Dh like a bad cloud

[Peopledecoratingforxmasalready]

Yesterday we were doing a neighbourhood activity for the kids, we do each year. I organise it all and others enjoy it. It's not lots of work, but does take some organising, shopping for supplies and so on. I'd planned it all last week, the only thing I needed help with was Dh dropping off small bags to around five different neighbours, whilst I sorted Dc and got myself ready.
He knows the neighbours well, they knew we'd drop it off and it's literally a 2 minute job.
His face was like thunder, stomping around saying 'Which houses is it then?!' I said there was a list on top of the printer, which he scoffed at, pulled an awful face and then couldn't find. I lost it with him and asked him exactly what was the problem, that I'd organised all this for the kids and just needed this one bit of help and that this was supposed to be a fun time. Dd came running in and said she didn't want to do it now as we were arguing. It was horrible. We had to put a happy face on as were then mixing with the neighbours, I also noticed the other dads being fun and more helpful.

What do you think is the problem here? I just find it so pathetic and don't understand it

Ah that’s it, women do everything, men do nothing, everyone’s happy (apart from women)

It can’t be defended. Only to those Mumsnetters for whom men can do no wrong. And sadly there are plenty of them.

I think they’re just bullies who enjoy sticking the boot in so will always find something wrong with OP

He didn’t want to do it and resented being coerced into it.
I do think it’s a shame given this was something for the children, but he probably wanted to be left in peace to watch the football or something. Not very supportive.

Maybe this is your wake up call. Have a good think about what he brings to the family, and have a talk about what isn't working.

So what’s your point here ? Do you think any of this excuses the reason OP was annoyed at him ? That he’s a grumpy shitbag who’s happy to leave all the grunt work to her ?

It sounds from your updates likes he’s miserable and lazy in general.

But for a potential other perspective, I can imagine in that specific scenario, my DH being very irritated by a similar request, because he would see it along the lines of, I decided to do something complicated at Halloween involving with the neighbours, and then ran out of time so made it into his problem, giving him a job I knew he’d hate. When I didn’t have to make life so complicated in the first place. Is there possibly a bit of that going on? Where you maybe subconsciously set him up with a job you knew he would’nt like, so you could feel morally suerpior to him when he inevitably got in a strop about it?

And then stand back, watch him ramp up the weaponised incompetence and you end up doing everything yourself. Is your bar really this low IRL ?

We all take on tasks that we dont especially enjoy to make things fun for the kids. But I have to admit if my partner wants me to do something extra that I don't especially enjoy, I appreciate being asked if I mind before we, as a couple, decide to take on the task.

YANBU if DH never wants to help with activities for the kids, help with holiday planning and preparation etc, or if you had already shared your plans with him and he knew what you’d like him to do to help, or if it’s an annual neighbourhood thing where the other mums and dads are also helping.

YABU if no other mums and dads are helping either. Why is it his responsibility to help
but not the other mums and dads? If it happens every year, then they should also know what needs doing and be offering to help. I can understand you being disappointed that he didn’t share your enthusiasm or want to help. Do the other parents contribute in any other way other than just turning up and saying they enjoyed it?

Ffs, yes, I was doing that, that is exactly what I was doing.

I would do anything to help my husband make things special for the kids....but knocking round to 5 neighbours houses? Absolutely not, no way. I hate doing that, small talk, etc. Not for me. My husband knows better than to ask me. Anything else, absolutely no problem.

I'm curious. Is he normally a social person when it comes to his own interests? I'm a mum and I pretty much do everything in the house, all the life admin and all the kids stuff. We both work full time but obviously only mums get the pleasure of having to do 2 jobs 😀 The thing is, I'm an introvert. I hate social interaction with people I don't know well. I've lived with it my whole life, you pretend you love being in the office all day every day, you pretend you love socialising for all school events, you pretend to love hanging out with all the extended friends and extended family. But it takes out of me so much. I would rather stay up all week making costumes and decorations and baking and preparing for my kids while doing full day of work during working hours then to "pop round the neighbours for 5 mins". My social meter is constantly full. My weekends and holidays not already spent socialising is the only time I get a respite where I could just be with husband and kids and recharge. I'd be very grumpy if an unexpected social interaction was sprung on me without notice however short. I have been brought to tears before when my husband said that a bunch of his friends and wives/gfs were in the area and will pop round to ours in half an hour for a bit.😅 Not saying it justifies being rude or ungrateful or unappreciative but just giving a different perspective.

Did you ask him what the issue is, or does he just resent you organising him. He probably thinks 'the whole thing is a waste of time and money. Its not as if you have to do it'

This "job" is so minor in the grand scheme of things though, I'm fairly introverted too but I'd do it, I wouldn't necessarily hang around on doorsteps chatting, I'd say here's your bag, enjoy the activity and move onto the next house.

There has to be something else behind this, like he's a misery guts or perhaps the OP was barking orders at him, and he got in a strop.

@Peopledecoratingforxmasalready my dh will never go with the flow when it comes to the dc and now our dgc.
He loves them but just won’t join in ‘fun things.’
I’ve been telling him for years that he needs to be more proactive.

Two months ago dd told me that, if necessary, when we’re elderly she and her dh agreed they would have me but not dh because he’s too difficult.
I told dh and he was shocked and for the first time in years is trying to be a more fun parent.
It gave him a kick up the butt.

Or perhaps he stopped being so uptight, hes actually enjoying himself

Or he could be really pissed off he was given such a mental job in the grand scheme of things

Menial not mental

I agree with this. I often tell DH that if he wants a clean house he should do it himself! After 20 years he's finally getting it, or at least stopped the interminable nagging.

Lots of people saying it's sad because he doesn't want to do something nice for his DC but I wonder if that's the core of the problem. He isn't worried about the DC having a nice time unless he doesn't have to join in, either he's put out because the DC always come first or because he'd rather have the time alone to do what he wants. Some men love the idea of being a Dad but only for the Disney moments that someone else has arranged

This.

I would have just excluded him from the event.

No one needs a miserable grown fucking man ruining the night.

Many fathers don't care about these elaborate arrangements for creating fun for children and really, you can't force them to care. They'd probably be happy with 1970s-style benign neglect. IME men are more likely to do spontaneous fun with kids than organise things in the way you describe, so he probably doesn't see the point of all the palaver (not my view, I love organised fun).

The solution to any situation in which you have different standards is to discuss and agree a middle ground, which you won't be able to do if you feel self-righteous and he feels resentful.

I would be very interested in husbands side of this, I bet there is form for this sort of over the top organising and expecting hubs to be involved whether he likes it or not

Bit like the way men say they ‘really want kids’ then leave everything bar making sure the kids are drawing breath to the woman, whether she likes it or not