To think dh did the right thing in a very difficult situation?

[FeelSoSorry]

At the start of the year we were totally blindsided by an ex of dh from a long long time ago getting in touch to say that dh was the father of her 19 year old.
She had cheated on her husband who had then demanded paternity testing for the children and (she has 3) he was not the father of 2. She has then alleged that dh was actually her ds1 father and got in touch via family.

It caused us a lot of stress and heartbreak. Dh had to choose whether to meet with him and then get tested or have a test and if he was his son to then build a relationship. He said that he didn’t remember ever having unprotected sex with her and yet he couldn’t rule out that he was his dad and if he had missed 19 years of a relationship he didn’t want to miss a day more so they met.

The test showed that dh was not the father. To be honest this wasn’t the result we expected as even I thought looking at them that they looked similar.

Ever since dh family have been criticising his ‘hasty actions’ in meeting first rather than waiting for the test results. I feel it’s really unfair as he was trying to do his best? It was a shitty situation to find ourselves in and he tried really hard to quickly do the right thing.

MIL made a comment yet again today about it (she is friends with a relative of the woman concerned) about her still not being able to identify the father and saying how dh was trigger happy to take on someone else’s child and lucky that he bothered to get the test done ?!

AIBU to think they should all be proud of him as I am for trying to step up ?

Totally agree

I think they're right tbh, what a mess everyone has made for that poor young man. Building a relationship with two non-Dads. But banging on about it isnt helping anyone.

He made a mistake with the intention of doing the right thing. His family need to leave it alone now and let him process what happened without dragging it up and placing blame where there doesn't need to be any.

I think you are unreasonable to expect people to be 'proud' of your husband. He couldn't remember ever having unprotected sex, so should absolutely have had the test before putting this poor lad through all the heartache.

While I don't think in laws should be critical, I also don't think this should ever have been a public discussion. The time to tell everyone would be if there was a positive test.

I agree with those who think it is strange for him to have met the young man before knowing he was the father. I'm not sure that would have been what was best for the young man either. Paternity tests don't take that long to turn around.

If my son came to me for advice in this kind of situation my suggestion would be to do the test, then take it from there.

It's good he was willing to step up if he had been the father. I hope this young man is able to identify his biological father, though his daddy is the man who loved and raised him.

Well, we don't know the mom's circumstances at the time, do we?

I don't believe having consensual sex with any amount of people makes someone a "slag" - I don't believe in the concept.

On the face of it it doesn't sound good that she was sleeping with at least two different men WHILE MARRIED. But I guess we don't know the circumstances of her marriage, how her husband was behaving, what agreement they had, etc etc......

I don't think there is necessarily a requirement to judge anybody, in a situation about which we have extremely limited information......

The OP isn't asking who is in the wrong. She is just asking if her husband behaved decently. Which he did.

I guess he assumed there were not multiple men who could have been the father if they were having sex at the time, obviously the mother was more promiscuous than he realised. Sorry for the child but he stood up as he should.

It's very easy for everyone to be an expert after the fact.

If he had refused to met a child that was his without DNA confirmation, he would have told he was cold, unfeeling & not putting the child first and that he must have known that he was the father.

I agree he did what he thought was?best given the information he had at the time.

She got in touch via other family members so they all found out at a similar time.

He won’t be seeing his exs son again but they got on really well and he seems to be a well adjusted and lovely young man who just seemed grateful there was some effort made. I think what really threw us off was the resemblance I honestly though the results would show dh was his father as they were so similar, now I just assume that his ex has a type she goes for and that’s why there was a look that made us think it could be true.

I think even dh feels that he acted on impulse but he said he still feels it would have been worse to wait then have missed out on time if he had turned out to be his father as he didn’t want to let him down by being absent for any longer than necessary.

Your DH messed up but his family mentioning it all the time is not going to change things.

That poor young man.

He didnt do anything wrong, he doesnt need to put any more thought into this.

He may well be a poor young man, but the fact that a very nice man was more than willing to meet him and offer him a relationship is not the reason.

It was pretty silly of DH but no idea what his family have to gain by bringing it up once, nevermind repeatedly - they sound like wankers.

I’m so sorry your mum was a slag.

I think he jumped in too soon and should have held back for the sake of the nineteen year old.

No, you are not being unreasonable. It doesn't appear that your husband, yourself or the young man in question had a problem with DH and the young man meeting. Therefore, it was not a problem. And even if any who were actually involved did have a problem with it, it would have been a minor one and fair enough anyway, since all involved knew at the time that the DNA results were not in yet.

So, what I'm getting out of this is that MIL likes to stir up trouble and is not to be be trusted with personal information, whenever the two of you can avoid it.

I agree. The 19 year old is now having to deal with the disappointment of this nice man he made an early connection to not being his father. I think it would have been easier to handle the knowledge that there was a man who would love to meet him, but let's make sure first. He loses less that way.

Is there something missing in your op, did he go and meet the boy as his father ?

My preferred crisps flavour is usually ready salted (I know, I know) but Coop S&V are tip top, so I could be convinced to try this, thank you OP, I have enjoyed this thread a lot.

However, chocolate should at the very least be fridge-cold, if not frozen. The only possible exceptions are Crunchies and Minstrels. Room-temperature chocolates are for savages and that’s that.

Well, he acted a bit daft but who knows how they would react in a similar situation.
Do you have kids @FeelSoSorry ? If so, I hope they didn't know about all this. I can't imagine it will have done their self esteem any good to see him so eager to play Dad to a stranger.
His family need to stop going on about it now, no point bringing it up.

Agree completely, and can see the MIL's point, but there is no point in her going on about it now. That won't help the poor kid.

"But there again, wouldn’t most decent men start by not disbelieving a woman he’s had sex with when she tells him he is the father of her child?"

When that woman has spent 19 years telling another man he's the father of her child, then no. I think all men with an ounce of common sense, decent or otherwise, would at least entertain the idea that she's either mistaken or lying.

He sounds like a good guy. Well done to him. His family sound like ass hats.

He did his best. MIL is being a dick to keep criticising him for trying to do what he thought was right. I'd probably have waited for the test first.

As PP have said, hindsight is 20:20 and it's not like there's an instruction manual for this type of situation. He had the best intentions and acted on the information he had at the time so I think the criticism is unfounded. Seeing that he's not the father, it would have been better if they hadn't met but it's not like you can time travel and change that.

I mean I personally would have chosen to do the test first but your DH sounds like a lovely man just trying his best in a very difficult situation, so sod what the rest of the family think.