Neighbours complained about Autistic Son

[NatureandBee]

Just found out that my next door neighbours have complained about my autistic DS. The complaint was related to him shouting in the garden(he’s non verbal and he vocally stims) and how he sometimes has no clothes on in the garden and their grandchildren can see him.

They put in a complaint to my HA and I wish they had spoken to me first. I do understand how loud he can be and I try hard to keep him dressed. The fences are high but they can see into my garden from their bedroom windows.

He’s not out there from morning til night, only in the school holidays and after school for a bit. I also work and he stays with his Dad for part of the week.

I feel so on edge now and feel like I can’t have him in the garden in case they complain again, I’m also a single parent and it makes me feel vulnerable that they have an issue with us.

They are an older couple with an immaculate garden/house. I do understand how they like to enjoy peace and quiet in their garden and obviously they deserve to not be disturbed.

I’m ashamed to say I cried when I was told of the complaint, I’m embarrassed now 🙈

He will be soon, is my point, and the behaviour needs to be dealt with now before it's too ingrained.

And no, I'm not confused, my nephew lives in a special home, like a care home.

I don’t think you are doing anything wrong OP.

Those saying OP’s DS needs to be taught, needs to learn and will learn obviously don’t realise some disabled DC can’t/won’t. It isn’t like OP is salt there doing nothing, she says she tries hard to keep DS dressed.

Nobody is going to arrest a seveley autistic child/ adult who doesnt have the capacity to understand what they are doing neither will they be going to prison
Robust risk assessments should ensure he doesnt get the opertunity to attack anyone .

Absolutely! He’s 10 and in his own garden, my goodness it’s not like he’s 35 and naked and loudly stimming in the neighbours hallway.
OP, I completely understand why you’re upset, I’m in a similar boat and when people say the things we’re most worried that they might be thinking it’s really hard.
in this instance I think your neighbours are being extremely unreasonable to complain to the HA especially considering the specific circumstances.

you can do your best to support your son and help him adjust some of his behaviours to one’s that people will see more positively, but please try not to be too hard on yourself, a little boy stripping off in his own garden is not cause for pearl clutching.
And I find it infuriating the difference in reactions to non verbal children stimming and verbal children talking/squealing etc. if I had a pound for every time my non verbal child has got strange looks for his noises, but other children loudly talking (much louder than the stims and sometimes things like that”this show is boring” etc in a theatre) are met with chuckles and awwww, I would be able to afford a full tank of diesel.

in all seriousness OP, please be kind to yourself, it sounds like you are doing your best and in a delicate mindset yourself, pay no heed to the neighbours and get yourself hardened and ready with research and knowledge so you’re prepared to stand up for yourself and your son against people like this. Sending much love and strength to you and your boy.

Supported living is generally an ordinary house in an ordinary street living as part of the community where an adult has carers come in, sometimes 24/7. It isn't somewhere disabled people are sent because they can't live somewhere 'normal'.

Can totally understand why they don't want to hear screaming and hollering. No one does. Just because neighbours are also being loud and arguing and there's ASB doesn't make this okay as well.

He's 10 and is past the age when public nudity is acceptable and hes only going to get older and soon be at an age where he can be accused of indecent exposure.
So no he shouldn't be allowed to express himself in that way nor should people be expected to shut their eyes or just look away he needs to be dressed in a manner that covers his genitals at the very least when he is outside his home

Everyone has to live within societal norms otherwise society would break down. Being disabled doesn’t absolve you of social responsibility and it’s not an excuse for bad behaviour. OP is having a difficult time which is set to get even more difficult as she prepares her child as best she can to live his life. She’s doing the responsible thing and telling her that she shouldn’t bother because society should accept the unacceptable is grossly unfair. Living life as a disabled person is hard enough without instilling unrealistic expectations from the start.

The whataboutery is wild. This is not a teenager exposing himself in the shops or assaulting women. This is a child being naked in his own home.

I think people saying YABU realise that to stop this OP might need to stop her son accessing his garden, which is pretty horrible and not proportionate to neighbours not enjoying loud noises. This is why incredible scenarios of assaulative, self-exposing autistic teenage boys are getting brought up.

He's not in public.

How did the HA relay the complaint / what are the HA rules? Did they just inform you a complaint had been raised, or did they request a change / flag rules you were in violation of?

And he is doing so loudly and regularly, disturbing other people.

My neighbours kids are always screaming, it’s part of childhood and I have to tolerate it. I can’t expect them to be inside all the time. I spent my childhood playing outside and it is such a valuable part of growing up for all kids, autistic or not. I would argue even more important for a child that has limited options.

The Nottingham murders done by Calocane - is this OK because he had mental health issues? The young girl who put up the fight of her life because this mainic was on the streets?

Calocane had a history of mental health issues. He is in a high security hospital but the NHS is broken and there is no way you can force someone to take medication especailly if they are out of hospital.

I find it quite concerning how many people on this thread think someone should be able to do literally whatever they want with 0 consequences and screw everybody else, just because theyre autistic.

The ableism is steadily building as the thread goes on isn’t it ? Not to mention the totally unrealistic expectations from a broken care system.

Hes doing ir in his own home
My son is sevreley autistic and he16 he would strip anywhere if allowed
We are working very hard to keep him dressed in public
It is however extremrly challenging when somone has no concept of social boundaries.

Nope! They have never spoken to me about it. The housing officer actually asked them why they didn’t just speak to me first and they told her “Oh no! We couldn’t have done that!” 🙈

I’m finding the lack of tolerance quite concerning too. He’s ten. He’s a child and OP is doing her best.

If you like being naked in your own garden, you can be naked in your own garden. It's much more unacceptable to watch IMO.

So because my son cannot control his stims, he should go in supported living?
What a ridiculous and offensive viewpoint.
My son makes noises in the garden, he has no control over them whatsoever I am not putting him into care because of it.

My nephew lives in what is effectively a care home and that's what I'm referring to.

It's very difficult because one person's rights shouldn't trump another person's.

It's difficult, living next to a screaming 4 year old I sympathise with your neighbours as even with shut windows and radio on, I still hear it. It can be very hard to live next to. But, your son is the way he is, it's not his fault - I appreciate your situation more than kids without learning difficulties because it's not down to inconsiderate parenting unless you're leaving him outside for hours on end in the holidays/evenings after school. I hope you're not downplaying the length of time!

How is your son going out, does it also help him regulate? Is there any way that he can spend some time in the garden, some time out in a park/walk and some time indoors? Surely they cannot complain if your son is outside just a handful of hours a day in the holidays. I presume you keep him in with the winter coming too? What things do you try in the winter to keep him happier? Maybe some more of those all year around. Also, HA may be different to council, but council don't look into noise from children around here - they are exempt. You may find the complaint amounts to nothing.

Anyway, waffling. Hopefully your neighbours could be a bit more understanding. Had they talked to you, you could've tried your best to time garden play when they were out for a few hours, shopping or whatnot. You also need to be more understanding of their peace too imo.

I agree and saying no one would arrest anyone regardless of what they did is baffling. My cousin used to work on London Underground. The people jumping in front of trains or pushing someone on to the tracks was not that unusual but some posters seem to think that its OK because they didnt really know or understanding what they are doing.

Maybe if it was their child or partner who was pushed they might have another view