Neighbours complained about Autistic Son

[NatureandBee]

Just found out that my next door neighbours have complained about my autistic DS. The complaint was related to him shouting in the garden(he’s non verbal and he vocally stims) and how he sometimes has no clothes on in the garden and their grandchildren can see him.

They put in a complaint to my HA and I wish they had spoken to me first. I do understand how loud he can be and I try hard to keep him dressed. The fences are high but they can see into my garden from their bedroom windows.

He’s not out there from morning til night, only in the school holidays and after school for a bit. I also work and he stays with his Dad for part of the week.

I feel so on edge now and feel like I can’t have him in the garden in case they complain again, I’m also a single parent and it makes me feel vulnerable that they have an issue with us.

They are an older couple with an immaculate garden/house. I do understand how they like to enjoy peace and quiet in their garden and obviously they deserve to not be disturbed.

I’m ashamed to say I cried when I was told of the complaint, I’m embarrassed now 🙈

He might not be able to understand being asked not to. Stimming is a natural behavior and it feels uncomfortable to supress it.

What then?

OP they're not unreasonable to find a loud, naked child a problem; regardless of his issues.

I don't see why a nude child is such a problem In your own garden I think you can wear clothes or not, as you like. If people don't like it they don't have to look.

No they do not need to learn to 'live in society', society needs to learn to live with autistic people. Just wear ear plugs or go out and watch a movie if the noise bothers you so much, and thank your lucky stars that you weren't born with a disability.

Why does it matter ? If other kids are out playing for hours in the summer why should he be any different ?

I have misophonia,
I also have a 10 year old neighbour who stims loudly "waaaaaaahhhhhhhh" whilst playing swingball. Thud, wah, thud, wah, thud, wah... 2 hours at a time.
Literal torture, caused increased cortisol and contributed to a heart attack (just a mild one thankfully).

Please don't automatically paint a picture of oldies complaining because "they don't understand", or "they're intolerant".
Sometimes 2 people with issues - old or young, or somewhere inbetween, have to live alongside each other and compromises are difficult on BOTH sides.

I like the winter.

Some NT children scream/squeal when they are excited, but there is a limit that I would expect a neighbour to have to put up with. If I was the neighbour I would also try to be considerate if there were things that I did that could trigger distress in a ND child next door. It’s being neighbourly. So if they were frightened of the mower I wouldn’t mow the lawn if they were outside in their garden but I would expect some consideration the other way

I have a severely autistic non verbal adult son.
With the noise I think it is give and take. After 30 minutes of noise I would bring him in for 30 minutes. My own son would find a lot of noise next door very distressing and would be unable to have windows open or go outside himself.
At 10 you need to be bringing him in every time if he is completely stripping off. He may begin puberty soon and needs to learn that pants are required when outside.

And what about when he's 16 or 18 and standing in the garden naked shouting?

If he really can't tone down his stims when they affect others (and we all have to learn that) then it sounds like he might need to go into a supported living situation, like my nephew who is autistic with learning disabilities and has a number of antisocial stims like this.

I'm not meaning to sound harsh, but we all have to make compromises to live with each other especially when in close proximity, and shouting a lot on the garden isn't ok regardless of the reason for it.

Stim inside? Have limited time in the garden?

Big difference between the sound of children playing and loud repetitive noises for an extended period of time.

I'm autistic with autistic children, one of whom is also physically disabled, and I agree with that poster. We do have to learn to live in society, everyone does. Of course we should extend more patience and understanding if someone is disabled but that can't mean they can ignore all social rules entirely.

Is it?

It's perfectly legal to be naked in your own garden, as long as you're not doing it deliberately to upset people. If it's ok to (eg) sunbathe naked, I can't see why a child pottering about naked should be concerning.

You can’t tell the neighbours never to look out of their windows in case they see a naked child - that is unreasonable. Excessive noise is anti social whoever is making it. Stick to reasonable hours and cover up whilst in garden - one of the outfits mentioned above would be worth trying.

Little child - no problem

This child isn't far off puberty when it gets trickier. Pants should be on even if otherwise naked.

At 10 he is way too old to be naked in the garden. Whether he understands or not, he needs to be brought inside as soon as he strips off. His disability doesn't trump the fact that the neighbours can see him.

10 year olds are entitled to enjoy playing in the garden.
It is a lack of understanding, or just a decision to be ignorant. Autistic people can't easily control stims and doing so can cause them physical pain sometimes.
Let your child play, OP. He deserves happiness and the chance to play outside in his own garden. He doesn't have the capacity to understand the needs of others like adults do or the ability to regulate his emotions or modify his behaviour like NT people. The people around him need to adjust.

If he goes out say to the park or a cafe/restaurant and decides to take his clothes off or start making loud noises what then. Many years ago my 4 year old son was hit fully in the face by another child at a swimming pool. The Father appeared and didnt say anything - just gave me a card to say his son had learning difficulties and needs.

So, that's OK then.

We all need to learn to live with each other but one child's needs doesnt trump everyone else around him.

I'm sorry this was so upsetting Op.

It is hard being a single parent and even more so when your dc have challenging behaviours.

I think the shouting was a bit intolerant if it isn't often and if they know him.

However, truthfully, if he is 10, now is definitely the time to get on top of the nakedness outside. He will hit puberty shortly and that will just be really awkward if he won't put pants on. It is actually for his own safety as much as anyone's.

Are you supervising him in the garden & bringing him back inside when noise levels become too high or he is getting overstimulated.

If he's in view of other children he needs to have underwear on. That's not okay for other children to have to witness regardless of disability. If you had a daughter would you be okay with a naked older child? That behaviour will only become more distressing as he becomes older. The neighbor has done the right thing by raising it sooner rather than later. They may have not felt safe approaching you directly.

I had to contact my housing association & keep noise & ASB diaries for about 2 years before the family was rehoused in a similar situation.

It was relentless screaming inside & outside with the child regularly become hysterical , stripping off etc. On one occasion the police were called.

It was harming my families health & I had a child that was underperforming at school & struggling with their mental health due to the distress, disrupted sleep & disruption to homework etc.

The bar for ASB should be higher if there's SEN or disability but it still exists & everyone's needs should be considered.

He's not 16 or 18 though, is he? He's a child making noise in his garden.

I think you may be confusing supported living with an asylum. My profoundly autistic brother is in supported living. They have neighbours on both sides of the garden and it's used frequently.

Then it’s up to his mum to put a stop to it as soon as it starts to happen. Paddling pool or not.

Er, no. As much as l’m all for the rights of disabled people, this is way too far in the opposite direction and it won’t help efforts to successfully integrate disabled people into society. There’s a huge difference between the expectation of equal rights and being allowed to do as you please with no regard to anyone else just because you’re disabled.

They sound like my arsehole ex neigbours

Which is why his mum needs to bring him in at the first sign of him taking his clothes off.