Neighbours complained about Autistic Son

[NatureandBee]

Just found out that my next door neighbours have complained about my autistic DS. The complaint was related to him shouting in the garden(he’s non verbal and he vocally stims) and how he sometimes has no clothes on in the garden and their grandchildren can see him.

They put in a complaint to my HA and I wish they had spoken to me first. I do understand how loud he can be and I try hard to keep him dressed. The fences are high but they can see into my garden from their bedroom windows.

He’s not out there from morning til night, only in the school holidays and after school for a bit. I also work and he stays with his Dad for part of the week.

I feel so on edge now and feel like I can’t have him in the garden in case they complain again, I’m also a single parent and it makes me feel vulnerable that they have an issue with us.

They are an older couple with an immaculate garden/house. I do understand how they like to enjoy peace and quiet in their garden and obviously they deserve to not be disturbed.

I’m ashamed to say I cried when I was told of the complaint, I’m embarrassed now 🙈

Yanbu to be upset. Unsure what they’d like you to do?

On the garden side I firmly believe everyone should be able to do whatever they like in their garden clothes wise at ground level and if you choose to live in a house that overlooks someone else’s garden you don’t look if you don’t want to see. This assumes they can’t see through fences etc at garden level?

What would you have done about it if they had spoken to you first?

I think you just need to carry on op how you are. Theres nothing much more you can do. You try to keep him dressed and I assume indoors until reasonable time.

Your neighbours won't understand. Not many do with severe additional needs.

Keep your chin up.

The fences are high - maybe 8/9 foot high and they can’t see through them so it must be when they are in their bedroom or the grandchildren stay over that they can look down and see him. He is very loud when he stims and the noise does echo around the garden! I take him out a lot, we had a weeks holiday in the summer and I work too so he’s not out there all the time but I now feel like I can’t have him out there.

I do think that his noise is better than some antisocial behaviour I’ve had from neighbours such as screaming and swearing and drunken noises!

How old is your son?

Thank you ☺️ Yeah they don’t understand unfortunately, he loves being outside and being outside does help him regulate and like any kid, he loves playing!

Do they know he has autism?

He’s 10

As long as you are not letting him use the garden before breakfast or after 8 pm I cannot see what they can complain about. Your son has the same right to enjoy your garden as they do. In fact more so. Your son sadly has much less access to the world. Also if the grandchildren don’t look out of their upstairs window they won’t see what he is or is not wearing.

I understand OP that you are upset but you need to stand up for your son.

Yeah, I have told them.

I don’t think it’s about not understanding, it’s about them being entitled to peaceful enjoyment of their own home. I think I’d struggle to live next door to so much noise aswell, it must be intrusive for them

Yes, you are very right about the access to the world as he doesn’t have the same opportunities as neurotypical children when it comes to activities or accessing clubs etc. Even clubs aimed at autistic children aren’t always suitable as they are mostly filled with verbal children who understand instructions etc, rarely children like my son so the garden is his safe space.

How long is he in the garden for after school, on average? 15/20 minutes shouting is, while annoying and intrusive, more bearable than 2 hours, for example. What time does he go in for the night? And what about weekends?

I wouldn’t stop him going outside altogether if he enjoys it. I would try to support him inside or with an alternative space if he starts really shouting though.

Can the neighbours’ children see him naked? I would encourage pants or shorts on where possibly if he wants to go outside if so.

I do understand that they also deserve to be able to sit in the peace and quiet and enjoy their garden. He’s not out there all the time as I work/take him out or he’s with his Dad. He’s also in school full time. He is loud and the noise isn’t pleasant I admit! It isn’t easy to stop him stimming though especially when he’s excited.

To be honest he needs to be wearing clothes when outside not being naked. That is a valid complaint.

They would only be able to see him if they looked out of their bedroom window (grandchildren) But I do understand how he needs to be dressed especially for his own dignity too. He strips off his clothes, I will try hard to keep him clothed.

I do dress him but he keeps stripping them all off. I’ll try to be firmer and bring him inside if he does that. He was naked in the summer as he was in his swimming pool.

You can only do what you can do.

Our pre verbal son is 10 (today!) and our neighbour made a dig that she’d heard him in the garden when she was having a lie in. It was 9:40am on a Saturday. I’m just not keeping him in at that time.

He’s entitled to play in his garden as much as any other kid, and if anyone has an issue with him happily messing around in his garden that’s a them problem.

I do draw the line on clothes, because he’s getting too old now for public nudity to be acceptable. As much as the garden is private, you can see over our fence from upstairs too and it’s not right for neighbours of any age to be able to see his genitals.

He’s allowed out after 9am, and no later than 8pm (he won’t be out every one of those hours, that’s just when the garden is “open”) but he does have to have at least his pad on, or he’s coming back in.

Have you tried to keep clothes on an autistic child who doesn't want to wear them. It is very difficult.

A friend had this from her neighbours when her son was around the same age. They asked her to keep him indoors when their children were in their garden. He wasn’t particularly noisy, he would just be playing in his garden ! Shockingly the neighbours were GPs ! As in medical, not grandparents.

This is hard Yanbu to be upset but also they are not unreasonable to not want to hear him shouting/screaming in the garden regularly.

Like you’re now on edge for another complaint id assume they are always on edge waiting for the next loud episode. Neither of you are going to feel relaxed as both are waiting for the next thing.

Are you also sure there are no gaps in the fence? I’d no problem with the nudity as a naked sunbather and tell them not to look into my garden providing there are no fence gaps that’s visible just by being in the neighbouring garden.

Mmm swimming pool isn't to bad but still needs at least a pair of shorts on. If he strips take him back in till he is dressed he will learn eventually. He needs to learn for the future anyway. The noise, well theres not much can be done I take it hes more on the severe side?

Although I am looking at those onsies you can fasten on the back for my son. I think M&S do some up to about 13 years?

It doesn’t sound like he’s noisy all the time or for extended periods. I have neighbour noise sometimes that is very intrusive inc loud music, phones being used out loud, parties, shouting etc.
And they shouldn’t be conveying to their grandchildren that a naked child is a bad or shameful thing.
They sound ignorant and unsympathetic. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. Is it worth another chat with them about what his autism means ie that it explains his behaviour, and how you do your best to minimise it?