To think dh did the right thing in a very difficult situation?

[FeelSoSorry]

At the start of the year we were totally blindsided by an ex of dh from a long long time ago getting in touch to say that dh was the father of her 19 year old.
She had cheated on her husband who had then demanded paternity testing for the children and (she has 3) he was not the father of 2. She has then alleged that dh was actually her ds1 father and got in touch via family.

It caused us a lot of stress and heartbreak. Dh had to choose whether to meet with him and then get tested or have a test and if he was his son to then build a relationship. He said that he didn’t remember ever having unprotected sex with her and yet he couldn’t rule out that he was his dad and if he had missed 19 years of a relationship he didn’t want to miss a day more so they met.

The test showed that dh was not the father. To be honest this wasn’t the result we expected as even I thought looking at them that they looked similar.

Ever since dh family have been criticising his ‘hasty actions’ in meeting first rather than waiting for the test results. I feel it’s really unfair as he was trying to do his best? It was a shitty situation to find ourselves in and he tried really hard to quickly do the right thing.

MIL made a comment yet again today about it (she is friends with a relative of the woman concerned) about her still not being able to identify the father and saying how dh was trigger happy to take on someone else’s child and lucky that he bothered to get the test done ?!

AIBU to think they should all be proud of him as I am for trying to step up ?

My DB was told he was the father of a woman's baby. He completely took it in and was really happy and my DM was thrilled etc. Then his wife insisted he do a DNA test. Turns out he wasn't the father. And it wasn't her boyfriend. It turned out to be her mother's boyfriend who had known her since she was 14. She was in her early 30s at this point. She went into denial, called my mum, called my brother, screaming and shouting and said she had seduced her mother's boyfriend - absolute classic case of being groomed. It took months and phone number changes etc before she stopped.

So I don't think you or your DH are unreasonable, but if you had posted BEFORE he met the kid I would have advised to have the test first.

I think you should be proud of your husband for being a decent man and wanting to do the right thing. It's all over now and he needs to tell everyone the subject is closed . If they mention it again refuse to discuss further.

I understand that as he believed he probably was the father, waiting for the test result would look as refusing the son, acting only when forced. And that his intention was to welcome his child "as soon as he knew about him". Which is the decent choice.

It is but a lot of time has passed and it could have been covered with a phone call/email or something saying, "I'd love to meet you but do you think it would be best to wait for the DNA test first, to make sure? That way neither of us can be disappointed." You can show an openness and willingness without going all in. If he then still wants to meet, he is 19, so can have some say in that.

This is one of those situations where you never know what you’d do until you’re actually faced with it.

It’s all well and good to sit on the outside tossing stones, but you just have no idea until it’s your life and possibly your child.

His own mum should be very proud that she raised a man who would go running towards his responsibilities and not away from them. Based on my own experiences with a parent having similarly particular views about my sensible life choices, it’s coming from a place of insecurity and actually says more about her than it does about him. It’s a reflection of her own feelings towards her children and about being a parent.

Well done to your Dh in a really difficult situation. These poor children though (this woman’s poor ex!). I hope they get answers soon. How absolutely devastating.

They have no business sharing their opinions.

Sorry, and I can see your DH had good intentions, but I think that’s a feeble excuse. After 19 years it wouldn't have been so terrible to miss another month or so.

I feel very sorry for the poor boy who first found out the man he’d always thought was his father wasn’t, and then was told his "real" father wanted to meet him, and they got on really well - imagine how happy the boy must have been! - only to discover he wasn’t his real father either. I can’t see the point of meeting up and then getting the DNA test; if he knew he was going to do the test he should have done that first so as not to risk upsetting the boy.

But as I said, I’m sure DH meant well, and his family ought to mind their own business. They’ve given their opinion and should now keep quiet.

Sorry but I’m finding this utterly ridiculous: he said he still feels it would have been worse to wait then have missed out on time if he had turned out to be his father

We’re talking a matter of weeks here! What self indulgent garbage. It was shortsighted, utterly selfish, egotistical and completely disregarded what would be in the best interest of the other person. I can’t believe anyone would defend this.

Sure, but I wasn't saying he shouldn't have had the DNA test at all - I'm saying that the people who are saying he was a fool - or worse, suggesting that he has harmed the lad by reacting positively to the news rather than holding back and refusing to even meet him until all possible doubt has been removed (something that wouldn't even have been possible a few decades ago) are being far too harsh on the man.

The boy's mother should not have - well actually, where to start with what his mother should not have done! - but @FeelSoSorry's DH has done nothing wrong. It was perfectly reasonable in the circumstances for him to decide to be proactive about a boy who might well have been his son, and if he had been his son, that early positive reaction would no doubt have been a great help to them in forming a real relationship. Criticising him for it is wrong.

That's all I'm saying.

Well done your DH.
How awful would it have been for the DC to find his dad only wanted to meet him pnce he was proven to be his dad. I hope the DC wasnt too upset by it all. It must be so disappionting too to know your mum has no idea who your dad is! I hope he finds his real dad.
Ignore the MIL et al, your DH rose above it all for the right reasons.

Bless him.

Not all weeks are of the same value though. By waiting "a few weeks" until he had no choice but to acknowledge that he was the boy's father, the possibility that his biological father still didn't really want him and would have preferred for him not to be around would always have been at the back of the lad's mind.

Totally agree , you should be proud of your husband , sounds like you also handled it with compassion too OP .
Well done to both of you

I have to agree with this, just the 2nd reply, from the first page.

I can't understand the vote as it seems almost all the comments do too.

No, there's no reason for other people to keep bringing it up, but your dh was wrong to meet the poor lad before anything had been confirmed.

Whether he should have waited or not is irrelevant, because his family should just shut up about it all now. My mum can be like this - sticking her nose in and going on and on. The only thing that works is a verbal slapping down.

I completely agree either way you. Your DH’s family need to shut up.

Poor kids though. Especially the 19 year old. How do you cheat so much you don’t know who the father of you kid is?!

I think he meant well, but it was foolish to meet the boy before the test results. At best, it's just wasted everyone's time.

At worst, that boy met your husband and got his hopes up if he liked him and now he's being ditched again. Test results can be obtained quickly so realistically we're talking a week or two he'd have "missed" if he were the father. That really isn't a big deal when the kid is 19, and not worth the hurt the boy probably now feels.

I think, however well intentioned, he showed spectacularly poor judgement, so no, I would not be proud of him.

They probably should stop repeating the same thing to him though. He knows what they think.

But why would the kid want to be in touch with some bloke just because he fucked his married mother? He's not his dad so that's that.