To think dh did the right thing in a very difficult situation?

[FeelSoSorry]

At the start of the year we were totally blindsided by an ex of dh from a long long time ago getting in touch to say that dh was the father of her 19 year old.
She had cheated on her husband who had then demanded paternity testing for the children and (she has 3) he was not the father of 2. She has then alleged that dh was actually her ds1 father and got in touch via family.

It caused us a lot of stress and heartbreak. Dh had to choose whether to meet with him and then get tested or have a test and if he was his son to then build a relationship. He said that he didn’t remember ever having unprotected sex with her and yet he couldn’t rule out that he was his dad and if he had missed 19 years of a relationship he didn’t want to miss a day more so they met.

The test showed that dh was not the father. To be honest this wasn’t the result we expected as even I thought looking at them that they looked similar.

Ever since dh family have been criticising his ‘hasty actions’ in meeting first rather than waiting for the test results. I feel it’s really unfair as he was trying to do his best? It was a shitty situation to find ourselves in and he tried really hard to quickly do the right thing.

MIL made a comment yet again today about it (she is friends with a relative of the woman concerned) about her still not being able to identify the father and saying how dh was trigger happy to take on someone else’s child and lucky that he bothered to get the test done ?!

AIBU to think they should all be proud of him as I am for trying to step up ?

They're right tbh, he should have waited for the test result. It was just messing the poor kid around even more doing it the way he has.

They shouldn't be bringing it up anymore though, your DH had good intentions and its done with now. He can't change it.

What is done is done. Your husband tried to handle a very difficult situation, the best he could.

However, his family are correct, in that your husband should have never agreed to meet this young man, before the results of the paternity test were known. The poor lad, has had the rug pulled out from under him, twice in very quick succession. He must be absolutely devastated. The young man at 19, could have refused to see your husband, until the results were known but I expect he was desperate to have answers.

Your husband's family are wrong to keep bringing the subject up though. They've said their piece, it's time to stop. I'm not sure why your husband's family keep harping on, it won't change the facts, which were your husband chose to handle the situation differently!

The blame for the entire situation is firmly at the door of your husband's ex. She cheated on her husband, which has resulted in two of her children, not being his. Who knows if both of these children have the same Dad or they're different. She clearly has no real idea who the Dad is.

I think DH was too hasty. He was thinking about himself, not the child. Now that child has met your DH, thinking it was his dad and now it turns out he’s not. Your DH should have waited.

Jeez even if you thought meeting first was a mistake, it’s hardly something that someone needs continuous criticism over! It’s done, they need to let it go.

But it’s done. If OP’s DH was your son, would you continue to make this point after the fact?

Fair enough to, if asked, express an opinion beforehand. But what are his daily achieving by going on about it.

YABU

He was incredibly irresponsible and put himself before the young man who must feel absolutely terrible.

DH was incredibly selfish and I’d struggle to not lose a bit of respect for him.

However what’s done is done and I don’t see the point in bringing it up again.

I had a friend in a similar situation, already had a relationship with the adult child as was in a (2nd) relationship with the mother. Mother had the child lie about their dob to make it seem my friend was the father... DNA test 99.9.% NOT the dad...
Desperate step to try to keep my friend trapped in the relationship 2nd time around...
Unfair on everyone - ex knew damn well friend couldn't be the dad

He did his best, i guess he thought he wanted to get to know the exDS. He is not the cause of the issues that tje child is going to have to deal with i would be proud he stepped up and didnt walk away x

Tough situation, his family are right and he shouldn’t have jumped into meeting the kid before the results. Ultimately doesn’t matter now though, what’s done is done so pointless for them to still be bitching at him about it.

I also think he should not have met the young man before the test results came out. However I also don’t understand the point of dwelling on it at this stage. What’s done is done and you should be able to move on with your life and stop discussing it.

This is bonkers. Why would he keep in touch with a totally unrelated child? This isn't like a situation where he's helped to raise this boy and doesn't want to disappear out of his life - he only met him because he trusted the word of his ex (to some degree).

As the lad is 19, presumably it makes sense for the DH to communicate with him directly rather then via the ex (awkward) it's not as if any of the test results should go to her and I imagine the relationship, both between mother and son as well as between DH and his ex could be....less then ideal so I'm not sure if there was much choice tbh. Could they have done it over the phone? Maybe? But a doing it face to face makes more sense to me. How terrible for both of them.

Mil needs to stfu, what good is it to constantly be moaning about it.

Why are his family even involved, before it was resolved. Tell them to back right off and mind their own business.

FWIW I think your DH did the decent thing. There is a confused 19 yo at the heart of this and it would be very lairy / mealy mouthed to say to him 'not coming near you mate , unless the DNA adds up'

The 19 yo now knows that one person who was involved with his Mum was prepared to say 'fair play, lets check it out and if I am your dad I am here'

He's still searching but your DH dealt with it decently.

Well hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it? If he’d waited on the test he’d have saved some heartache for him and the kid, and he hadn’t shared with his family prematurely then he wouldn’t still be getting earache.

We all make mistakes and he had good intentions, he needs to tell them to STFU.

As has been said he was in an impossible situation, had he waited I can guarantee that the same people would have said he was wrong. The 'most wrong' person who is responsible for the adult 'child', 19 years old, being so unhappy is the ex who slept around years ago when she was married to some other poor soul.

The mother was incredibly irresponsible many years ago and quite often by the sound of it. Interesting that in the vast majority of instances MN always holds the man responsible instead of fixing on the real villain, in this case, the woman.

They need to shut up. It is irrelevant now what do they expect him to do build a time machine and change the decision he made. it's hard all round apart from for the cheater .I think your husband had the best of intentions and at least he was willing to meet the boy and take on his responsibilities had he been his rather than just try and deny it. I would rather be with a with a man who when given this news didn't try and deny it and sweep it under the carpet.

MIL needs to zip it
DH is an honest man with courage

What matters now, and is the actual point of the bloody thread, is that MIL and his family have already expressed to him that he was in the wrong, and are now doing so repeatedly to him with the full knowledge he has no power to change it.
What exactly does that achieve? The fact they keep banging on on about it is the problem, its rude and serves no purpose other than to shame their own family member for a choice they made in difficult circumstances that they cant change.
Have no idea why people are coming in here going 'well she's right though' as if being right about something then gives someone the the right to keep bringing it up repeatedly despite the fact it was never their decision to make and cant be changed!

I think your DH is obviously an honourable man who was trying to do what he thought was right.

Of course, with hindsight (which is a wonderful thing, is it not?) it would have been better to do the test and await the results, but I still admire him for not shying away.

His family sound bitchy, and his mother is enjoying some shit stirring. They should wind their necks in.

I have a lot of sympathy for the poor young man. He has found out twice in quick succession that the person he thought might be his biological father wasn't. That could be crushing.

I think someone needs to have a conversation with MIL that it was a stressful time for DH, he did what was best for him and as he is not the father, neither of you need any updates on the situation because it doesn’t concern you, it’s upsetting and you don’t need it dragged up. She clearly doesn’t have a clue what she’s talking about since he was always planning to get the test done

What?

Keep in touch why?

Completely agree with this.

Somewhere, he must have known there was a chance he wasn't the boy's father, but he didn't hold off till the test was back.

This has added a massive and unnecessary layer of trauma for the boy, who must already have been struggling with the news that he was not his 'father's' son.

Not for the ridiculous MIL reasons, but because it was driven by his own ego - even though he may experience that as 'a desire to do the right thing', it was really for himself. He put his own need to have a relationship with a fantasy unknown child - and especially to be seen by himself and others as a 'good man' - before the actual needs of the real life human child.

From your DH's POV: almost always the best thing for our psychological health is to look our mistakes - and crucially, their impacts on others - full in the eye.

Acknowledge them, face them and then live with the shame of them without making any excuses, even when there are mitigating circumstances. By 'shame', I mean the blow to our ego. Our sense of ourselves as 'good' which makes us feel good.

It's very hard, but it's absolutely the best way to be a human in the world. Doing it makes us stronger, calmer, happier, and better able to face all the other difficulties that will come our way.

If you don't do that, you always, somewhere, know you didn't do it - and that makes us less able to face those future difficulties.

Not your husband's fault. They are criticising him as though he was offering a permanent parental relationship and took it switfly away - which I doubt was his intention. If the gossips knew the identity of the biological father they would move their criticism to this man instead. Some people just love to be negative.

That's a top bloke there. I'd smile smugly at anyone who criticises, knowing what a great partner you have, but yes: he should have waited. More just to not confuse the poor lad who might now be gutted if his actual bio-dad isn't as nice(!)