to say no to sisters request for no alcohol over Xmas?

[ChristmasDrinking]

My sister has been in a relationship with a man since May. He used to have alcohol issues but has apparently been sober for 3 years. He seems nice and they seem happy.

We take it in turn to host Christmas and this year is our year. Everyone usually comes on Christmas Eve and goes home on Boxing Day. We have a party on Christmas Eve which includes alcohol, Christmas Day which includes drinks with dinner and a few drinks through the afternoon/evening and then a chilled out Boxing Day, which is usually a long walk with our dogs and a late lunch before everyone leaves.

My sister has requested that there be no alcohol this year due to her partner. I’m not particularly bothered as I don’t drink much, but my husband, adult children, my brother and his wife and my adult nieces would like to be able to have a drink.

I have suggested that my sister and her partner just come for Christmas dinner and we’ll have it with no alcohol, but she wants to be here for as long as everyone else. She is saying her partner is family and we should all be willing to have no alcohol for him.

AIBU to say no to her and that they can either just come for an alcohol free dinner, or accept that there will be some alcohol around due to it being our house, Christmas and other people wanting it.

If his sobriety might wobble from being around other people drinking, I would suggest that it is not yet sufficiently muscular for him to be in a relationship. It's something you have to really concentrate on.

If he has genuinely been sober for three years and they've only been together 5 months, it sounds as though he has done this by himself, for himself rather than needing to be rescued - and kudos to him for that.

I wonder if it's just that Christmas is particularly difficult for him. Part of giving up drinking is breaking the habit and forming new habits. E.g. if you always drink on a Saturday afternoon, you have a Saturday afternoon every week in which to form a new habit, but Christmas only happens once a year, so the habit is harder to break, if that makes any sense - same for birthdays, holidays etc.

Nonetheless he - or your sister - can't expect the whole family to change their traditions. Plenty of people are able to drink moderately and sensibly, if you aren't one of them - like me - you just have to accept it as bad luck in life's lottery, like having poor eyesight or short legs or a rubbish memory or whatever else you'd change about yourself if you could.

She’s being unreasonable

does she not go out to pubs or restaurants? Does she ask them to stop selling alcohol? Does she not see friends? Or does she impose the same rule with them ie. No alcohol

it’s not resonance to expect however many people over three days to stop stinking for one person

its her partners responsibility to put in place measures to stop himself not have it done for him by penalising everyone else and I say that as a non drinker

You have been generous enough to do one meal with no alcohol. I would just tell her that’s the deal and she can let you know

Absolutely no way would I ban alcohol. Thats a him problem.

if he was coeliac or allergic the Op would probably offer a different dish for him. Just as she has offered different drinks for him.

It is the new boyfriend who had the toxic relationship with alcohol, not everyone else. It is pretty standard in British homes of people who drink alcohol for there to be more alcohol over Christmas.

the sister is free to make a request. But she cannot make a demand.

I agree with PPs, I suspect this is all her bright idea and he hasn’t actually requested anything.

If he’s been sober for 3 years then he knows that his sobriety is his responsibility and his alone.

NO NO NO!

Does this boyfriend go to AA meetings or is he managing to stay sober by himself?

Ideally, your sister needs to go to an AA type meeting for family and friends affected by other peoples drinking, because she clearly doesn’t understand that no-one else can control whether someone continues to stay sober. She might think she is his saviour, but she’s deluding herself.

My DH went into Rehab and stopped drinking in his late 30’s and has now been sober for over 20 years and we regularly host parties with alcohol. Heck, he’s even got a reputation for mixing amazing cocktails, both alcoholic and non alcoholic.

Sobriety is all about choice and if her boyfriend or your sister thinks he’ll struggle to stay sober with people drinking around him, then HE needs to choose to stay away for now. It’s that simple!

It matters hugely how many months the sister has been in the relationship and it matters hugely that she believes this man can't be around alcohol.
Most people have indeed come at this from their own perspective, that the day would be spoiled without alcohol. I personally don't share that, but would still not be encouraging this.
My priority would be my sister, who seems to have cast herself in the role of saviour and 'family' to an alcoholic she's known 5 months who's recovery is fragile. She shouldn't be encouraged in that. It's bad for her.

I can enjoy a celebration without alcohol i just dont like having a dictator around more than not drinking

I too don’t drink any alcohol at all - among the joys of middle-age came an allergy to it that means I can’t any more. I’d love to have the occasional glass of red wine or gin & tonic but I just can’t, as I know I’d be too ill.

But I attend social events where alcohol is present, of course I do! It’s everywhere and I can’t stop that. There’s no possible scenario in which I’d try and dictate whether other people can drink or not - your DSis is being absurd, OP.

She’s been with him less than 6 months, he’s not family!

Yanbu. She/her partner have the choice to be around alcohol for the whole visit, or to just come for Christmas Day when you have very kindly agreed to forgo alcohol for his benefit.

Does this man never ever socialise? It’s impossible to avoid parties and events where there is alcohol unless you never go anywhere.

She’s being ridiculous, and so is he.

I don’t drink, so I’m not someone who thinks everything needs alcohol! But I also don’t try to stop others drinking. 3 years sober is not the same as if he’d just recently quit - he can’t expect to never be around alcohol.

He still has alcohol issues.

She just won’t be able to come along because of him and that is her choice to make but will she never ever be able go to a pub or restaurant again? She needs to ask herself if this is the life she wants.

The offer you have made is more than reasonable

My DM is a recovering alcoholic so I do understand that it's tough for him. 3 years sounds like a long time but he'll still be struggling and my DM didn't stop struggling being around alcohol for a lot longer than 3 years.

I think your suggestion of an alcohol free Christmas dinner was a very generous one. It's your sisters choice to date someone with an alcohol issue and she can't demand that everyone stops drinking for him.

My DM kept alcohol out of her own house but other than that she didn't demand anything else from anyone.

If I had a celiac visiting, I would ensure there were separately prepared, cooked and served gluten free options.
I wouldn't make every piece of food in every meal gluten free.

This is what people are suggesting,. they would provide alcohol free options.

Too soon in a relationship to ask and too much to ask.

That'd be a hard NO from me.

She's only been with him a few months. Have you spent much time with him @ChristmasDrinking ?

It’s not about a toxic relationship with alcohol, it’s about the “needs” of a near-stranger dictating what everyone else is allowed to do.

Personally I hardly drink at all and it wouldn’t bother me to have an alcohol-free Christmas but I would still say no to this request as it’s not reasonable.

If I have a coeliac or a vegan in the family (which I actually do!) then I’d cater for their needs accordingly but I wouldn’t stop other people eating meat or foods containing gluten, I just ensure there is no cross contamination.

You’re so overly dramatic with the “toxic” remark. It’s about the principle, not the fact that people can’t survive without their Buck’s Fizz on Christmas morning.

He's not family, and while you'd need alcohol-free drinks for him/others, no way in hell would I ban alcohol because of this person. And I don't even drink.

Nonetheless he - or your sister - can't expect the whole family to change their traditions. Plenty of people are able to drink moderately and sensibly,

Alcohol is not a tradition, it's an addiction used in many societies to self medicate by raising seratonin levels to deal with depression, unhapiness and anxiety and have fun.

Sensible drinkers don't factor alcohol in their lives - they enjoy a casual drink but is never a problem having family, friends or neighbours sitting at the table if alchohol is a trigger for even just one person.

I think your offer re no alcohol with dinner was generous and a kind compromise to accommodate her new boyfriend. For her to insist that the whole day is without alcohol is unreasonable- there is no compromise on their part.

shes been with him 5 minutes and is calling him her DP?

they may not even make it to Christmas

no. Tell her no, that she doesn’t get to change everything for everyone because of a bloke she’s just met.

put her back in her box.

Bil is an alcoholic. My sister now just does her own thing with him and my nephew at Christmas. They haven't been to a family NYE get together for years now as a result, or even my birthday meal recently (a simple evening meal out) or my aunt's 80th I think when you choose a life with an alcoholic, you have to accept that unfortunately you may become more isolated from loved ones as a result if they cannot be around alcohol - unless you are willing to do things on your own. Many will get to a point where they can tolerate small amounts of time around others drinking alcohol, once they are sufficiently recovered, for many (like my bil) the risk is always there. It sounds like your sister's partner is at an early stage, but she cannot expect you to change your whole Christmas. You have offered a compromise.

I think this post is rage bait, nobody is going to call someone family they've been dating for a few months. If it's real then your sister is surely making assumptions as I doubt anyone whose gone three years without drinking is going to lose it at a family Christmas. I doubt she's asked him and she's potentially embarrassed him.