To think dh did the right thing in a very difficult situation?

[FeelSoSorry]

At the start of the year we were totally blindsided by an ex of dh from a long long time ago getting in touch to say that dh was the father of her 19 year old.
She had cheated on her husband who had then demanded paternity testing for the children and (she has 3) he was not the father of 2. She has then alleged that dh was actually her ds1 father and got in touch via family.

It caused us a lot of stress and heartbreak. Dh had to choose whether to meet with him and then get tested or have a test and if he was his son to then build a relationship. He said that he didn’t remember ever having unprotected sex with her and yet he couldn’t rule out that he was his dad and if he had missed 19 years of a relationship he didn’t want to miss a day more so they met.

The test showed that dh was not the father. To be honest this wasn’t the result we expected as even I thought looking at them that they looked similar.

Ever since dh family have been criticising his ‘hasty actions’ in meeting first rather than waiting for the test results. I feel it’s really unfair as he was trying to do his best? It was a shitty situation to find ourselves in and he tried really hard to quickly do the right thing.

MIL made a comment yet again today about it (she is friends with a relative of the woman concerned) about her still not being able to identify the father and saying how dh was trigger happy to take on someone else’s child and lucky that he bothered to get the test done ?!

AIBU to think they should all be proud of him as I am for trying to step up ?

Those poor kids!

I agree, your DH was doing his best.

As far as I can see his only fault is in telling his family about any of this.

I'm sure your husband meant well, but it was incredibly stupid to meet this boy before getting the test done. Can you not see how distressing it must be for his ex's son to have found out twice in quick succession that the man he thought was his biological father was, in fact, not?

Obviously the blame lies totally with your husband's ex for repeatedly cheating on her husband without using contraception, but your husband should have had the sense to wait and see whether or not he was actually this young man's father before meeting him.

Ever since dh family have been criticising his ‘hasty actions’ in meeting first rather than waiting for the test results

I think they are right but also that they should keep their opinions to themselves and keep their mouths shut.

I think his family are right too but there’s no point going on about it. I mainly feel for the poor kid who has found out his dad is not his real dad and then had the situation of meeting the person he thought was his dad only to find out that’s not actually true either. I think he should have had the test done first.

I think his family are right. He jumped the gun really, which probably wasn’t in the best interest of the child. However, I can see he was trying to be decent

I also agree with his family but also agree it’s pointless to go on about it now.

Meh, if he had turned out to be the child's father, they'd probably be bitching about how he had been a dick in deliberately drawing the process out in insisting upon a DNA test first. Or that he was stupid in taking the test as he's now officially the kid's Dad.

Some people just have to criticise, whatever the outcome.

They're best ignored.

I think they are right, and DH should’ve come to that conclusion himself - but he didn’t so it’s irrelevant who is right and wrong, what happened happened.

Difficult situation, best intentions that’s all you can ask of someone isn’t it?

I think it depends on whether, having met the boy, he now plans to keep in touch. If he doesn’t, then it seems his motive was a selfish one, because he’s now lost interest. But that’s just my opinion which you asked for. His family should keep theirs to themselves.

His family is right but it's over and done with. It was a mistake and it's not necessary to keep going over it.

I think this was probably a damned if you do, damned if you don’t mind of situation. If he was the father and had drawn out the process, that would have been seen as uncaring, etc, so there were never going to be any winners here.

i think he acted in good faith with the info he had, and shouldn’t be taking flak for it, especially from his own family

I think his only mistake was telling his family before he was sure

I think he should have waited for the test results tbh. But good on him for stepping up. The ex is way way more at fault than he is. He was just trying to do the decent thing.

It would have been better for your husband to wait for the test results, but given that the news of him potentially having a son must have come as a massive shock, he probably couldn't have been one hundred percent clear-headed about it. He may have been going over a lot of what-ifs. It's hard to know what to do in this kind of scenario.

Your husband was absolutely trying to do the right thing. He did his best. Yes, ultimately it was probably unwise to meet the "son" first, but he had no way of knowing that for sure. It sounds like his family are being rather too harsh and judgemental.

I get, and admire, your husband trying to do the best for the child but I agree with his family, it would have been better to do the test first.
That poor boy though

Just wanted to add that as well as the young man, sympathies also to the husband of the ex, who has found out that his wife has cheated on him at least three times.

....in the best interest of the child.

He's not a child, he's 19. The decision to meet was as much his as OP's DH. He could have chosen to wait for the test results.

Your husband has clearly risen above his upbringing and become a more decent man than his parents. It's refreshing to hear of a man like that. I'd be proud.

I think they are right. What’s another week or two when you’ve missed 19 years already.

By rushing in the boy got a second dad who actually wasn’t his dad.

It’s impossible to fault a man for being proactive about fatherhood. Caution might have been wise, but perfection isn’t required. He got the test. He didn’t shy away from the possibility.

He should've just had the test done first. Very upsetting and confusing for the poor lad.

Your dh behaved honourably, he’s a good man. Ignore your batshit mil - for some unknown reason she’s enjoying the drama & stirring. I feel desperately sorry for the poor boy. But you also have my sympathy - having your world upset like that for the ex’s lies is terrible, she must be an awful person… which leads me back to heartfelt sympathy for the poor child. What a mess - thank God you are relieved of all duty!

It’s easy to say what you think someone should have done in hindsight. Of course knowing that he isn’t actually the dad it is easy for everyone to say he should have waited for the results but he did what he felt was right at the time and honestly I think that shows he is a good man.
The poor lad could also have chosen to wait, Presumably they both felt meeting at that point was the right thing to do.

I would be putting in-laws in their place quite firmly about this. Tell them to save their nasty comments for the woman who put your DH and this boy in such a difficult situation in the first place instead of a man doing what he felt was right.

I feel sorry for the 19 year old.
It ws no skin off dh nose to meet him and do the test. Dont know why dh family are being ass hats

Why would he keep in contact with the young man and also why would the young man want to keep in contact with a total stranger who is no relation to him? Beyond saying, I hope you find out the truth soon and wishing him well. what else is there to do or say?