to say no to sisters request for no alcohol over Xmas?

[ChristmasDrinking]

My sister has been in a relationship with a man since May. He used to have alcohol issues but has apparently been sober for 3 years. He seems nice and they seem happy.

We take it in turn to host Christmas and this year is our year. Everyone usually comes on Christmas Eve and goes home on Boxing Day. We have a party on Christmas Eve which includes alcohol, Christmas Day which includes drinks with dinner and a few drinks through the afternoon/evening and then a chilled out Boxing Day, which is usually a long walk with our dogs and a late lunch before everyone leaves.

My sister has requested that there be no alcohol this year due to her partner. I’m not particularly bothered as I don’t drink much, but my husband, adult children, my brother and his wife and my adult nieces would like to be able to have a drink.

I have suggested that my sister and her partner just come for Christmas dinner and we’ll have it with no alcohol, but she wants to be here for as long as everyone else. She is saying her partner is family and we should all be willing to have no alcohol for him.

AIBU to say no to her and that they can either just come for an alcohol free dinner, or accept that there will be some alcohol around due to it being our house, Christmas and other people wanting it.

I know there's a lot of variation/everyone reacts somewhat differently, but it really surprises me that someone who's been sober for three full years cannot handle occasionally seeing others drink alcohol in the context of activities which aren't even alcohol-centred. I would suspect that this is not his request but your sister's and that she either misunderstands the situation (he CAN handle seeing others drink) or has mischaracterised it to you (he hasn't really been consistently sober for 3 years). If she persists, I'd consider calling her bluff and asking to speak directly with him about how to minimise his discomfort without massively disrupting the household or celebrations.

It may be that there's something particularly triggering for him about Christmas and he feels he can't cope but IF he is genuinely afraid he will abandon three years of sobriety and drink at Christmas if he sees others drink then he probably should be spending the holiday in surroundings where he has tight control and knows exactly what to suspect, not spending three days in someone else's house with people he barely knows.

It does sound as though his sobriety is not solid. Asking others not to drink at Christmas is fucking rude!
Especially as they haven’t even been together for six months yet.
Like others, I bet he has fallen off the wagon and she is not happy.

This post is spot on. Part of most alcoholics recovery is learning how to be in situations where other people are drinking and finding your own response to this. Now it could be that his response is to remove himself from that situation, which is fine, and your sister is wanting him around for the whole thing. So then a compromise will need to be found and your offer of a part of the celebration without alcohol is a very good one..
If he was a long term partner and early in his recovery journey I'd probs offer a longer/more compromises but as this is a short relationship it is really big ask from your sister. Perhaps if you could compare it to if he was vegan and had a real issue with the presence of meat and therefore asked for the entire period to be meat free. So offer the problem back to dsis which is that you as a family would like to enjoy some alcohol over the period from Xmas Eve to Boxing day so can she please discuss with her partner how they can get this to work from their perspective and come back with a reasonable alternative between the two extremes of "no alcohol at all" to "alcohol served at every possible opportunity "

I've been sober for 4 years, probably would be considered to have had a problem with alcohol previously, and no way would I put demands like that on anyone let alone a family at Christmas. After a few years you are strong enough in your sobriety to be able to be around people drinking alcohol and if you're not, you avoid those occasions. His sobriety is his responsibility, not yours. And I say that knowing a lot of people in recovery and having been there myself. YANBU

But has he said any of this?

I also jumped immediately to the thought that he’s not quite so assuredly sober as she’s telling you, and she doesn’t want him to be on the booze in front of you so is trying to control the situation. It would make me worry about her tbh.

You're not being unreasonable, she is. Especially for arguing after you already told her no, when you, not her, are hosting.

Also, a boyfriend she's only had for five months is not "part of the family." Who knows if he'll even still be around by Christmas.

But you've offered a compromise anyway, to refrain from serving drinks until after dinner, which is gracious enough. I'd tell her no one more time and tell her to let you know if they're still coming.

YANBU OP.

There are plenty of alcohol free alternatives wines and beers available now. It’s not your sister’s place to ask/demand a booze ban for everyone. If he is falling off the wagon she’ll find it exhausting trying to constantly watch him.

You’ve offered a good compromise, your sister can choose between joining for an alcohol free lunch and Boxing Day (sounds like that’s probably alcohol free) or come for the whole thing and accept there’s alcohol.

She's been with him a minutes and expects everyone to change things for him. If he's been sober for 3 years. He's been round people who've been drinking. Her request is unreasonable.

YAnBU we don’t drink and host Christmas. We still get drinks in for everyone else who joins us because they do. It’s part of accommodating everyone.

Also, you’ve offered her an alternative and been willing to compromise if it really is important. They’ve declined that, that’s their choice but not your responsibility.

suggest your sister might not be in the best relationship if these demands carry on
it is his issue
no need to make it yours, or even hers

Prepare for him to get pissed and her to blame you OP.

Could also be that he doesn’t actually want to come, has used presence of alcohol as an excuse and she’s trying to eliminate that barrier.

Perhaps if his sobriety is fairly fragile he would be better off spending Christmas with his own friends and family, and DSIS might prefer to join them and celebrate with her family on another date?

My BIL is an ex alcoholic. He will come to family celebrations eg weddings, christening, communions but won't come to the reception afterwards because he doesn't want to put temptation in his road. It's a bit like a gambler wouldn't go into a betting shop. The difference here is that he takes himself out of situations, he doesn't expect accomodation. I think it would be fair enough on your sister's turn for her to host a sober Christmas 48 hours but I don't think it's fair to insist you do the same. Your compromise is reasonable

He’s not family if she’s only been with him since may. Are they living together?

I’d be concerned that he’s controlling. He knows you won’t agree to three days of no booze so he’ll refuse to attend and your sister will have to stay with him.

Maybe it’s not what’s happening; but be on the lookout for signs he’s trying to isolate her.

Your sister is living on another planet. No way would I agree to this - take back the alcohol free dinner offer too. Your poor kids, DH and other adults. And I'm saying that as a non drinker.

I’m not a big drinker but I like a few glasses of fizz and a Baileys on Christmas Day, I would not be accommodating someone’s partner of a few months at the expense of my own personal choices and enjoyment of a special day. He needs to know how to be around alcohol and manage this. I’ll go out and not drink some times, there’s loads of lovely non-alcoholic options. The packaging of non-alcoholic options is such that it looks no different from alcoholic drinks. Could he get some nice mixers/cordials/non-alcoholic options so he doesn’t feel left out?

I think this is a good point!

I would suspect this too.

I have a former alcoholic in my immediate family. It has never once been suggested that everyone else stops drinking.

He isn’t family. He’s a boyfriend of seven months.
Regardless she is massively unreasonable.
Drinking is part of your family celebrations, he can take it or leave it.

If its only been since May, I'd essentially uninvite him....

...I'd tell her you won't stop the alcohol and he's welcome to not attend and maybe he just see his family those days..

So when they go out for a meal at a restaurant, your sister phones ahead and the restaurant happily stops serving alcohol, does it? No, of course not!

Just carry on with your normal Xmas routine, including alcohol at Xmas lunch, and make sure you have a good choice of alcohol-free drinks for him.