to say no to sisters request for no alcohol over Xmas?

[ChristmasDrinking]

My sister has been in a relationship with a man since May. He used to have alcohol issues but has apparently been sober for 3 years. He seems nice and they seem happy.

We take it in turn to host Christmas and this year is our year. Everyone usually comes on Christmas Eve and goes home on Boxing Day. We have a party on Christmas Eve which includes alcohol, Christmas Day which includes drinks with dinner and a few drinks through the afternoon/evening and then a chilled out Boxing Day, which is usually a long walk with our dogs and a late lunch before everyone leaves.

My sister has requested that there be no alcohol this year due to her partner. I’m not particularly bothered as I don’t drink much, but my husband, adult children, my brother and his wife and my adult nieces would like to be able to have a drink.

I have suggested that my sister and her partner just come for Christmas dinner and we’ll have it with no alcohol, but she wants to be here for as long as everyone else. She is saying her partner is family and we should all be willing to have no alcohol for him.

AIBU to say no to her and that they can either just come for an alcohol free dinner, or accept that there will be some alcohol around due to it being our house, Christmas and other people wanting it.

Poor guy. Does he know your sister has requested this? I would not want to be the new partner who had forced everyone to be alcohol free over Christmas because of my drink problem. That would be very embarrassing.

Right?!

OMG - she sounds a delight 🤣😅

Nothing against veganism but the entitlement of imposing that on everyone else - while they are hosting you no less- and after 9 months?! just WOW

My brother is alcoholic, gave up through rehab. Lives with my mother who loves her wine. When we suggested non alcoholic for her he refused saying that he has to get used to alcohol being around. He drops into his local almost every day and drinks orange juice or whatever.
The sister’s partner needs to grow a set. Three years in and not near alcohol, I don’t believe it. He can drink non alcoholic sparkling wines, white wines and loads of non alcoholic gins etc.
why not suggest making non alcoholic cocktails.
incidentally haven’t yet found a non alcoholic red wine worth drinking unless topped up to be a Sangria.

We don’t actually know this is coming from him… he might be mortified if he knew!

Your sister could choose not to drink with him, but it's unfair of her to ask everyone to abstain. Ask if there's a favourite alcohol free drink you can get in for him and make sure the rest of the family know not to offer him alcohol - that's a sensible level of supportiveness.

YABVU to think an array of interesting alcoholic drinks are provided for the drinkers but nondrinkers should be expected to put up with just ginger beer.

OP, so long as you have in some alcohol-free drinks, I think you’ve done your bit. Your DSis is being V unreasonable - if her new bloke chooses to come to yours for Christmas (and being in a relationship since May most certainly does not make him “family”) then he can choose not to drink alcohol, and others can choose to have a glass of wine or whatever. The thing about being an alcoholic is you have to know that while you can’t drink, others can and will, and it’s unreasonable to expect them not to, especially on celebratory occasions.

The general advice is that it’s a bad idea to put a newly sober recovering alcoholic into any situation involving alcohol, but he’s three years sober, so l’m another one wondering if this is just Dsis overstepping. Or indeed, that he’s not as sober as she’s making out.

OP l would be asking whether he has made this request or whether she is asking for herself, and if so what are the reasons. I’d make it clear that the invitation still stands on the understanding that there will be alcohol, as well as a selection of soft/alcohol free drinks. If he feels as though that will be challenging for him then best not to come - it’s a personal decision only he can make. Apart from anything else it’s setting a precedent. If it turns out to be a long term relationship are they going to expect every event to be alcohol free ?

It’d be a hard no from me. I host Christmas every year. I can’t imagine getting through a Christmas Day with my mother without a few Vinos. If he can’t manage, he might have to sit this one out.

I would say no to this.
The fact that your sister is in a relationship with an alcoholic who's recovery is so tenuous he cannot be around people drinking, and 5 months in, she thinks he's 'family' and his support should be centred isn't something I'd be encouraging.
Because either she's on a mission and wants to enlist you all, she doesn't trust him around alcohol, or the request has come from him in the form of an ultimatum that she's bending over backwards to meet.
She's lost sight of what is reasonable in her urge to 'save' this man, and in her mind he has a status its far too early for. And I'd not be enabling my sister in any of those things, for her own sake.

Absolutely no way. Not going to happen. Similar to vegans, vegetarians; I’m happy to provide suitable alternatives for them and ensure they are well fed but the ‘people who do’ take priority over the ‘people who don’t’. Meaning, you can choose to abstain from anything you don’t like or want but you don’t dictate what others do.
If I had a veggie who demanded no meat on Xmas day they will have the choice of coming and eating the suitable food I’ve provided and allowing others to eat meat or not coming at all. Same for the non drinker. Simple. No one dictates what others can and can’t do.

I think you’re being really fair and compromising by saying you’ll start drinking after X time.

I personally would be saying he can’t come anyway - it’s not normal to spend Xmas with someone you’ve only been with for 6 months, especially inviting them to your family Xmas that’s batshit!

But has he mentioned it to anyone even his gf?

If he had been sober for 3 years, surely he has been around people drinking, as host I wouldn't take full responsibility for what any other adult does, it's their choice if they want to drink or not.

DH and I do not drink - we have both had issues with alcohol in the past and gave up a few years ago.

We don't expect others to abstain in front of us. It is something you have to get used to, or lead a very limited life. We like to have soft drinks or coffee or lunch in a pub, for example. It's unrealistic to avoid the sight of anyone having an alcoholic drink, ever. Yes, it can be hard sometimes when temptation strikes, I won't deny it, but seeing others drink isn't the only thing that can bring on a craving. You have to keep saying 'no' to yourself, that's the nature of giving up or managing an addiction.

I think you are being more than accommodating with your offer of an alcohol free Christmas dinner.

I suspect she’s worried, probably based on recent experience, that he’ll fall spectacularly off the wagon and embarrass himself, and her.

If she’s having to manage his interactions to this degree after 5 months together, when he should be trying his very hardest to be impressive, she is obviously very insecure about his stability and the relationship is doomed. I wouldn’t worry about Christmas too much as I predict it will all be moot by then anyway.

YANBU

How does he manage around alcohol the other 51 weeks of the year?

Sounds like he’s potentially clinging on to his sobriety and she’s trying to rescue him . She can’t and neither can you. If he finds it too difficult to be around alcohol I wonder if he’s said he won’t come and she’s trying to make it so he has no excuses not to come.

My own DDad was a recovered alcoholic and we all just carried on as normal at big events but would NEVER offer or add brandy to the Xmas pudding. It’s his issue to deal with, yes it makes it harder, but that’s just life.

Nope 👎 we are not big drinkers, will probably have a glass or two with Christmas dinner but thats about it, its not the alcohol free Christmas that would bug me, its the fact she will have only been seeing this man for 7 months come Christmas and she expects you all to give up your Christmas traditions for basically a stranger, if its come from him then he has some bloody gall to expect this from people he barely knows and if its come from her then she needs to stop trying to control him and trust he can be around alcohol without slipping.

Er no.

That's batshit.

I'm lost for words reading the majority answers on this thread. Many of you have a toxic relationship with alcohol if you can't enjoy a family celebration without it.

It doesn't matter how many months the OP's sister has been with her partner/boyfriend. She's made the request because he's a recovering alcoholic and wants to help him enjoy the family get together without addiction triggers.

If he was celiac or had an alergy to certain foods, the OP would adjust the menu. But because it's alcohol, the sister is being unreasonable.

Some of you really need to think about why you can't have fun without alcohol.

If he’s been sober for three years what are his normal strategies for coping around alcohol? It’s hard to avoid in our society.

I think this too. I don't believe she's being honest with you, @ChristmasDrinking . Either that or he's not being honest with her. If he's been truly sober for 3 years, then people drinking around him shouldn't be an issue. If he's just better at controlling his behaviour when he's drinking, or not drinking as much, or even not drinking but struggling with that, he is not sober and it very well might be a problem in the Christmas situation. I wonder where they go together usually, where they can guarantee no one is drinking within sight, smell or sound of them?
You've offered the perfect solution for them but I do think your other guests might well be a bit put out not to have a drink with their meal, not even something for a toast.
Your celebrations are for everyone that you've invited, not just your sister and definitely not for someone your other guests probably barely know. She's your sister, OP - are you unable to have an honest conversation with her about it all?