to say no to sisters request for no alcohol over Xmas?

[ChristmasDrinking]

My sister has been in a relationship with a man since May. He used to have alcohol issues but has apparently been sober for 3 years. He seems nice and they seem happy.

We take it in turn to host Christmas and this year is our year. Everyone usually comes on Christmas Eve and goes home on Boxing Day. We have a party on Christmas Eve which includes alcohol, Christmas Day which includes drinks with dinner and a few drinks through the afternoon/evening and then a chilled out Boxing Day, which is usually a long walk with our dogs and a late lunch before everyone leaves.

My sister has requested that there be no alcohol this year due to her partner. I’m not particularly bothered as I don’t drink much, but my husband, adult children, my brother and his wife and my adult nieces would like to be able to have a drink.

I have suggested that my sister and her partner just come for Christmas dinner and we’ll have it with no alcohol, but she wants to be here for as long as everyone else. She is saying her partner is family and we should all be willing to have no alcohol for him.

AIBU to say no to her and that they can either just come for an alcohol free dinner, or accept that there will be some alcohol around due to it being our house, Christmas and other people wanting it.

My husband has a drink problem and no longer drinks and even I have a few drinks in the house occasional and will at Christmas 🤷‍♀️ he’s fine with it as doesn’t want me to have to change my life

Give an alcohol free Christmas a try. You might all find you enjoy it.

Can the veggies dictate no meat

We are alcohol free. We don’t drink. But at Christmas I accommodate our guests who do. Don’t be so sanctimonious.

ETA we accommodate guests all year round.

If alcohol is a need to enjoy a celebration, there is a toxic relationship with it. I love seafoof but I don't need, or miss it, on the menu to have a great time/meal/celebration.

Not being dramatic. Just calling it as it is.

I don’t drink and am coeliac.

I don’t expect others to have no alcohol, just like I don’t expect them to have a totally gluten free menu. It’s nice for them to provide gluten free options for me, as I would for anyone with an allergy who I was hosting.

Did you not read my post? You might not need alcohol (I don’t, I barely ever drink) but that doesn’t mean you should be dictated to that you can’t have that glass of port that you enjoy with your cheese board every Christmas.

There’s a big difference between needing alcohol and enjoying one drink occasionally because you enjoy the taste. That is a world away from a “toxic” relationship with alcohol 🙄

Did she meet him in May ir has she known him a while? If she met him in May what's the backstory as to why he's spending Christmas with the in laws so soon and she's so quick to say he is family and protect him like this? Is he estranged from his own family?

I'd be worried about the relationship and how sober he is and what his baggage is because this is a bit full on after a few months.

Dating for less than six months, not family. Still very much in the honeymoon period. Your sister (assuming it’s the sister driving this) is being completely unreasonable.

If it’s him driving this then there are bigger issues. If he’s apparently been sober for 3 years but can’t be around alcohol in a very normal social situation, 🚩he still has issues.

Also, given you describe yourself as having adult DC, I assume your sister and her boyfriend are at least Mid 40s/50s. It would seem unusual to me that he would be spending several days over Xmas with a girlfriend of only a few months and doesn’t have any family of his own to see?

Your sister's boyfriend isn't "family" - he would be if she marries him but while he's a boyfriend he's a visitor. He has freedom to choose where to spend Christmas and if being in a place where alcohol is being consumed by other people doesn't work for him, he doesn't have to accept the invitation. Yanbu.

Your sister has not even been seeing this guy for 6 months- honestly I’ve had longer relationships with items in the back of my fridge! 😂 She might consider him family but you certainly don’t have to yet.
Speaking from my own experience, I gave up alcohol as I realised I had developed a problematic relationship with it, and it would never have even occurred to me to try police other people’s drinking. I read a lot of ‘quit lit’ at the time, and the emphasis is very much on how you handle your reactions to various situations, not trying to manage everyone else. And I’d be mortified if someone decided to make this request on my behalf. So I’m not sure if it’s him being controlling or her, but no, you are not being unreasonable.

I am not, but if i said to a host i am allergic to seafood so no one is allowed to eat it at all i would be controlling

She is being unreasonable. You have offered a fair compromise. Had they been together more than a few months I might be more open to a dry Christmas.

I agree to an extent and that's certainly how I used to use it in my drinking days.

But I can't agree it's not a tradition. How many people drink once a year, at Christmas - only having literally one or two drinks - and leave it at that? That's how my parents were, that's how many people are - they can drink very sparingly and harmlessly, and it's part of their Christmas routine to factor in a glass or sherry or wine.

It's similar for that kind of person to the idea of having traditional roast meat at Christmas. Yes, they could live with a nut roast or whatever vegan/vegetarian dish is popular, they might even find it tasty, but they wouldn't want to break their tradition - 'Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a turkey'. And why should they, for someone they barely know?

If you've given up like me because you cannot moderate, you just have to grit your teeth when Auntie Sue is having her annual sweet sherry and remind yourself that one sip of it will lead to you drinking everything in the house, getting drunk, quite possibly embarrassing yourself and spending Boxing Day lying in bed wanting to die.

I’m sober and it’s not realistic for her to ask that. Alcohol is a big part of Xmas for people who can drink in moderation. If his sobriety is still so vulnerable after 3 years then he needs to seek further help as he’s only remaining sober by separating himself from normal life. I think it was kind to offer a sober dinner.

Also your sister is taking too much on in terms of his sobriety. It’s not hers to protect and preserve and she’s being a bit of a saviour here. He needs to remain sober for himself or remove himself from the scenario. His sobriety is nobody else’s responsibility.

Just say no.

I don’t think her boyfriend has requested this. She said that he suggested she spends Christmas with us but without him due to the alcohol issue and that he would spend it with his sister and husband who won’t be drinking due to them having young children. My sister wanted him to spend Christmas with her so she has asked us not to have alcohol.

Her boyfriend has got very into healthy eating and exercise since getting sober and my sister has also given up alcohol since being with him.

His parents live abroad and he and my sister are visiting them over new year. They all get on as far as I know, no estrangement or anything like that.

As a previous poster just said, if he had an allergy, the OP would make him a separate meal. Just as she’s presumably perfectly happy to buy in the 0% alcoholic drinks of his choice. The “vegan who won’t come if there’s meat on the table” is the better analogy - and everyone has also agreed that woman is unreasonable. People would be prepared to buy a nice vegan alternative for her, but not skew their own preferences and traditions. Which is entirely reasonable.

Imagine if a guest was obese and getting hard to lose weight. Would it be reasonable to say “no cakes, chocolates or puddings while he’s here Christmas Eve to Boxing Day”? No. And I could just as easily make your point - “nobody needs empty calories like that - what a toxic relationship you must have with food if you can’t enjoy a family celebration without vats of excess sugar”. It’s the same - one person doesn’t get to dictate to others. All that’s reasonable is to ask others to be aware and be as considerate as possible.

I guess it depends on if you're the kind of family where one thimble full of sherry with the King's speech is the norm or you're all getting shit faced and falling all over the shop - she'd BU in the first instance but I'm not sure she would be about the second. Doesn't sound like it from your op though.

Hard disagree with 'they've only been together 6 months so he's not family' though. Some of us were engaged/married within that timeline.

Within my family there are a number of people who do not drink for a variety of reasons. I suspect in at least one case it is because of post alcoholism. I think I would be clear with your sister that there will always be alternatives available. I would ask what he would like to drink. However, saying no-one can drink as one person cannot drink is over the top.

It says a lot about the dependence on alcohol if you can’t enjoy Christmas without drinking! He’s done very well to get sober and bring around people drinking is very difficult. Perhaps a compromise of only having wine with the meal and not all through the evening and day?

I guess the biggest red flag here @ChristmasDrinking- is that this is a man with a history of addictions who seems to have no family or friends of his own to spend Christmas with. They’ve only been dating since May, and he wants to join her family Christmas, going to all of it, not just say, joining for Boxing Day or Christmas Eve then spending the rest of the time with his own family.

Yes if they were engaged/married after a few months then they’d have made a lifelong commitment so he’d be part of the family.

But they’re not, he’s a boyfriend of 5 months.

If alcohol is a need to enjoy a celebration, there is a toxic relationship with it. I love seafoof but I don't need, or miss it, on the menu to have a great time/meal/celebration.

Seafood isn’t the appropriate comparator, though. That’d be like saying that the OP’s sister had requested no nuts around because her partner had an allergy. My DH lives a cashew at Christmas, but would understand and be happy enough with olives or crisps. “No alcohol” is likr saying “no sweets or cake” at a children’s party. It fundamentally changes the tone and even the format of the occasion.

Have you checked with the rest of the adults who will be there if they agree to an alcohol free Christmas dinner, because I’d be looking at making alternative arrangements if I were them.

So it sounds like he’s happy for them to spend it apart, she wants you all to change plans so that he can come, and he hasn’t suggested she go with him to his family. Does he even want to spend Christmas with you rather than his sister and nieces/nephews? Sounds like your sister is coming up with a solution to a problem that isn’t really there.