to say no to sisters request for no alcohol over Xmas?

[ChristmasDrinking]

My sister has been in a relationship with a man since May. He used to have alcohol issues but has apparently been sober for 3 years. He seems nice and they seem happy.

We take it in turn to host Christmas and this year is our year. Everyone usually comes on Christmas Eve and goes home on Boxing Day. We have a party on Christmas Eve which includes alcohol, Christmas Day which includes drinks with dinner and a few drinks through the afternoon/evening and then a chilled out Boxing Day, which is usually a long walk with our dogs and a late lunch before everyone leaves.

My sister has requested that there be no alcohol this year due to her partner. I’m not particularly bothered as I don’t drink much, but my husband, adult children, my brother and his wife and my adult nieces would like to be able to have a drink.

I have suggested that my sister and her partner just come for Christmas dinner and we’ll have it with no alcohol, but she wants to be here for as long as everyone else. She is saying her partner is family and we should all be willing to have no alcohol for him.

AIBU to say no to her and that they can either just come for an alcohol free dinner, or accept that there will be some alcohol around due to it being our house, Christmas and other people wanting it.

Why on eaeth does she think Christmas revolves around her decision?

I bet he hasn't ask for this she is trying to be his mother

I dont drink during the day and not much on Christmas night and yes if i drank nothing i would still think Christmas doesn't need to revolve around one person's dramatics

She’s being unreasonable. Your offer of a sober Christmas dinner is generous given that it’s the time of year people like to let loose and indulge - and I say that as someone who drinks very little myself.

Is it his request or is your sister making it on his behalf? I’d be mortified to make this demand of an entire family I barely know!

I personally don’t drink alcohol at all. Like 0 whatsoever. I would absolutely never expect any family event to be alcohol free. Now, understandably I don’t suffer with any type of issues or trauma relating to alcoholism, it’s just a personal choice so obviously a lot different. With that said, everyone is free to do as they please, it’s unreasonable of your sister and her partner to expect a whole family to have Christmas alcohol free when some people literally look forward to Christmas for drinks and parties etc etc. It’s a shame if they can’t make the whole 3 days because of the alcohol issue, but it’s also not an issue for everyone else to solve. You’ve gave them a lovely option of an alcohol free dinner. It’s up to them what they choose to do.

Her request is unreasonable. I suggest you buy in some ginger beer, and then carry on as normal.

I think you’ve been more than generous to offer an alcohol free dinner. She is being very unreasonable.

It is a worry that he’s not able to be around normal festive occasions but if that’s really the case then it’s an issue for him, not anyone else.

My sister has been in a relationship with a man since May

She is saying her partner is family

Nope, nope, nope.

And I say that as part of an alcohol free household.

If the relationship lasts your dsis can't expect to have a no alcohol rule for every social event.
Ridiculous.

I agree. Alcohol exists its everywhere. At some point people will drink around him. Besides who's to say the relationship will even last.

I'm not a big drinker but I like to enjoy some alcohol on Christmas Day. I wouldn't agree to an alcohol free Christmas.

I think you've been very accommodating to offer an alcohol free meal. It's absolutely fine for people to choose not to drink but it's not fine to tell others what they must do. It's like 1 vegetarian at the table saying no one can have turkey because of their preferences.

If you have Christmas pudding you'll probably have to find one that doesn't contain alcohol - most do.

She's been dating him since May so no he isn't family.

And even if he was I applaud him for going sober but he can't expect everyone to stop drinking because of him. Your suggestion that they come for the dinner alone and make that alcohol free is a good one, she can choose to accept, or they come for the whole event and he deal with others drinking or they stay away altogether.

Does he drink any alcohol-free wine or beer, or does he also steer clear of those too? Depending on where he is in his sobriety journey, could they bring alcohol-free alternatives? That’s what we do since DH has been sober for 5+ years now. However, he only started drinking them about 2 years ago. They were too unhelpful to his recovery before that.

But has he expressed expecting anything or is this the usual female wanting to parent a grown adult that seems to happen a lot on here

The dating since May is a red herring, it wouldn’t matter to me if they’d been dating 5 years!
You don’t get to control others. Alcohol is being served/available over the Christmas period as per normal, they are welcome to attend and not partake or stay home and have an alcohol free zone.
How do they even survive in the real world? Can they go to a restaurant and see others drink? On a plane and the passenger next to them orders a few to get through the long haul flight???
And I say all this as a mid 30s non-drinker (no reason, just never really liked the taste)

I'm a non-drinker and I say you have the usual alcohol but provide a good range of non-alcoholic wines/beers, etc.

Is it possible he fell off the wagon recently, and she's scared he'll take the opportunity to get hideously, embarrassingly drunk?

Either way, she's being unreasonable. If he can't be trusted around alcohol, his recovery's still in its infancy and it's not your job (or hers, for that matter) to manage him. Ask her what the problem is. If he's at risk he shouldn't come, but she might be overstepping on his behalf.

He is not as sober as she is letting on.

You are not being unreasonable at all, anyone abstaining from alcohol needs to have the courage and willingness to not consume alcohol and their partner needs to trust that they have the will power and intestinal fortitude to stay alcohol free.

She's been with him for only 6 months and is now calling the shots. Tell her to jog on.

What nonsense. He’s a recovering alcoholic. That doesn’t mean every other person he associates with is not allowed to drink and if he feels that uncomfortable being surrounded by everyone having a drink then he shouldn’t come.

And if he's still a problem drunk, making everyone else stay sober won't stop him drinking. Addiction finds a way.

Yanbu. I never understand demands like this. He can't (or she can't to!) expect everyone not to drink just because he's got issues.

If it were a family member very recently trying to stop an addiction, I'd be sympathetic. Its a hard road.

But she's been dating him since May, and he's "3 years" sober, then no. So either he's not actually sober, in which case I'd suggest she has bigger issues to consider than Christmas, or he is sober, but actually I wonder if she's trying to also be sober and its her that would find it difficult. Either way, not your problem.

if it was your sister and she was a recovering alcoholic and recovery was fragile then YABU

But for a man she’s only been with since May? Nah!

There isn't a part of this I would accommodate, not even Christmas day lunch.

The best part of Christmas for me (now kids are much older) is champagne flowing all day long.

It is that single time of the year where alcohol and chocolate at breakfast time is not only perfectly acceptable, but positively encouraged.

Your sister is entirely unreasonable and it would be a hard no from me. If he can't be around alcohol then they should stay home. I wonder if she makes such requests at restaurants 🙄

She is being unreasonable, I presume you have checked with everyone else that they are happy for an alcohol free meal as I am not sure why this short term partner should be accommodated at everyone else’s expense.