw on here once somebody suggested it’s what a lot of men do in mid life, because their lives become more ‘female’ - they’re no longer the young red blooded man they used to be, they’re past their prime and they are actually expected to muck in with raising their own kids, and being part of the household more than just sitting in a chair with a newspaper. Makes sense.

such a small job and yet you lost it at him and upset your daughter.

I didn't shout, instead of just trying to keep it inside, I said 'What is the problem? Etc. He looked shocked as if he has no idea and seemed angry at me for it